How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

"It was her son who suggested..."

"DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ...."

Lol it was you pulling the strings about the lunch in the first place & trying to prove a point. I'm sure she's not daft and can see through your manipulative behaviour.

But hey, it's must be great for you to feel validated & think YANBU after giving your biased account on here, eh? Too funny!

We have an fb grandma here too, it’s really bloody annoying.

Hasn’t seen her GD for months now, wont drive over to see her etc doesn’t even ask to see GD or I’d quite happily take her over.

Yet she posts pic all over fb ‘grandmas girl, grandma loves you’ blah blah blah forgetting to mention the pics she’s posted were actually taken by either me, DP or one of my family who DD sees numerous times a week!

Our families are very different. Mine love seeing her and spending time with her, DD is very close to her aunts and uncles on my side and my parents too. She hasn’t seen any of her aunts and uncles on her dads side for years, they don’t give a shit. DP hates them for it.

@ShoshanaC 😂😂😂 DH and I both decided we wanted to go out for lunch, and he actively agreed it should be someone from within his family that helped us out seeing as we always lean on mine. He had no qualms whatsoever trying rope his family in to help us.

DH told mil he wanted to take me out. Said nothing about her 'needing' to help more, so she literally wouldn't have seen anything manipulative about the situation at all. But sure, you're free to think that 😂👏🏼

@ShoshanaC Are you the MIL???

@ShoshanaC

You are not nice. Go away.

Wow! I could of written this, yrs ago we had a family meal & my DH asked his DM if she could babysit our DC, he asked her weeks in advance, the day before he asked her if was still ok to babysit, she said she couldn’t as was going out herself, we’ve not asked since, she lives roughly 5 miles away from us & sees our kids twice a yr if that, sees her other grandkids every week though! I say what you’ve never had will never miss, my children really aren’t arsed with her anymore!

@AyBeeCee10 are you taking the mick?

The woman agreed to babysit and OP is trying to encourage a relationship for her DC and DH benefit.

She let her down after being given the benefit of the doubt (which she clearly doesn't deserve) so no, OP is NOT being unreasonable, MIL is.

OP, she clearly isn't interested so hug the hubs, tell him you understand she's family but you won't be giving her the benefit of the doubt in future and leave her to get on with it... you don't see her anyway so you've nothing to lose.

In future stick with the usual babysitters and if at any time she comes looking for a favour/relationship just say thanks but no thanks as she's completely unreliable and you're not prepared to be let down by her again.

Toxic witch.

@NoSauce: it's not fair to compare her parents to his? Are you for real?

It's not about "fairness" it's about the reality of the status quo. It is what it is and if that makes DH feel uncomfortable then that's the fault of his DM not his wife and he needs to man up and deal with her accordingly.

@LostInNorfolk: spoiling for a fight because she was let down by a woman who, historically, is a big fat let down?

Jesus. What a load of old rubbish and spite on this thread. What's wrong with you all today?

Manipulative behaviour? Give over ShoshanaC . How is wanting to go for a lunch with her husband in any way manipulative? (bets on that being MIL? )

DD's paternal grandparents have my DD's older half sister and cousin every weekend. They've never once looked after my DD, and barely see her too. At least they don't pretend to be good GPs to her on social media though, instead opting to pretend DD doesn't exist. I understand your frustration. She shouldn't have agreed if she knew she was going to bail, and even if it was because of her tiredness and sunburn, she should have let your DH know rather than ignore him.

it's hard for me to understand why MiL is the polar opposite. You don't have to understand it you just have to accept it. People are different, just because your grown up child has a child doesn't mean you have to suddenly fit into a role that you have been assigned.

Perhaps she felt under pressure to agree and then felt bad about trying to get out of it. Don't risk it again, don't ask her to have them, if they get to an age where she feels comfortable to have them let her ask.

If you think about it there might be things other people like doing that you don't, that is normal. I don't drink alcohol, I couldn't even guess how many times Ive been told how I'm missing out, I don't care, I don't like it. I like time with my GC, one is here now, two are staying for a fortnight in the summer holidays, another two will be here most weeks over the summer as parents working, people tell me I do too much. None of their business, we are all different and your MIL can't be all bad as she seems to have done an OK job bringing up your husband.

I think you are getting upset as you think she "should" do the same as your mother but she really doesn't need to, she is her own person.

She was rude not to let you know and to ignore her son but she isn't in the wrong because she doesn't want to look after your children.

There’s only one way of dealing with people like that. The old poo in a burning bag on the doorstep trick. Job done.

but you never give a fuck about seeing them or us despite our invites

Next write a reply, " Nanny, GC ask about you a lot. It's been 6 months since they saw you last time. Come on, have some break xx"

I’ve had a similar situation with a family member and posted on FB “looking forward to a date with DH at (restaurant) thanks to his lovely mum (tag) babysitting” - right on cue a PM was received with “what time am I collecting them?”

Sorry you were left high and dry OP. It’s so bloody hard to have child free time with DH. Your marriage is important and anyone who says the children come first 100% of the time are deluded. The children are a priority 99.9% of the time but everyone needs a break and a chance to recharge.

MILs are an enigma and I am sooooo looking forward to being one 😂 😂

My parents love all their GC so, so much, but they spend way more time with my DS than they do my SILs kids.... can you see what I’m trying to get at....
leave her to it, don’t ask her again. Shrug it off with your DH and enjoy your family time

I think OP should assume the worst cool off the MIL. Less visits / contact but still perfectly polite then either

1. She won't care or
2. She'll bring the subject up and you say quite politely thought we were helping you giving more time for yourself and time with sil.

But don't lose sleep over it.

I don't think you're unreasonable, but you clearly live near your family and where you grew up. If you have lived at least 8 hours (and an expensive flight away) then the definition of reasonable expectation is rather altered. Our closest relative is a four hour drive.

Your mil sounds just like mine she is obviously selfish uncaring and favourites ur sil is this her daughter? I would never ask to help again or invite her to anything with your family and I wouldn’t let her see the pics on Facebook if she’s not arsed seeing them for real don’t keep her updated on Fb. I hope ur DH decides to stop including her and just be very grateful for ur side of the family. U are lucky to have them. She doesn’t want to spend time with them otherwise she would see them simple as that. She has no excuse she let you down now you let her go for your kids sake when there older seeing her spending time with cousins and not them they will think there is something wrong with them and it’s her with the problem. Don’t let them feel unloved by her as they will eventually. Good luck.

I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change

And I think this for whatever reason is why the MIL didn’t show up. I guess there’s a lot between the OP and her MIL that we will never know about but I get the feeling just from that one sentence that the OP feels peeved that her MIL doesn’t help out or see the GC very often and she isn’t going to babysit when the OP feels that she should do.

Its was so crappy of her to let you down like that. She could of just said no. My ex mil did things like that would complain about not seeing my dc but anytime i made would bring them round she would sit in her phone and huff because i would take them out when she would smoke. Once my ex asked her to watch dc so we could go to the cinema. I had dc in bed before she came down and she had her ds who was 15 with her and guilted us into taking him along. Didnt get to see the film i wanted because exs little brother wanted to see need for speed and when i came home ex mil had woke my son who never woke had gave him fizzy pop. He was only two at the time so i was super pissed off and she had smoked in the house as the sitting room stunk and so did my son

Does age have a bearing on this? I was 43 when I had DS. None of my family were close by (nearest was 4 hours away). My mum is fit and when she still had a car and license. she helped. My DPIL gave us a weekend away. But even then, 18 years ago, they struggled with a toddler when they were in their early 70s.

If you decide to have a family while you are young fit and able, you should expect to do most of the child rearing yourself. That may mean you don't get weekands away very often .

Can't believe anyone on this thread is calling you unreasonable. If she doesn't want any contact or bother with her GC, fine, but don't act like you see them every day on Facebook or agree to minding them and then bailing, especially without letting her know.

TBH me being a bit petty, I'd up my security settings on FB so she can't see photos you post of them. If she wants to see them then she'll have to come over and make the effort. And I certainly wouldn't be bothering much with her from now on. Life's too short.

After reading your post my immediate thought was BE CAREFUL as the person absent from this is your husband. HE is the one who needs to be calling his mother for her behaviour not you. As much as I know you want to handle this your own way and believe me I feel know you can, his reluctance is so telling. Without him stepping in you will be the bad guy and that is not a good place to be in should she turn nasty. Being the bad guy in the past with no support has nearly cost me my marriage with my husband’s family supporting him and criticising me. Your husband needs to call her out with you supporting him. She will realise, hopefully that her attitude is wrong and will not be tolerated in the future.

Mil is a selfish dickhead. Don't let it worry you.

@NoSauce - Jesus Christ on a bike will you drop trying to get intimate details on OP and MiL relationship, it’s weird! She’s said countless times that she didn’t ask MiL and had a good relationship with her previous, I think you need to accept that there’s no juicy back story. Just GM who can’t be arsed. OP, I have a good relationship with my DM and she’s almost exactly the same because she bloody lazy! She palmed us off as kids to all manner of relatives, plus I was with my DF every weekend so she wasn’t lacking in “me” time when we were kids. She’s never worked full time and has had large periods (years) of not working at all and she still doesn’t want to babysit. She’s also another FB Nana, drives me mad. I only ask her now if it’s for something urgent, like a work training I can’t get out of and even then I know it’s 50/50 on her texting the night before with yet another mystery illness

I am sorry your MIL bailed like that. I disagree with a lot of posters. The woman wanted to see more of the kids and then decided she didn't. Leaving the kids would help them get to know her. She is a shit grandma and you did nothing wrong.