How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

Feel like you might have the wrong thread Eileen.... she doesn't have a 10 year old DD, I've never said that

Yes she should have said earlier. No excuse for not.

But why would you want your children looked after by someone they’ve only met a couple of times?

And if the way you feel
about her is as obvious in real life as it is on here.....

I'm actually really pleasant with her in real life as I don't want to cause excess drama, if I was overtly opinionated/didn't care what was said to her/how she perceived me.. I wouldn't have come on here for advice.
I'm nice to her for the sake of DH, even though he gets pissed off with her too!

I would've felt comfortable with her watching DC's (one would've been napping the whole time we'd planned to go out), because on the times she has seen them, she's good with them, and she's good with SIL's kids too...

Yes, my bad, the 10y/o DD was from a different thread but the rest of my comments are directed to this. It's never been an insurmountable problem for you to visit her, you choose not to. She feels upset by it.

A taxi from ours to hers would cost us around £10-£15 to get there... so that's give or take £30 for a visit. My mum point blank wouldn't let us spend that going to visit her, she'd rather us save our money and her spend £2 in petrol coming to us, where we wouldn't have to load up rucksacks full of things, the DC's could nap in their own rooms, and she'd have lunch prepared for her and she could put her feet up while we host...

MIL has no health issues, is always going on days/nights out with her DH and friends. They're very comfortable financially and own their home outright. She has no problems driving to SIL's, FWIW, or around the country visiting friends.

I’d restrict her on fb. If she wants to see my kids she can come see them, the I love them so much on social media vs the i cant be arsed driving 10 mins to see them in real life would make me too mad.

Not everything in life has to be judged against what your mother would or wouldn't do. You've put a price on what it's worth to you to show some curtesy to your DH's parents, so all's good.

@EileenAlanna I suspect that the OP isn't deliberately making comparisons between the sets of parents, it's probably just hard to see one side being accommodating and the other not.

Thanks Bishop, good to see someone gets where I'm coming from. When I have several people in my life that all share the same views/do the same things/act in the same way, it's hard for me to understand why MiL is the polar opposite.

Given your update regarding your rough patch and asking her to help you have the children one afternoon a week, I don’t understand why her not turning up has come as a shock to you.

She doesn’t want to look after them, stop asking her. I’ve no idea why, she’s either a selfish woman that doesn’t want to be involved with her grandchildren or there’s a big piece missing from your side of the tale.

What would her side of the story be do you think OP?

While I was up the wall she opened the door and left it wide open but left the baby on the step in the rain. She saw him and left him in the rain to go back to the sofa and watch tv.

Bloody Hell!

She's in her fifties, it's tiring, days out and sunburn are perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to be in some charge of young children you barely know yet.

That might fly if she'd replied to the messages her son sent from Wednesday onward, but as she'd obviously decided by Wednesday, that she wasn't going to babysit, those are just excuses.

But I might be a bit unwilling to help out someone who feels about me the way the OP obviously feels about her mil.

Erm, she's also unwilling to help out her own son. Doesn't matter if she doesn't like OP, it's her son she's hurting. Besides, she offered to babysit on the following Saturday. Her son only asked about the Saturday before.

OP plenty of us get where you're coming from, and totally agree with you, don't worry. YANBU.

I agree with pps about restricting her on FB, so she can't see the pictures. Also, I'd pull back from trying to have a relationship with her, and stop the invites, she's shown she's not interested. Let DH deal with her, if he wants to, but tell him he doesn't have to keep trying because they're "family", and you'll support him if he wants to go lc/nc.

People are weird. My mum is constantly going on to me and her friends about how much she loves my girls and how wonderful they are. But on the occasions when she sees them (not often as they don't live near and are adults now) she ignores them almost completely.

A couple of months ago I told her that one of them is pregnant, so she's going to be a GGM soon. She just said "Oh...is she?" and turned back to the TV.

If you have one of 'those' mothers/MILs, there's really not much you can do. At least they're not demanding, I suppose. Small mercies and all that.

@CornflakesOnToast I do get it. Unfortunately for me I've got it on both sides! My DMIL is a big one for it. Offering to have DD and then if you ask, she's either busy or she forgets - as happened a few months ago. Ignored DPs messages all week then claimed not to have her phone despite being seen online.

My DM is another Facebook Nanna - she does her best grandparenting on there!

Then you look at other families and think - what's the difference? Concur wholeheartedly with PPs - limit her access to pics on social media and never ask her again. Feel for your DH; I bet he's feeling embarrassed and let down.

@CornflakesOnToast
@BishopofBathandWells
@saraclara*

My DM is another ‘Facebook Grandma*; forever taking photos with her iPad, but never actually being at all interested in DS.

She lives an hour away but has seem DS 3x so far this year.
Am currently expecting DC2 and all I hear is ‘if only I lived nearer’ (to do what, I don’t know!!!!)

I’m not expecting her to offer free childcare...but a bit of effort to build a relationship would be lovely.
She’s retired, drives, so no real issue.

What’s sad is that DH’s family is so nice - every time I see MIL with DS it reiterates the absence of a bond with my own DM.

Can’t change it....can only change my reaction to it which is to accept its how it is and won’t change.
Please be kind to your OH - he likely realises it’s poor form too and feels upset about it too.

You clearly don't like her and seem spoiling for a fight.

What a load of bollocks @LostInNorfolk.
The OP has already stated that she 'doesn't want to stir the pot' so how you infer that she is spoiling for a fight is beyond me.

It's also quite hard to like people who display zero interest in your kids, so your sanctimonious little homily on "clearly don't like her" is misplaced & irrelevant.
Maybe OP doesn't like her MiL. So what? I don't like flakey liars who refuse to communicate either.

I’m guessing the mum is offay with it?

Offay?!

It’s “au fait”. 😂

Don’t be ridiculous. Who do you think you are telling people to stop.

Someone posting on a MN thread along with everyone else.

So did she turn up then or not ??

So did she turn up then or not ??

No, she eventually got back to OP's DH to tell him she was tired and sunburned, after going out yesterday, so wouldn't be coming round. Bullshit excuses, considering she'd obviously decided earlier in the week that she wasn't going to do it, so blanked her son every time he messaged her.

She’s selfish and doesn’t give a shit. She knew damn well she’d agreed to babysit but later felt like she could t be bothered so flaked out. That’s what technology allows people to do these days. A quick text and they’re off the hook. It’s very poor.

Thanks Motoko !

What a horrible thing for MIL to do.

Don't take this the wrong way but I'd just take the very clear hint that she doesn't want to babysit and make other plans.

I always like to try and see the best in people, and give people the benefit of the doubt where necessary, but I'm finding it hard in this situation.

As others have stated, if I have an issue with her, or even if she has an issue with me is neither here nor there. It was her son that was trying to arrange a lunch with his wife, and it was her son who she decided to ignore then let down at the very last minute, so ultimately, first and foremost it's her son she's let down, then her grandkids, then me.

There really are no excuses for point blank ignoring someone, or not having the capability to be honest if you've changed your mind. The whole thing was just plain rude, massively uncalled for and could've so easily been avoided had she just been straight up with us from the beginning.

We've both learnt our lesson in that we're never going to ask her of anything in the future. DH was both annoyed and upset about all of this, so it's really not worth us hoping she'll start acting differently only to ultimately wind up being let down again!

Thanks for all of your lovely replies! It was good to see that we weren't BU, it's always tricky with inlaw related situations as sometimes I feel I have to bite the bullet to keep the peace, but sometimes I think I have to accept and realise that some people are just arseholes, family or not!

@SchadenfreudePersonified has it. Call her out on FB, that's the lease you can do then fuck her off.