How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

About this "they've raised their kids so they've done their bit" thing- parents who say this (mine included) were generally shitty, disinterested parents, who go on to be the same kind of grandparents. It can be very hard to deal with, especially if it isn't what you are used to. My husband finds it much more upsetting than I do, because I learnt very early not to ever expect anything from them. My MIL would have helped us out, but she is dead (and much missed for reasons totally unrelated to childcare).
Now that the oldest is 17 and useful, my parents are suddenly very interested in him and want him to go and visit them a lot (having moved away) because they want some display grandchildren so they can demonstrate what good people they are. He isn't interested.
You can't make her interested. She just doesn't have what you want from her in terms of interest or empathy. Or, as my husband explains his MIL, "What do you expect from a horse but a kick?"
She was rude and her behaviour must have been hurtful to your husband, but now you know for sure. Don't expect anything from her in future and also consider yourselves released from any obligation to her.

Op I think for future just stop Including her in anything. It doesnt matter what your relationship is. She let you down when she had already committed to doing the childcare - not acceptable at all. It really is her loss.

She sounds useless. My in-laws were reluctant babysitters although they did step in on occasion when childcare broke down for a few hours. But, god did I know about it.

As they became increasingly elderly they needed huge amounts of care and running around after them and I will confess that at times I’ve thought back to those times when I was desperate and felt quite bitter.

Her loss OP if she can’t be bothered to even see her own gc. Bear her attitude in mind later on in life if you ever need to.

If she had been straight in the first place and said she wouldn’t do it then OP could have made alternative arrangements.

true, but I would love to read the MIL side of the story.
Still wrong, but she might struggle when put on the spot, or thought it easier to avoid a huge argument then and decline later. God knows.
The family dynamic doesn't seem that pleasant.

All these posters spinning nonsense and assumptions out of what is a clear situation.

You asked her to babysit. She said yes. She then ghosted you and left you in the lurch with your plans last minute. Obviously that is unreasonable.

YANBU to be annoyed. Anyone would be.

"they've raised their kids so they've done their bit" thing- parents who say this (mine included) were generally shitty, disinterested parents,

I don't agree at all!

I honestly don't think I am a shitty and disinterested parent right now, my life is based entirely around my kids (as it should be I think) and I am more than happy to have it that way. It's family time for the short time they are little and we are together.

Once they are grown-up, as much as I imagine I'll help on occasion, I also fully intend to go back to an adult-only life and enjoy my freedom with DH again.

I would be annoyed too OP.
Don't ask her again.

I asked my MIL once to look after our son for maybe 2 hours,gave a few weeks notice......no she was busy that afternoon.
Fair enough.

Asked my sister who lived around the corner from MIL ......the day we were dropping my son with my sister MIL walks past.....I asked what she was up too,nothing just been shop now heading home.

I never said a word but was annoyed because I felt she had made an excuse.......she had SIL kids all the time......we never asked again and she never offered.

I wouldn't ever ask again

I would also be very cross about this because it would have been so fucking easy to let you know earlier, with enough notice that you could make alternative arrangements, that she wasn't going to do it.
I wouldn't ask her again.
And would likely be highly sarcastic if she mentioned spending more time with your DC.

Yeah, maybe she did resent the way she was asked but that's STILL no fucking excuse to behave like this - it's deliberate to fuck over her son and his wife. Not nice at all.

Wether or not she normally sees the kids or helps out, the point is that she agreed to babysit and then didn't have the courtesy to say that she changed her mind.

That's rude behaviour, pure and simple.

I wouldn't bother with her much in future.

I agree wholeheartedly with @SchadenfreudePersonified

Whether the MIL should be expected to look after her GC or not is entirely irrelevant here. She agreed to a favour, even picked which day she would do it and then flaked knowing full well all along that she didn't want to do it at all. She should have just said NO. That's it. She made an arrangement and reneged on it without bothering to tell them. MIL is rude. And a shitty grandma. Not babysitting GC doesn't make someone a shitty gran but not bothering to see them at all does.

My own mum is one of these her comments on DH's photos or statuses regarding our DC's are something along the lines of 'that's my nanny's boy!!!!' types. Always commenting on my pics and sharing "if your grandkids mean the world to you share this" meme shite. She couldn't actually give a shit.

I once went round to visit (arranged) and she didn't answer the door. It was pouring down and I had a newborn in his carrier (no cover either thanks to a surprise storm)
I sat him on the doorstep for a few seconds while I climbed onto a wall to knock on a window you couldn't access from the door side. While I was up the wall she opened the door and left it wide open but left the baby on the step in the rain. She saw him and left him in the rain to go back to the sofa and watch tv.. I took him inside, dried him off and fucked off home again.

I stopped certain family members from being able to see my pics on FB because of the laughable "that's nanny's boy" type stuff. If I hadn't have blocked them I would have ended up publicly saying something in response. Whether it's a snarky, "Yes he certainly is my mum's boy. She is so proud of him" or a straight to the point, "Why are you saying this? You don't like to see him?"

I made a whole new FB and blocked everyone unwelcome from it so I could have my social media and they couldn't kick off about being blocked or restricted simply because they had no idea FB l2 existed.

I’d block her on social media and drop contact. Your dh should email her to say how disappointed he is and how let down he feels by her, then not contact her. Leave the ball in her court. See what happens, but stop issuing invitations.

She sounds odd. As if she likes the idea of gc but not the reality... anyway, you can’t change her. All you can change is how you react to her.

Stop thinking she’s going to change. She won’t. The sooner you both accept this the better.

You get on with your lovely family and stop letting her hurt you and your Dh.x

OP you're banging your head on the wall, stop it! She's not going to change and more fool her.

@CornflakesOnToast you say she only lives 10 minutes away, do you, DH & DC never go round all together to her home? If she's only seen them 2/3 times in a year were these times she made the effort? If you never go to visit her then quite probably she & others around her have suggested she's a fool to let you then expect babysitting from her.

Haha since when was posting an opinion on a thread "trolling" @lazymare

You may disagree with what I'm saying but that doesn't mean I'm "trolling" the OP. I'm not.

I'd love to hear the MILs POV on this. I agree she shouldn't have said she was available today or tentatively agreed to babysitting and then ignore messages btw.

Had she said from the get go that she didn't want to do it for whatever reason, that would've been fine, I would've then had a week and a half to arrange alternate childcare. It's the fact she picked the day herself that she could do, we didn't ask if she could do a different date, she offered that up herself, then ignored DH for the best part of half a week, only to let us know a few hours before that she was bailing on us.

I do feel awful for DH as he was visibly pissed off last night that his own DM couldn't be arsed to get in touch with him. I know some posters have commented about why didn't he phone her, but that's just not how his family do things. They communicate via message, so I know for a fact she wasn't huffy or annoyed about being messaged, she just radio silenced for no reason then dropped us at the last minute. It makes no sense.

I'm under no illusions that our DC's are ours to care for, and that we shouldn't expect family members to drop things and help us out just because we'd like a lunch together, but I can't personally ever imagine in the future that I'd have no involvement with however many GC's I may be blessed with, let alone ignore my children when they ask for childcare which I'd previously agreed to. FWIW, we literally never ask MIL for anything... a while back, DH and I went through a rough patch and MIL asked me if there was anything she could do to help out... I told her that actually her watching our DC's one afternoon would be lovely and so appreciated, she said that was absolutely fine, say no more, pick a date and she'd be there. We asked her every so often for almost 4 months following that conversation, and not once did she help us out.

I guess we both should've expected this outcome, but given she'd said to DH about wanting to see the DC's more after he'd asked if she could babysit, I really thought she'd pull through.

DH has said he won't ask her in future, which I completely understand. It's just a shame.

If you keep in contact via social media I would have posted on Wednesday/Thursday saying "oh I'm so excited to be having a child free lunch on Saturday with DH, [MIL] you are such a star for having the children #childfree #lovelymil #feeling blessed" - I'm pretty sure you would have got a response.

Just call her and ask if she's still on for today.

I really can't understand GP like OP's MIL. I, and lots of friends who are GP, love to help out adult children when needed and if if means spending time with my DGC well even better.

I don't think you can make her more interested but then it is mostly her loss.

Regarding us seeing her -
Her home is tiny and not suitable for two young DC's. we also don't have a car so the journey via bus from ours to hers takes absolutely ages as it goes all around the houses - not ideal with a double buggy, two young DC's plus all the bags/things you need to take with you when you have young children.

For her to get to us, it'd take her 10 minutes in her car. My mum understands that is loading the kids up and trudging to hers would be a nightmare, and as such, has zero problems coming to ours. Same goes for my Dad and step mum, and my sister.
I've tried inviting MiL round for lunch, DH has asked her to come on days out with us, all of our offers are either rejected or straight up ignored. So it's not like we've randomly called upon her for childcare without us trying to make previous effort. We have tried.

The times mil has seen dc (and is usually the way it goes), were when we took them to SIL's (who lives round the corner from us) for things like birthdays, Boxing Day etc, and she happened to be there too.

I would be annoyed too OP. I’m in a similar position. As my child has gotten older they have recognised that granny and grandad are more interested in their cousins (SILs kids). We just don’t bother with them now,
It was upsetting my child and I’m not having it.

phones are for old people.

Well, at least us ‘old people’ haven’t lost the art of conversation and are able to interact face to face.

A family of four without a car? That's alien to me!
Anyway she's rude and I agree with other posters that I wouldn't ask again in fact it would be very low contact from now on.

"Her home is tiny and not suitable for two young DC's" you'd be going for an hour or two not moving in for 6 months. Have you dissed her home like this to her face? Tbh I can see no real reason why you can't visit her even once a month. A 10 minute trip in a taxi could hardly be described as a "nightmare" after all. Perhaps she's gutted that you make almost effort to see her apart from these "fun days out" where she probably assumes you want her to drive you all. She works full time, has a 10 year old DD still at home & is in her 50's. Cut her some slack. Is there a husband/partner on the scene or is she the sole provider/parent? Is she in any kind of financial straits where she's find it hard to fill up the car with petrol? Has she any health issues?