How to handle this situation with MIL?

[CornflakesOnToast]

Posting here for traffic mostly, but I guess it'll have a hint of 'tell me if I'm BU' to it...

DH and I were looking to head out to lunch last weekend without the DC's for some 'couple' time, and seeing as we always rely on my family to help us out, I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change + she'd get to see the DC's who she only sees maybe twice/three times a year despite living 10 minutes away (that's a whole other issue) ....

Anyway, DH contacted his DM, she responded saying she was busy last weekend but could do this Saturday. Great, we thought, we'll take what we can get! Have spent all week looking forward to a few hours break with DH, only to find out that my MIL has been ignoring all messages from DH regarding babysitting since Wednesday  She's an active Facebook user, has posted multiple times while DH has tried getting through to her, but she's been reading his messages and just not responding.

DH is understandably fuming that his own DM is just straight up blanking him to get out of watching our DC's for two hours, but he's not (and won't) say anything to her or pull her up on it.

It's now 7:30 on the day we're supposed to be going out, and we've still no idea if we're actually going to be able to do anything! If she couldn't do it, or even didn't want to, is it not courteous to simply say 'no' as opposed to ignoring someone you said you'd help???

I feel like messaging MIL and asking her to please let one of us know if she's actually going to help us out, as the blatant ignoring is just shitty! But I don't know what best to do or how's best to deal with this?

You are going through the stages of grief OP
I think there is a reasonable expectation to be had that grandparents would want to cherish precious grandchildren
And when that relationship is sadly absent, (and for you for apparently no valid or good reason), then you will go through a process
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
i was at the anger stage for a long time with my MIL who has barely acknowledged the existence of my 6y old boy but now i have accepted it, (so sad as shes the only grandparent left), although me and DH still at times feel a bit sad for the children and still bewildered by it. What they are missing out on! I wouldnt miss it for the world. And i wouldnt want to miss out on my chldrens children growing up, if i am lucky enough to see it

She’s said countless times that she didn’t ask MIL

What are you talking about? It was the OPs idea for her DH to ask his mum to babysit for a change.

Plus it’s blatantly clear from the OPs posts they don’t have a good relationship and that she is pissed off that her MIL doesn’t want to spend time with her GC.

Get your dh to sort it out. It’s his mum

NoSauce, I'm not sure what you want me to say? There is no elaborate backstory, no dramatic falling out. My DM is on holiday, we saw my DF and step mum the previous weekend and had a lovely day with them and our DC's. My DH frequently praises and is so thankful for how much my DM involves herself with our DC's/our lives, and has made comments in the past about his dm's lack of involvement. As a result of all of this, yes, I suggested that perhaps his mother should help us out rather than us always relying on my family, he completely agreed with this, and had zero problems asking her if she was free.
MIL said she wanted to be more involved... picked a date that she could do.. neither myself nor DH prompted this after she said she couldn't do a previous date, she then ignored her own son and cancelled on us a few hours before she was supposed to get here.

I don't understand why you don't see why I'm pissed / why you're trying to make me look like the bad guy in this situation? It's mental.

It's so nice to hear what supportive family groups there are in the world, how families managed before the last 70-100 years with no support from family members is amazing, guess now a days you have kids and when their old enough to leave you get your life back and dont have to support them ever again like parents supported you, or grand parents supported them etc etc,

I suggested it'd be nice if MIL could actually help us out for a change

Can you not see how that comes across OP? Maybe, somehow your MIL has picked up on how you feel and that’s why she’s not happy to babysit. It’s just odd that she does it for her daughter but is reluctant to help her son out.

@JustOneShadeOfGrey

I’ve had a similar situation with a family member and posted on FB “looking forward to a date with DH at (restaurant) thanks to his lovely mum (tag) babysitting” - right on cue a PM was received with “what time am I collecting them?”

I don't understand how this is a similar situation? The family member asked when they'd pick your kids up to babysit them

There is literally no way whatsoever that MIL would've picked up on anything she received a relaxed message from DH during an ongoing conversation asking if she'd mind babysitting on a certain day as he'd like to take me out.. she said she couldn't do that date as already had plans, so she then offered DH a different date.

Other than me saying to DH 'hey, my mums away, we've just spent the weekend with my dad, and the last time we got an hours break was when my mum took the DC's the other month.. think you could ask your mum this time? She'll be able to spend some time with them too' I said nothing to MIL about her needing to step her, I've never once hinted or remotely mentioned to her that I think it'd be nice if she saw us more, I'm always pleasant around her. My family are welcoming with her too, but all have said how cold, standoffish and blunt she is. I honestly just think she can be really rude and thoughtless sometimes.

Sorry if you’ve already said, but has DH ever spoken to her about why she helps out with his sisters children? Or has it never been mentioned?

Just a thought after your last post, could she be jealous of your family and the relationship you have?

I don’t blame OP for feeling let down and a bit resentful. MIL is a CF. Wants all the glory on FB without putting in any effort.
My PiL live 5 mins away and both drive. They want to see DC’s every weekend, but only if we bring them round to theirs and if we are present. They’ve looked after one of my children once. That was when I was in labour and even then they got arsey because I couldn’t give them an exact date in advance...
... they have SIL’s DD to stay over most weekends and drive 30minutes to collect her. Go figure.

DH would never ask MIL anything like that. He'd rather avoid the situation entirely so as not to add fuel to the fire.

Her help with SIL isn't constant, but in comparison to us, it's worlds apart. I think she's watched SIL's DC's (who are only a year or two older than our DC's) about 3 times this year. She's helped us out twice in 3 years...
We rarely/if ever ask her for anything, so it's not like she's blanked us then bailed because we're always asking for something from her.

@fakeniceperson the grandmother is a being rude ... if someone made plans with me then decided to not rock up
For no reason and was clearly ignoring me for no apparent reason I would be fuming .. if it was my mum I would be very sad.

She should have said no to start with or contacted later on to say she wasn’t up it... basic manners

I can see why as your MIL prefers to communicate via message, you felt you had to, but with her, I would be tempted to actually ring her, as a message is very easy to ignore, as you can see.

If you are ever in the situation of needing to get an answer from her, phone her, not message - if she wants to communicate via message, she has to actually communicate. A call gets you an instant answer, even if the answer is 'no'.

I just wouldn’t ask her ever again tbh OP. For whatever her reasons are she doesn’t want to be a part of all your lives, which is very sad of course. But that’s her choice at the end of the day.

I've no idea how she feels about my family's involvement. But she could have that too if she took us up on our offers of lunches/days out etc.

The main reason my DM sees our DC's as often as she does (about twice a month), is because she'll message me midweek to ask if she can take one or both of the DC's out for an hour or so the following weekend, or will pop round to see them.
Same with my DF and step mum. They'll get in touch every 6-8 weeks and arrange something with us, either a family day at theirs with my DSis and her DH, or they'll drive to ours as they understand it's easier for them to drive to us as opposed to us getting the train to theirs.

Either some people are not reading the OP's post properly or will twist anything to defend grandparents/MIL's.

The MIL agreed to provide childcare for a few hours and asked her DS arrange the timings during the week. She then ignored them. Rude.

OP, you don't sound entitled, some people would rather deflect bad behaviour back to DIL's than acknowledge that some GP's are just crap.

I wouldn't ask her again. She's not reliable and doesn't want the hassle of looking after her GC even if it's only for a couple of hours.

And to all the people that think the OP is unreasonable … she's trying to maintain a relationship between her DC and their GM when the latter clearly doesn't give a fuck. After all, she only lives ten minutes away …. how much effort would it take to pop in for an hour every so often?

Regarding the Facebook posts re: "that's nanny's boy" etc …. I would delete her (or at the very least mute) … why the hell should she take pride and credit in her grandchildren if she doesn't want anything to do with them?

I feel like lots of you have never heard “it takes a village to raise a child”
Children benefit from being raised by many people not just their own parents. It’s a very new thing to imagine that you wash your hands of your family once they’re grown up. My PIL are amazing and see my DS every week-either with us or by themselves. He also attends nursery and as such is outgoing and articulate at 2.5. My own dad is not interested (although weirdly brilliantly with him when he’s here). It’s who he is, I don’t push it. But similarly We don’t give him the consideration that we give my PIL. You can’t make someone care about your children but it will be them that miss out.

Did she contact you or your dh re your lunch Cornflakesontoast ?

Think you need to give up on her and arrange your life with the people/family who have time for you. Fine if she makes gestures to help, but she sounds like someone who does things when it suits her, that’s no big problem, we’re all different, maybe she’s had enough of the family thing in the past.

OP. Your DH needs a hug but your DC don't need another GM. You note that they already get lots of time from your family.
I think I would use this as a lesson learned and never ask again.
My family have rarely had my children in 12 years, but have helped out when we have had to attend weddings etc. My own DM has never once changed any of my babies nappies. Some people are good with and keen to see DGC, some just are not that way inclined,
Learn the lesson and move on and have a low contact relationship.

Phone her

OP - your MIL wouldn't be the first grandparent who thought they should want to spend lots of time with their grandchildren, and like the idea of being a lovely granny, but in reality can't be arsed.

So she'll post lots of FB stuff about loving her grandchildren, because that's what she's supposed to do, and probably will show photos to friends of them, all proud of her grandkids, but not actually want to do the work of lookign after them or even spending time with them.

Just support your DH, but assume she's talking shit if she ever offers again. Don't invite her over, wait for her to say she'd like to see you. See how long she's actually prepared to go without seeing you all.

People all seam to have different ideas what family life should be like. I'm nearly 60 and if my DDs had any children I'd be ready, willing and waiting to babysit for them. Yeah when your own children leave and live there own life's you do get yours back but family extends to GC and most GPs are delighted to look after their GC once in a while.
I think your MiL was being incredibly selfish she didnt need to agree to babysit she could've said no, if she wasn't going to she should have informed you instead of letting you down last minute. I feel sorry for your DH he must feel terrible that his own mother can treat him and his children in this manner. I also feel very sad for her she's alienating her son and his family and may someday look back and regret what she's done only to find out its too late to repair the damage.