AIBU to choose to be a single mother, and can I afford it?

[Shipofthedessert]

I’m approaching 40. I haven’t met the elusive Mr Right but I desperately want a child.

My main worry is money. Mortgage is £700 a month. Combined with childcare fees of around £1000, this leaves me with around £500 for everything else: car insurance, phone and internet, petrol, food, clothes, toys. I know some of these can be obtained very cheaply but some obviously can’t.

I’m also worried about the child not knowing his or her father and if this would impact on them negatively.

AIBU?

Not really knob ... not close enough (geographically) to help, and have grown apart from a lot.

I would worry about the emotional needs of the child more than money to be honest.

I know a boy who was a donor baby and he is massively, massively struggling with his mums choice to have him.

I do worry about that.

I’m not sure how people figure childcare will end when your child is at school. Unless they have wraparound services and what about all the long holidays? Plus when they are sick and can’t go to school etc.
It is tough. I was widowed when mine were very small but I didn’t have the financial pressure. I had to sell our house immediately and downsize, then I moved to a much cheaper area, but I was not ever worried I couldn’t pay my bills.
I think you can’t underestimate how your whole life will change. For just about everyone other than work (and existing friends, but even them too) you will only be defined as X’s mum. And the emotional work that goes into raising a child , which increases dramatically once they hit their pre teens.
As for no father figure, I think a lack of one is more difficult for boys. If you have a male friend, or your own father etc that could be an important role model should you have a son. I have certainly watched more football matches than I ever though possible! And it’s me that goes to every rugby match etc, volunteering at the club etc when most (though not all) boys have their dads taking them.
It’s doable, it’s a wonderful thing, but at times you will just sit down and cry (mind you I think every parent does that, single, coupled whatever)! It really is one of the hardest but best things you will ever do.

Statistically speaking, you are quite likely to end up a “single” mother (at least part of your life) even if you don’t start out as one.

I frequently sit down and cry now, Pip. There just aren’t easy answers, life isn’t easy. I’m sorry you lost your husband

I don’t think it makes any material difference how many parents there are so long as the child is loved and provided for financially without burdening the state. Obviously you are intending to take advantage of state education but I wouldn’t judge you for making that decision given that most parents do and the risk that you won’t be able to have children if you wait for your financial situation to improve.

£44k a year is £2788 after tax. Is your maths a bit off OP? As you'd have £1088pm left after mortgage and £1000 nursery fees.

I know a boy who was a donor baby and he is massively, massively struggling with his mums choice to have him.

This would be my concern, too. The evidence suggests sperm donation isn't good news for the resulting children.

I don’t think anyone has said childcare will end, but it won’t be the full amount for more than about four years.

My maths isn’t off, I take home £2200. I do pay into a pension which is probably why it’s less. I wish I took home £2788

Financially I think you’ll manage especially if you start saving now, that should give you at least 12k in the bank. You will only need full child care for two years so will already have half of that saved so will bring it down to £500 per month, obviously it depends on your works maternity package too whether you’ll need some of the 12k for that.

Money isn’t the hardest part of being a working single parent for me. It’s the crazy number of sickness time, the missed sports daysand assemblies, when i’m poorly and have no one to help etc but would I go back and not have them? Absolutely not, best decision I ever made. DD is 10, will she one day ask about a father? Maybe but she will know she’s loved and very much wanted.

I have £800 pound a month left after my Bill's. Apart from gas, electric and water (I choose to do pay as you go not monthly billing so come out of my weekly money) and my petrol. My petrol is about £40 per week. My utilities are about 20 pounds a week. Honestly, it's a struggle. And I know I have more than a lot of single parents.

Add in school trips, birthday partys, clothing and shoes etc. It really tots up.

My ds is 8, so i would disagree you only need to tightened your belt short term.

Oh and then what happens when you have to take unpaid time off because the child is poorly and no one can have him?

@Shipofthedessert

I guess an obvious and common one would be if you were ill? Like I say, I had norovirus when DS was tiny. It's no exaggeration to say I couldn't look after him - I was so weak I fainted trying to make it to the bathroom. My DP and the GPs did 100% of the childcare for a good 48 hours and it was about a week before I felt able to care for him again by myself for a day. What if you're ill, what if you need an operation, what if you have PND or other post partum issues? Or what if the child does - can you afford to take days/weeks or longer off work if something really awful happens if money will already be so tight?

I'm always a 'worst case scenario' planner. I'm honestly not trying to burst your bubble, but I was unprepared for how tough it can be at times and like I say, that's with a partner and lots of family. I hope things work out well for you whatever you decide

No, I understand that, Holly, but by the same token I can’t plan for every possibility of what might happen in the next decade and a half and nor can anybody. All I can do is concede that I haven’t suffered any serious illnesses or needed any operations: if I did, I’d have to come up with something, but I don’t want to be 65 and think the reason I didn’t have a child is because I might have been ill once - if you follow me

I also came on to say that your take home is exceptionally low for a 44k salary. You can't surely be paying £500 a month in to a pension? Where is the rest of the deduction going to?

Anyway, on a take home of £2200 with childcare costs (£644 a month is the maximum element under UC for one child) you would get £112 a month from universal credit. You would also get £20 a week child benefit. So approx an extra £200 a month. You would probably benefit more from tax free childcare, but only slighly as the maximum you can get towards costs is £500 every 3 months. So £166 a month plus child benefit.
How sure are you of childcare costs? You may find looking at part time hours more financially beneficial (regardless of anyone elses opinion on that one).

Maybe think about lowering your pension payments for a few years?

Plenty of mothers have raised children in much worse poverty than yours, OP. £44K probably looks like untold wealth to a mum on minimum wage!
I was widowed with two babies, both still in nappies. I just had to budget, and buy their clothes and toys second hand to start with. Once I was back on a full time salary, things got easier, and I could then afford to buy new things and give them a holiday abroad every year. Once they were about 8 or 9, I no longer needed daily childcare - they were sensible enough to have a key and let themselves in after school. I just paid for an out of school holiday club for any part of the school holidays where I wasn’t also on annual leave.
If you desperately want a child, your salary isn’t a deal breaker. But your fertility may not be great, and you also need contingency plans for if your child turns out to have special needs or disabilities. Some genetic disorders are more common when the mum is over 40 - eg Down’s syndrome.
There’s a lot to consider, but it’s certainly not impossible. It just needs very thorough planning.

I think with anything in life,there are plusses and minuses ,If you sit down and ponder you will never do anything!.Can you save up some money for a while now?.Also get a cheaper deal on your M/G /Gas/Elec etc?.Where do you shop ,can you get bills down by going to a cheaper supermarket? .Many families manage on a fair bit less TBH. With regard to support ,do you have friends /family close by?.Can you join groups for single parents ?.Good luck with your choices and I hope it all goes well for you

I think regardless of any of this you need a support network, whether you adopt, have a birth child, or remain child free.

Everyone in life needs a few people they can rely on when the chips are down, it isn't really feasible to go through life as an island.

I silently despair on MN sometimes when there is a parent who won't mix & won't ask for help but is happy to fail their child. (For example not getting them to school when parent or sibling is ill). It's not healthy for a child for their parent to be completely socially isolated.

Why not spend a year trying new hobbies, joining clubs, whatever. Meeting people. Then revisit the whole child thing.

Also I agree with pp, you would be a geriatric mother with a much, much higher risk of having a child with additional needs. How would you manage those? How would you cope if you had to give up work to be a full time carer etc too? When did you last have your health MOT done by the gp? Is your own health actually good? Have you even had your AMH levels checked? These are all things to think about.

It’s not as simple as that, Teen. I’m a friendly person, but life moves on and maybe I’ll make friends if I have a child: I hope so.

Excuse me tall can you modify your language a bit?

44k salary means 2700 take home pay. So after mortgage and childcare you are left with 1000 disposable income. Also add on top some benefits which you will get and really you are more than comfortable financially to have a baby. I would go for it.