“How do you think it’s acceptable?” - Help

[Spiceupyourlife]

DH and I are newly married.

No history of arguments but yesterday we’d spent the whole day traveling home from a holiday - both tired and very hungry as hadn’t eaten all day.

I went out to do the shop whilst he stayed home to unpack and when I returned (and started making food) he pointed out that I’d bought too much of something (Jam) as we’d already got some.

Oh sorry I didn’t check/ realise. He then stands there with the jam in his hand asking me where this should now go as there’s no room on the shelf. (Whilst I was trying to make dinner) 🙄.

I perceived his tone to be quite nit picky and annoyed so asked “How do you think it’s acceptable to male a big issue of this now?” (Both tired and hungry whilst I’m trying to cook)

He took HUGE offence to my use of this phrase and we didn’t speak all night/ morning. (He asked if I wanted to talk JUST as I’d made my food and I said no as I wanted to eat my first meal of the day - 9pm)

Now he’s basically implying my that my use of ‘how do you think it’s acceptable?’ Is manipulative/ unreasonable behaviour and that I’m overly aggressive when we disagree 🤔

Am I? Is ‘how do you think it’s acceptable to...?’ A completely inappropriate way to communicate.

"How do you think it’s acceptable" equals "your behaviour is morally deficient" and is clearly fighting talk.

Your defence should not be that it was neutral, but that it was a reaction to his wrong-doing that he deserved.

I find it incredibly irritating when my husband goes to the grocery store and buys stuff we have too much of. I try to manage my irritation so as not to appear controlling, but still...

'How do you think it's acceptable to....' is a teensy bit stronger language than 'let it go, you're making something of nothing' but I don't think it's in and of itself aggressive.

I wouldn't underestimate the stress of all-day travel and being hangry.

Try to draw a line under it and move on.

Keep an eye on this kind of behaviour.
It may be that he was just really Hangry.
But you are newly married and abusive twats tend to show their true colours once they HAVE you.
If it's a one off then I'd let it slide but I would not apologise.
Make a note of it somewhere and if this kind of thing happens again then you'll need to re-think things.

He was being silly, you were both tired and hungry and he overreacted. Just say "I didn't mean to snip at you yesterday- I think being tired and hangry got the better of us" and move on. If it keeps happening, find a calm time to talk about communication.

There are always people who will tell you that their marriage was perfect from the get-go, but I think this is normal and not indicative of either of you being controlling or abusive. I just think that subconsciously you start to define what your marriage is and small discrepancies can take on a lot more meaning.

DH and I had some stupid rows like this after we married that we wouldn't have had before. By a year in, we'd found what fit.

If I was hangry I would:
Lose it over a shelf being full of jam.
Lose it over being asked where to put a jar of jam when I was about to eat.
So I don't think either of you are being unreasonable about those things.
What you said to him was condescending.
It was not verbally abusive.
So over those 2 points you are both being unreasonable.
So in summary, you are a perfect match. Congratulations. I wish you a long and happy marriage together

Peliroco 123 wrote
when we were newly married I would throw things at Dh
No one batted an eye
It seems throwing stuff is fine as long as its women doing the throwing.
A man answers back and its a LTB situation.
Classic double standards on MN
I agree with Letsrunfar

He is definitely in the wrong here. I agree that your wording was slightly condescending, but he's the one massively overreacting and throwing around accusations of abuse. I hope he's calmed down and apologised, OP.

Are you me, OP?

I used very similar phrasing when my husband stormed into the bedroom at 10.30 (I was literally practically about to fall asleep), DEMANDING that I talk NOW about how there were some tiny black marks on the back of one of his work shirts. WHY were they there? WHERE were his other shirts?

(I do laundry, he does bins & dishes)

I said exactly what you said - how do you think it's acceptable to talk like that! Perfectly willing to answer his questions to give a hand. Actually sorry his shirt has an inadvertent mark. Absolutely will not accept being spoken to like a servant who's done her job badly.

I hope your post wasn't a snapshot of your relationship and that he pulls his weight while you are busy doing the shopping, the cooking, and the baking, instead of just sulking about where to put an ingredient. Did he at least mange to unpack the cases without needing instruction/intervention?

*manage

I'll be honest, your wording would have put my ack up and I'd probably told you to fuck right off. But then, I'd probably have said the same to him about the jam.

You were overtired and too hungry, you'd had a long journey and tempers fray.
The more concerning thing to me is how petty he's been since - after a meal and a rest there's no way he should be carping on about this or being sulky. It's very controlling behaviour.

If that had been me, i would have taken the jam from him and thrown it in the bin with a 'that's bloody sorted the storage issue now piss off'

A bit like when i stormed to the bin with the frying pan containing 4 sizzling lamb chops because my husband remarked ' oh, i thought you were grilling them'.

I get irrational when i'm hungry.

My DH and I had a similar argument about s bag of frozen peas. I bought a pack while shopping, when I got home he was all “ why have you bought those, we have a packet in the freezer blah, blah , blah” I was hot and tired and stressed ( had teenagers) so I said you know you are right we don’t need the peas. I opened the window threw the bag out onto the driveway and stomped off upstairs to have a lie down. DH went out picked up the peas, bag had burst open, made me a coffee and brought it upstairs we had a good laugh. Been married a long time it was just one stupid argument.

Sounds like you were both being unreasonable OP. Which is a perfectly natural response to being tired after travelling.

Me and DP are both ratty after travelling, so we now have a routine where we just order takeout and do our own thing the evening we get back - saves us being unkind when the tiniest little thing irritates us (i.e. The time he staked the pans wrong, or the time I offered a plate that was too small)

Me and DP are both ratty after travelling, so we now have a routine where we just order takeout and do our own thing the evening we get back

That sounds fucking amazing.

How long have you known him before you got married?

@AlaskanOilBaron it really is! I think our biggest blow ups have been after travelling (Part due to the travelling, part due to spending every minute of the previous week or two together) so it just makes for a more peaceful household.

Also, no one goes out shopping, its done online to be delivered the next morning, and suitcases stay in the hall until the next day.

Oh, and in response to the OP rather than just spoutigg off about how lazy I am when we get back from holiday. Just apologise and move on - there's no place for point scoring in a marriage (other than on who makes the best gravy)

Defo sounds like a tired/ hangry row, the type i have frequently. Normally it's resolved by eating fish and chips an then both apologise for being arsey.

I agree with SenselessUbiquity.

It sounds like a silly argument up until the point where he accused you of being verbally abusive. That manipulative would worry me, because you know if he’s saying that to you, he’s liable to mention that you’re ‘verbally abusive’ when trying to get sympathy from others.

‘How do you think it’s acceptable’ sounds very teachery, it sound like something I would say to a child at school . If I said that to dh he’d tell me to stop ,’teaching’ him( Like plenty of pps I’d have told him to stick the jam up his arse )but you dh’s sulking reaction makes me think you’ve got it spot on. He’s acting like a sulky 5 year old.

Posters have literally admitted to violent and irrational behaviour and no one says anything as they are women.

A man made an inappropriate joke while hangry and he is a gaslighting, controlling abuser with a superiority complex. You could not make this up...

I’m not sure many people would, on being told to “stick jam up their arse,” actually try to. I would assume if dh made a lame joke able where shall I put this, “up your arse” would be a pretty universal smart arse reply.

Oh get a grip. I think you overreacted with your "how is it acceptable" line. He was just being a man child asking you where it would go instead of finding a place. A better answer from you would've been "wherever you can find a space" instead of taking an accusatory line that was bound to escalate it.

Whilst I do think you were the one who escalated it into an argument that didn't have to happen, his response to act the victim is another massive overreaction.

Good god you two are going to have some difficult times ahead if this is how you both deal with things.

I assume they've made up now.