“How do you think it’s acceptable?” - Help

[Spiceupyourlife]

DH and I are newly married.

No history of arguments but yesterday we’d spent the whole day traveling home from a holiday - both tired and very hungry as hadn’t eaten all day.

I went out to do the shop whilst he stayed home to unpack and when I returned (and started making food) he pointed out that I’d bought too much of something (Jam) as we’d already got some.

Oh sorry I didn’t check/ realise. He then stands there with the jam in his hand asking me where this should now go as there’s no room on the shelf. (Whilst I was trying to make dinner) 🙄.

I perceived his tone to be quite nit picky and annoyed so asked “How do you think it’s acceptable to male a big issue of this now?” (Both tired and hungry whilst I’m trying to cook)

He took HUGE offence to my use of this phrase and we didn’t speak all night/ morning. (He asked if I wanted to talk JUST as I’d made my food and I said no as I wanted to eat my first meal of the day - 9pm)

Now he’s basically implying my that my use of ‘how do you think it’s acceptable?’ Is manipulative/ unreasonable behaviour and that I’m overly aggressive when we disagree 🤔

Am I? Is ‘how do you think it’s acceptable to...?’ A completely inappropriate way to communicate.

I didn't get past someone even registering that you'd bought a jar of jam sooner than necessary, how bizarre, does he have control/anger issues

Who cares about stock control of jam? It doesn't even go out of date for months

Should I apologise? I sort of have already but he’s making out that I’ve ‘got a problem’ when we argue being too snappy and overly mean.

🤔 I really don’t think I have - I’m a pretty confident/ articulate communicator who has worked in lots of customer facing roles so I really don’t think I’m impolite

Shove it up your arse should have been your response imo...

He sounds utterly bonkers. Who even cares about having too much jam?! What a non-issue to be getting annoyed about.

Is he like this in other aspects of life?

You were both tired and hungry. He was a jerk. I don’t think it’s a big deal

I'd have told him exactly what he could do with his jam.

If I brought jam home and we already had some DH might say "Oh there's a couple of jars there already." I'd say "Oh right, it'll get used anyway". He'd stick the jam in the press and that would be the last anyone would think about it.

He went to put it in the cubboard and there are a couple of jars there already (I bake so we go through it quite quickly) and this point he said (I think quite pointedly)
Him- ‘we are accumulating jam’
Me- ah sorry didn’t check before I went
Him- where is this supposed to go? (Stands waving the jam)
Me- (washing vegetables in the sink) does it matter?
Him- (huffs and turns away- think he muttered something but can’t be sure)
Me- how do you think it’s acceptable to make a big deal of this right now?

He's a prick, is he usually this controlling about what you buy?

It's strange that he made an issue out of one extra jar of jam.

I couldn't imagine that becoming an issue - but you were both over tired. Stupid stuff can cause stupid arguments.

Have you had contact today at all?

Oops, translate press to cupboard there. I'm Irish and sometimes forget to mentally translate here when I write stuff.

The confusion I caused about the 'hot press' a few months ago was something else!

I think you were both tired and hungry. Just let it go. These minor niggles/spats happen in all relationships.

He then stands there with the jam in his hand asking me where this should now go as there’s no room on the shelf

I'd tell him to stick it up his arse. I mean, who can't just put the jam on another shelf ? Standing there with it , asking ridiculous questions, would have riled me right up. He'd have ended up wearing the damned jam. .

He is saying that my use of ‘how do you think it’s acceptable’ is accusatory and an unreasonable way to communicate - I actually think it’s quite a healthy way to express when you can’t get your head around how someone else is behaving 🙄

He said I’m verbally abusive - for saying this
Am I?

You both overreacted about something very minor because you were tired and hungry. Agree to forget about it and have a cuddle. Life is too short to drag out silly arguments.

Lead him by the hand, gently to the back doot, show him the patio and tell him if he doesn't STFU he'll find himself under it

JKS>

Weird. No, YANBU although it sounds like an argument borne of hunger & tiredness.

However, having gone out & done the shopping and then the cooking, he deserved snappy!

I do think "how do you think it's acceptable" is a very loaded / overdramatic term though - he hadn't exactly committed the crime of the century by asking you a question!

He said he pointed out the surplus of jam ‘to be funny’ but it did not translate like that.

We spoke just now but didn’t get anywhere - he basically thinks I’m verbally abusive and I think he’s bonkers

I'd start buying jars of jam and putting them where my DH would find them...

The more odd the place the better.

Car cubby. Sock draw. Fruit bowl...

FGS don’t apologise, you have done nothing wrong. You are not verbally abusive, he is a dickhead.

I’d happily forget about it but he’s making me feel like I’ve basicaly abused him 🤔 and I really don’t think I have. I think had I started shouting and swearing that would have been obviously unreasonable but I couldn’t follow his logic - why when we were both tired and hungry he thought that was the time to discuss a surplus of jam (which was obviously my fault) 🙄

You were both tired and hungry so ended up arguing over something you really won’t remember even next month. Both apologise and move forward.

Of course “how do you think it is acceptable” is not verbal abuse!

I suppose you could have said “Do you think it’s acceptable”, which would be a little less accusatory but ... meh.

My DH often takes exception to my “tone”. But hey, usually I have used that tone instead of being outright arsey about something he has it hasn’t done so again ... meh.

Is annulment an option?!

I'm sorry I can't take this seriously,
Married and non married couples bicker it happens then you move on .
I'd let it go .