AIBU to choose to be a single mother, and can I afford it?

[Shipofthedessert]

I’m approaching 40. I haven’t met the elusive Mr Right but I desperately want a child.

My main worry is money. Mortgage is £700 a month. Combined with childcare fees of around £1000, this leaves me with around £500 for everything else: car insurance, phone and internet, petrol, food, clothes, toys. I know some of these can be obtained very cheaply but some obviously can’t.

I’m also worried about the child not knowing his or her father and if this would impact on them negatively.

AIBU?

44K! Christ together me and DP will have £15k to raise 3 children on!

Totally agree @trixiebelden77. I find it astonishing! I think if anyone met my DS they would be able to see that he is definitely not disadvantaged in any way. Am shocked! Surely better to go into parenthood expecting to be single and knowing the risks than in a terrible relationship likely to split apart fairly quickly.

And just to be clear for all of those who keep saying £44k is more than your joint incomes, it may be. But you will get two lots of tax free allowances so your income may still be higher.

I think you should go for it OP and wish you best of luck!

£2200 take home pay is something some people still dream of and it is a good amount. Not everyone can earn 44k on their own or as part of a joint income and they do fine. £500 will need budgeting but if you plan now and practice living on it now, you should be fine with the savings you'd make.

You still have time to make friends and save and get everything you need in order. Don't let previous posters get you down!

This thread makes me wonder how people cope with divorce and the men who stop paying maintenance, disappear with a new woman and don't see their kids! ALL of my close friends are single mums - 7 of them - and ALL of them have had this happen. 2 of them now have sporadic contact with the dad's. It is so common yet not spoken about; this thread makes you see how blinkered some people are to reality.

Your salary as a single parent is higher than many couples', especially if one parent is working part time. It's almost double my income and I'm a single parent (widow) of 2 DCs but my mortgage is negligible.

The huge childcare costs of early years don't go on forever but don't underestimate breakfast club, after school club and holiday care costs for a school age child.

I think the money side is manageable but the support is the difficulty- there's a good reason why adoption authorities say it's necessary.
You can build your own support network: find people who you can help in some way , who can help you in return. Set money aside for emergency childcare eg if you are ill.
If you're child is ill, it's difficult. You can't send a contagious child to childcare. A poorly child often wants to be with their parent not a babysitter they don't really know. How is your employer about things like this? Talk to your colleagues with children- though most often there are 2 parents to share the emergencies.

Are you good at big decisions generally? If you are a single parent, there is no one else in the world who truly has you child's best interests at heart in the way their parent does. You have to make all the big decisions on your own and have sole responsibility. It's a big deal.

A lot of people on mumsnet think you can’t have children if you live more than three houses away from your mum and less than twenty friends within walking distance.
My husband was military so we’ve had no family or friends nearby, but having children really helps you find friends. I have a large group of friends now that I can call on if I had any emergency or the children needed collecting from school and I couldn’t get there. All these friends have come from baby and toddler groups, and meeting through the kids friends at school. Please don’t be put off by not having many friends nearby at the moment.

As for childcare, the final year of nursery is great as they have the 30 hours free. It’s actually more expensive for us now all children are in school, having to pay wraparound care. But it should be manageable for you having just one to pay for.

A good friend of mine has just had a baby via sperm donation.

It's the best thing she's ever done. And she gets a lot of help with her childcare fees, despite not receiving much universal credit so it's worth checking.

I did it - kids are 15/13 now hasn't effected them. The doner system in UK means they can get to know whom doner is when they're 18.
Cost wise save now you can use it to extend maternity leave / reduce costs.
Working part time can reduce your childcare costs and benefits will top up income. You also may get help towards childcare. Also a childminder may be cheaper. Try an online calculator like run 2us.

I'd go for it. Maybe try to have a mortgage break or reduce pension temporarily if you have to.
Somewhere along the line you'll have to find extra money until the childcare cost eases off. £500 including food isn't doable.

I’d be interested if there are any midwives or obstetricians who have actually seen this written on notes.
I had it in writing in my notes when giving birth at 33 a couple years ago (not the UK, but a private clinic in a reasonably developed country). To be more precise, it said something like "overage mother" in the native language, and was written by an obstetrician.

OP, I am a single mother to two and, from my experience, if you have zero support, the only way you can keep on working in any "career" job is to have a nanny. For the first year in the nursery your DC is likely to pick up every bug possible, and you will have to cover two days / 48 hours at home every time they have a loose bowel movement.
Also prepared to be judged, I never expected the UK to be like this. I am often asked whether my children have the same dad (by people who never saw them, as a part of socialising).

Just go on any of hundreds INCOME TAX CALCULATORS on google and put your 44k salary in - it will show you 2700 (in fact even slightly more) of take home pay. FFS my partner and I earn 43k combined and we take home 3000pounds every month lol No idea how you end up with 2200?? You surely not great with numbers I wonder now what do you to be on that kind of money
Your partner and you have two sets of personal untaxed allowance, the OP has one.

I wouldn't be so worried about being a single parent, but much more about having no other family and support. Your child would have no father, no grandparents, no uncles and aunties, no siblings, no cousins. What would happen to the child if you had an accident and died, or had cancer? He/she would be left absolutely alone in this world.

@Shipofthedessert can you imagine being fifty and not having a child? If that's painful then go for it and don't wait. You'll make it work financially, you'll find help. I am a solo parent by choice to two children. It's bloody hard but having them is the best thing I've ever done and I'm happier than I ever thought I deserved to be.

What a lot of nasty spiteful comments on this thread. It's one thing to point out potential issues and problems to the OP but some of the comments on this thread are obnoxious. I think some posters get a kick out of trying to upset OPs. It's pathetic.

OP, Even if you don't have any support now there is no reason to think you won't be able to build a support network once you have a baby. There are lots of Anti natal groups, baby groups and groups for single parents. I found I made lots of really good friends when I had kids.

I think having kids as a single person must be difficult but lots of people manage it. I think my biggest worry would be what would happen If the child had additional needs.

The problem with what a few people have said about building a support network once you have kids is that it isn't super practical. I made some lovely friends during maternity leave who offered tons of support through phone/WhatsApp etc but they weren't in a position to come and take my son when I was poorly or accompany us to the hospital etc because of course they had their own partners and a new baby of their own! I advise being realistic and identifying at least one person who can step in at short notice to help you.

Friends you make through baby group can be good emotional support ( although quite often you can struggle to find anyone to connect with also, seems to be luck of the draw).

But... You can't ask them to take a vomiting child if you have to work. They have their own kids to think about.

Usually after maternity leave friends go back to work - the support they can offer dwindles. And these arrangements need to be reciprocal or they soon tail off - as a working single parent how much support can you offer a friend if you're already stretched to your limit? You only have to look at some of the threads on here referring to cheeky fuckers who ask for help from SAHMs in the holidays to see potential issues.

What would happen if you became severely ill or died? Do you have someone who could take the child?

If you really have no family support at all, deliberately having a child as a single parent is a risky undertaking. Yes, I know single parents do it - I do it as a single parent but I wouldn't choose to.

I'm a few years older than you nearer to 50 than 40. I now truly understand why a few of my friends gave into the yearning to have a child and effectively found sperm donors. I refused to do this on principal, because I wanted a loving committed relationship. I made the decision that I would never ever be a single parent and I would prefer to be childless. I deeply regret taking this stance and I'm living with the deep sadness about not having children. I have nieces and lots of godchildren but it's not the same.

I truly feel like I've missed out on part of my life's 'purpose' by not having children.

Don't let anybody talk you out of being a single parent if it's what you truly want.

You'll figure out the budget, support network etc. Good luck if you decide to go ahead.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even hesitate OP. Plenty of women become single Mother’s anyway, even though that’s not what they set out to ever be. It could have happened to you even if you’d found ‘Mr Right’.

Start the ball rolling now, time is sadly not on your side. I’d just start squirrelling a bit of money away each month personally. Don’t forget you will have a nine month pregnancy then some time on maternity leave before you even need to consider childcare fees. Plenty of time to save some money.

Babies don’t cost a fortune, it’s the cheapest a child will ever be .

Also worth noting you may make some good friends throughout pregnancy and the months following if you attend antenatal and baby groups.

I say go for it, childcare fees etc are for such a short time, a child is yours forever. Good luck!

I've not read the full thread yet but I'm in a really similar boat to you OP. I'm 40 in a few days time and spent much of my 30s in relationships with men who bolted when the talk of children came up (or changed their minds). I'm earning slightly less than you. A hefty chunk goes to student loans so I think that's what people aren't factoring in on this thread... and pension payments/taxable benefits etc.

I think at this point you need to put the baby thing above trying to find some guy whose going to want to wait a few years first before he decides what he wants.

I went to an open day at the London Womens Clinic for women wanting to use donor sperm and was really encouraged that there were so many women there. And that also forms a support network in itself I think.

It's also worth looking at coparenting websites to find a gay couple who want to be fathers. You can share childcare costs and the baby gets two extra families.

I say go for it, childcare fees etc are for such a short time, a child is yours forever. Good luck!

What do you consider a short time?
Because my 8 year old still needs breakfast club (£4.50 x 5 days a week) and after school club (£9 x 5 days a week) and then care in school holidays.

Your mortgage is extortionate, can you not move somewhere cheaper?

£700 is extortionate?! Wow.

OP-it’s potentially doable but why aren’t you counting your bills. What do they add up to?