AIBU to choose to be a single mother, and can I afford it?

[Shipofthedessert]

I’m approaching 40. I haven’t met the elusive Mr Right but I desperately want a child.

My main worry is money. Mortgage is £700 a month. Combined with childcare fees of around £1000, this leaves me with around £500 for everything else: car insurance, phone and internet, petrol, food, clothes, toys. I know some of these can be obtained very cheaply but some obviously can’t.

I’m also worried about the child not knowing his or her father and if this would impact on them negatively.

AIBU?

Please don't do it. It's not fair on the child. I'm a single mum and my poor daughter's heart breaks over not having a daddy when all the other kids do :(

I think Fostering would be a better idea for you

AnAC12UCOinanOCG
All I'm hearing in your posts, and in most of the replies, is what YOU want and how YOU could manage. Where is the concern for this potential child and what is best for him or her?

Totally agree.

Lone_parent does your DD have any close grandads or uncles to step in? It's so sad I understand the longing for a child but it is pretty selfish deliberately depriving a child of a father, which is different to the father turning out to be a complete waste of space that couldn't be seen or predicted beforehand.

I’ve been a midwife for 11 years and did three years training before that. I have never seen the term geriatric mother written anywhere, and have only heard of it as an apocryphal tale of how women were referred to in the old days. I’d be interested if there are any midwives or obstetricians who have actually seen this written on notes.

Same TheLime. 12 years quaified. Not once has the term geriatric mother been used.
Over 35 at booking is the term used. Older primip at a push. 🤷

Please do not suggest fostering. It is possible to be a lone parent who fosters but not if they work ft and have no local support. It's also a very different calling to wanting to be a birth parent and is vety challenging.

My dh is a social worker for foster parents. I have several childless friends in their forties and would never suggest fostering.

I'm divorced and have a similar amount left over each month just for food, pets, petrol, luxuries/extras, going out etc. My daughter is a teenager and tbh it's tight. Summer holidays, Christmas, birthdays, one or other needing a job lot of new clothes, an unexpected vets bill or car issue and there's a proper spanner in the works.

That said, if you can make it work financially, I would definitely go for it on every other level. My colleague had her first baby via donor at a similar age last year and she is so happy with her lovely little boy, it really is a joy to see.

Having raised a child both married and on my own, I would say doing it solo is only marginally harder than doing it with someone.

TheLime definitely called that is this area. For mothers 34 plus. I had it on my notes and the MW explained the phrase an apologised for its use and told me she hoped I wasnt offended

Ship, sorry this thread has upset you. In case you did come back to it, I understand the feeling well and think if you can get your finances in a position you feel confident with then why not go for it? Of course it’s possible that any child would be affected by not having a dad in their life but equally even if you were in a relationship there are so many things that could happen to cause similar upset (which you have no control over eg death of partner, partner leaves etc). I’m not single but we have zero family support (1 parent still alive and family all live in other countries.). Yes it is hard - harder than if you have family help at hand there’s no denying that, but it’s doable and if you went ahead and made a huge effort to create a good network when pregnant/on mat leave this will go a long way - my NCT local friends are my absolute saviours and rallied around when my partner had a serious accident last year.

Below are the questions I would be asking myself:

• what mat leave package does your work offer?
• what’s the cost of donor sperm and the necessary procedures, how long would it take you to save for this?
• look at your current working hours, commute time and the opening hours of nurseries/childminders near you. Would it be feasible to stay in your current job full-time using locally available childcare?
• check your salary as pps have said as your take home sounds very low for your gross. Consider reducing your pension payments in the short term.
• do a money MOT on everything to get your base running costs down and save anything left over, really drill down on your budget and see where the cash disappears and where you can make savings - this will give you the confidence financially to go for it.
• consider if your house/flat is suitable for a baby? If you’d need to move probably best to consider beforehand.
• is where you live a place you could likely build up a good network of parent -friends? Plenty other families etc?

I could go on! Apart from the donation aspect I wish I’d done all of the above before getting pregnant! I had to find a new job post mat leave and now earn half what I used to. I thought it wasn’t possible but somehow I manage. Other than childcare babies can be cheap and it’s amazing what’s available second hand/free.

All I'm hearing in your posts, and in most of the replies, is what YOU want and how YOU could manage. Where is the concern for this potential child and what is best for him or her?

This is something that only ever gets questioned when someone is considering solo parenthood. The thing is, listen to anyone in a couple reasoning why they want to have a child - it's because they want to. The desire for a child is no different whether you are single or in a couple, yet the single person (who in many cases may actually be able to provide more, both financially and emotionally, for the child) is always raked over the coals and called selfish.

OP, don't let people put you off. It sounds doable financially. You can build a local support network once you are pregnant/have the baby.

Ps, an overseas friend of mine had a baby via donor sperm last year and she and her baby are so happy

overseas friend of mine had a baby via donor sperm last year and she and her baby are so happy

Your friends baby is a year old - she might be happy now but when she gets older and has no father and no extended family on her fathers side She May not feel the same about the choices her mother made for her

ItWas, you are absolutely right, and a baby born to a mother who used donor sperm may grow to think all sorts of things. Remember that donor sperm isn’t just used by women who are single, it’s also used by women in same sex relationships and by women in relationships with men who for whatever reason can’t have him father a child (infertility or genetic diseases.)

I think that as with most things, it’s how you handle it. It does worry me - it’s my major hesitation actually so for all the people lip curling at my selfishness - I haven’t done it and if I do I will work very hard to negate any negative feelings the child may have as a result of my choice.

Thank you.

Re my salary - I’ve been through some payslips and I don’t think I have made any grave errors. My pension isn’t one you can skip in and out of so it does seem more sensible to stay in it at least for the time being.

Itwasalovelydream, that’s true of course, but there are many many other factors in life whereby any child can end up not happy with choices their parents made for them despite being conceived and born in a 2 parent partnership (speaking from personal circs here having lost a parent to suicide as a child). I don’t think life is ever that black and white and of course, it would remain a what if until you have the child

OP - there is a donor conception topic on here which maybe helpful. There is also an organisation called the Donor Conception Network which may be worth contacting

I’ve read all the posts, including the rather unpleasant ones, and I still think it would be fine.

Financially it’s doable.

Friends can be made at antenatal classes and baby groups during maternity leave, and there are also local forums on Facebook. A support network is vital - and achievable!

This is something that only ever gets questioned when someone is considering solo parenthood.

What nonsense. Look at ANY thread on here from someone wondering whether to try for a baby - most of whom are in relationships - and you will see this questioned. I really don't know why it isn't being questioned more in this thread.

There are no guarantees in life. All the best laid plans can go to pot in a moment. And let's be honest, plenty of kids who come from dual parent families are angry at their parents for all sorts of reasons (including why did you choose to have me).

I think it's great that you're child will be a wanted and planned for. That's more than a lot of people can say.

Posters have pointed out all the things that could be difficult or go wrong, just as they could for any mother who starts a pregnancy in any relationship.

But what about what could go wrong if you don't try for a baby? You could end up regretting for ever that you never experienced motherhood. You could end up missing out on what could be the most wonderful experience of your life. You could end up missing out on a big new network of friends that you would meet through parenting. You could find that a baby on your salary is perfectly do-able and that you can make ends meet for the expensive years.

Having children through choice is always selfish. We don't have them to make the world a better place or to save the environment. We have them because we want them.

Be a little selfish, OP

I agree with the posters up thread who have flagged up the lack of support more than the lack of money.

I am a single parent since day 1. I am on around £46,000 but with a mortgage around £500 and I only pay for 2 days of childcare amounting to £450 a month with tax free childcare, however I do also pay travel costs about £300-400 to commute into London every month. It's not dissimilar to your budget which is why I mention it. I think you will probably be ok but it might be tight, you will have to be careful. I bought a lot second hand on Facebook marketplace etc (clothes, pram etc), and books and toys often at charity shops. It's a bit of a myth that you need to spend a lot of money with a child although I did find it hard to budget during maternity leave due to boredom, too many cups of coffee and cake!

I would say the red flag for me is your lack of support. I was always the most fiercely independent person before my son was born; I was mostly single for 12 years and loved being on my own. But it changes when you have a child as you do need more support. I had an emergency section and was completely floored, couldn't do anything for 6 weeks and had to have my mum come to live with me to help me whilst I looked after my son who was also quite poorly. That was all unanticipated as I was in great health. Similarly I had a bout of tonsillitis when he was 5 months old, and we both had norovirus at one point, it is really nightmarish managing with a baby when you are poorly and totally on your own. Please try to get your support network in place before TTC. Good luck.

This is what my notes said.

Go for it OP. I'm a single mum and only have one parent left who visits once a month. I'm lucky to have that compared to some but it does make you see how hard it can be with someone else around; one of the best parts of being a single mum is having control over what the kid hears/sees/does to a large extent. I didn't have to worry about her picking up swear words (not that that's a huge thing but you get what I mean) or argue over which clubs to send them to/sexism stuff that generally seems to happen (he's a boy he has to do footy etc).

Contrary to what a pp said the 'evidence' doesn't show single parent through choice children are worse off in any way; in fact they thrive because they are much loved, were planned and as another poster said, haven't had to go though a divorce. Plus although female health is important to any conception it is now thought that the male sperms are also time sensitive when it comes to raised risks of 'additional needs' (although I read slightly lower IQ levels and risk of dyslexia in one study) as someone said up-thread. So pick a donor younger and i'm sure you'll be fine .

Re the money you are on more than double what I am on, but I don't have a mortgage. I do think the summer holidays will through you as you will want to be with them and childcare is very expensive over that time with loads of clubs running to take over from the school after school/breakfast clubs. Personally I'd try to work from home at least one day a week now and make it something that is in place for when you are back from leave - my friends who do this find it much calmer.

There are a few books about being a Single Mum Through Choice that o through many concerns - for example donor kids who aren't told they are donor kids and can't find their dad's do tend to have more hangups. There's a reason adopted kids can now discover who their parents are and it isn't anonymous any more; the emotional welfare of those kids comes first. The books will talk you through ways to talk to your kid about it all.

Good luck.

@Shipofthedessert, I am a single mother by choice and it was the best thing I have ever done.

My advice:-

• you manage on what you have, it will be tough but you'll do it. If you don't already make sure you track your spending so if you need to pull it back you know where you have spare capacity
• childcare when they start school is in some ways harder (my DS has just finished reception) holidays are long, hours are shorter but again, you'll cope - have a look and check you don't qualify for benefits and don't forget about child benefit
• I don't know what you do, but I was in the fortunate position of being able to progress my career, is there a possibility of your earnings increasing? For me work is really important for my sanity. I adore DS but I do need time away from him
• I do have family close by but am terrible at asking for help. Make sure you become a bit of a joiner if you're not already and ask for help, people will want to help and support you
• be realistic about maternity leave and what you can afford - it is hard with little to no income so if you already know that you'll need childcare do as pp have said and start putting that money aside
• insure, insure, insure. It is expensive but what happens if something happens to you and you can't work? My critical health cover costs something like £35 pm but it will provide me with an income in the event that I can't work in a role similar to the one I am doing when I become sick
• make sure you write a will particularly if you have no close family, who is looking after your child if heaven forbid anything happens to you (and again - insure, life insurance is reasonably cheap, whoever looks after your child will need money to support them)
• be honest with your child. There has never been a point when DS hasn't known he was donor conceived. I am also totally honest with people and tell anyone who stands still long enough so DS doesn't have to
• be kind to yourself. You're dealing with everything on your own and it is hard, there is no downtime and the relationship is v intense because there is only you.

There is not one moment when I regret my decision. Like you I simply didn't find a man I loved enough to want to have children with but it was inconceivable not to do so. My son is bright, happy, well adjusted, loving and loved, there isn't much more you can ask for is there?

Hey, single parent to2 here.
I’m on roughly your salary and I get very generous maintenance and I still find it tight.

I am a spender though and in sure someone else would manage money much better than me!