AIBU to choose to be a single mother, and can I afford it?

[Shipofthedessert]

I’m approaching 40. I haven’t met the elusive Mr Right but I desperately want a child.

My main worry is money. Mortgage is £700 a month. Combined with childcare fees of around £1000, this leaves me with around £500 for everything else: car insurance, phone and internet, petrol, food, clothes, toys. I know some of these can be obtained very cheaply but some obviously can’t.

I’m also worried about the child not knowing his or her father and if this would impact on them negatively.

AIBU?

If you really want it and think life will be unbearable without a child then I can completely understand your desire to go for it. Personally though I have to be honest and say I wouldn't consider this in a million years. Having/raising a child is hard enough but at 40, with money worries and zero support I'd really worry about your mental and physical health declining as a result.

@Shipofthedessert I say go for it! I know a lot of children to donor parents - brilliant kids, brilliant mums.

You may not have a support network now, but join every pregnancy exercise, single mums’ group, NCT group, mum-and-baby group going and you’ll soon make a lot of friends. My friendship circle now is almost entirely women I met through having children. We all support each other - babysit, pick each other’s kids up from school, and so on.

Your network will arrive! Just be really proactive at finding it.

Good luck!

(And perhaps, when it comes to childcare, a nanny-share rather than a nursery might be right for you? - as the nanny could give you the odd evening off etc etc. They cost about the same as private nurseries do around where I am. Otherwise look at nurseries attached to children’s centres - often cheaper.)

I would go down the co-parent route if I was in your position. I would find a gay couple who wanted children. No IVF required you just need an ovulation kit, a syringe and fresh sperm. ( the rates of pregnancy are almost as good). You get support, baby gets 2 dads to love them as well as potential extended family. I know 6 babies conceived this way. A soap actor documented his journey to parenthood in this way.

macpumpkin1 didn’t think of this but good idea. Someone I know locally (but not very well) did this. She is a lesbian, he’s a gay man, they’re both single, they co-parent.

OP please follow your heart. You will be fine and so will your child. Don't listen to some people on this thread. They have their opinions but are not living your life. My 7yo donor conceived child and I are very happy and I feel as though life is worth living and there is a future.

cant believe how many people are stressing about the finances!? I live off a QUARTER of what the OP takes home - i have a mortgage, bills, buy food.etc

oh...and a child!( also im single!)

Its very do-able OP, be stingy, accept bargains and help.

Have the baby.Life is too short not to!

Would it be fair to the child?

You have no support net work and no close friends. So it would be just you and your child. What male figure would feature in their life?

What if you become ill?
Who will then care for your child?

Apart from the fact that financially, things will be a struggle.
How will you be able to afford clubs/hobbies etc for your child?

Personally, I think, YABU to consider having a child.

I’m not sure if you mean IVF, but if you do, please be aware that the odds of it working at 40 are very poor, depending on your egg reserve probably each IVF cycle only has 5-20% chance of working, and a cycle costs around £6k depending where you go (the advertised figures online don’t include drugs, which are a rip off). Sorry to sound so negative just wanted you to be aware as the fertility clinics can lure people into spending a lot of money chasing bad odds.

Sorry you’re in this situation. Hugs. Might still be worth talking to adoption people. And to actually answer your question, you’re not being unreasonable. If you can do it, it’s both hideously hard and blissfully wonderful.

I am a very progressive person, however I do struggle with a deliberately create one parent family. I can see the huge benefits two parents bring to a child. And while I fully accept families come in all shapes and sizes, I think the life you are creating for the child - no father, no siblings (I assume given your age and financial concerns) and no extended family - could be quite lonely.

There are other ways to bring children into your life - do you volunteer, could you be a weekend fosterer?

I have a friend in a similar situation, she yearns for her own children, but doesn’t believe she is in the right situation to have a child solo. She leads a group and is looking into respite fostering.

A baby isn't a handbag .

Yabu

Personally I think you'll find a way. Our joint household income is only a tiny bit more than your single income and we have four kids between us, with another on the way. Currently we don't struggle but I can see it being a struggle when on maternity leave etc however it's temporary

No I don't think you should. Delibrately becoming a single parent is never a good idea. And no I don't think you can afford it. £500 after mortgage and childcare just about covers bills never mind the money required to bring up a child. What would you do if they had special needs too, that can be another added expense.

Delibrately becoming a single parent is never a good idea

Is it not? It’s never a good idea? I’d like to know why you think that?

Many single parent families work really well!
OP life is too short for you to deny yourself the opportunity.

A bit off topic, but £44k is circa £2800 per month take home, and £2600 if you have to include student loan repayments?

Your total expenditure on your OP is only £2200?

Whoops sorry I didn’t RTFT ignore my previous post.

Personally, I wouldn't want to go down the donor route myself. There are some studies showing negative outcomes and DH was adopted (which I know is not exactly the same, but has certain similarities) and he was in tears again earlier tonight saying how he wished he had a more "normal" family situation. He's 47. It affects him deeply and the tears are frequent.

I'd also be worried about both finances and lack of support. I've got a baby myself and whilst I knew it would be hard work I didn't really grasp how phenomenally hard it would be. It's easily the hardest thing I've ever done by a mile and I don't think you can really prepare for it. Me and DH are both constantly knackered and there are 2 of us (although our baby has a high needs temperament so some might be easier). You might end up with PND (I've had this and it makes taking care of the baby harder), emergency c-section (also had this and could barely do anything apart from caring for the baby for 6 weeks), twins (which I understand is more common than usual when receiving donor sperm than due to some of the fertility drugs often given), a disabled or ill child (higher risk of certain conditions eg Downs due to age) etc. I had a quite common complication from the epidural and had a terrible migraine when I sat upright or stood for nearly 2 weeks after the birth. Even though DH was a bit of a dick after the birth and not as emotionally supportive as I needed him to be, he did still bring me food and I don't know how I would have coped completely alone.

I actually think the co-parenting with a gay couple idea that a pp mentioned is a good shout though. Complicated - yes, but the potential for the child to know all its parents and more resources/support etc. You wouldn't have to be finding all the money for nursery fees on your own.

I don't see any reason why you can't, so go for it !
If you don't try, you will look back with regret when you are older

It seems like you are doubting your decision

The ideal family doesn't exist

Just create your own little family

Suggest read about single parents in Denmark etc

Look at tax free childcare, it would mean that for every £10 of childcare costs, you only pay £8 & the government pays the other £2. The maximum payable by the government a year is £2000 per child unless your child is disabled, then it is £4000. That's around £38 a week for a non disabled child, plus once your child is 3 you can claim 15 free hours a week & still claim your tax free childcare on the additional hours.

This topic always reveals interesting attitudes.

A surprising number of people seem to think kids would prefer never to have existed than to exist without a dad. Really?

Someone else described time spent pursuing a career, travel etc as ‘meaning nothing’. It’s hard to imagine having such narrow, sad ideas about what constitutes a full life.

As for the poster who simply can’t fathom why anyone would work full time with a child.....they must be in a permanent state of confusion whenever they contemplate just about every father they know (possibly including their own partner).

I adopted two children as a single parent in my 30"s and then did a family adoption in my 50's. I did it on a teacher's pay, which I suspect is as low in the UK as it is in the USA. When my children were young they did ask about a dad, but I explained that all families were different and our family had a mother and two girls. They grew up and accepted that was our normal.
Yes, it is expensive. They shared a bedroom, shared toys, and handed down some clothes. I saved to take them on vacations (holidays). We had some health issues but I had good insurance (not a problem for UK with NHS I think?). I spent my retirement nest egg getting them through college and started on careers, but it was worth every cent. I would do it again if I could.

Honestly? Before I had DC I'd have said yeah go for it, but knowing what I know now about what it's like being a mother I would not actively choose single motherhood, especially if I didn't earn much.

OP have a read of this blog by a single mum who used a sperm donee. here

In your position I’d go for it. I really would. I knew I needed to be a mum and if I had not met DH I would have felt compelled to find another way.

Also consider an au pair for childcare. We have had au pairs since are kids were tiny despite people saying you should wait until they are three. We have had qualified teachers and psychologists, they aren’t all on a gap year, some are amazingly experienced and mature. It’s much more cost effective and gives you back up in the home.

£44k is more than a lot of people's joint income, and for the first year you won't need to be paying the £1000 (assuming you take a year off), so if you could save a large chunk of that to support you through the lower paid bits of maternity or for childcare youd probably be okay. It would be really hard without much support to be honest, but without sounding cheesy you only have one life, if you will regret not and are aware what it entails then go for it.

OP, I really think it's a bad idea. Following the birth of my DD, I became chronically disabled and had to leave my career. I am frequently unable to move from my bed. Luckily, I have my mum round the corner, and DD's dad has her at weekends/helps out in the week as needed. My DP is also excellent at helping both DD and I. Even then, it is still a struggle.

I know for sure that if I had had DD alone, with no partner and no family support ot friends, I would have had to give DD up for adoption. Please don't put a child in that position.

Everyone thinks it won't happen to them.

PS You may well regret not having a child. And that would be a hard cross to bear. Think about the cross the child would bear if they lost the ONLY person in their life.

Love for a child is about doing all you can to meet their best interests, not your own.