“How do you think it’s acceptable?” - Help

[Spiceupyourlife]

DH and I are newly married.

No history of arguments but yesterday we’d spent the whole day traveling home from a holiday - both tired and very hungry as hadn’t eaten all day.

I went out to do the shop whilst he stayed home to unpack and when I returned (and started making food) he pointed out that I’d bought too much of something (Jam) as we’d already got some.

Oh sorry I didn’t check/ realise. He then stands there with the jam in his hand asking me where this should now go as there’s no room on the shelf. (Whilst I was trying to make dinner) 🙄.

I perceived his tone to be quite nit picky and annoyed so asked “How do you think it’s acceptable to male a big issue of this now?” (Both tired and hungry whilst I’m trying to cook)

He took HUGE offence to my use of this phrase and we didn’t speak all night/ morning. (He asked if I wanted to talk JUST as I’d made my food and I said no as I wanted to eat my first meal of the day - 9pm)

Now he’s basically implying my that my use of ‘how do you think it’s acceptable?’ Is manipulative/ unreasonable behaviour and that I’m overly aggressive when we disagree 🤔

Am I? Is ‘how do you think it’s acceptable to...?’ A completely inappropriate way to communicate.

(maybe some JAM sandwiches).

Is he always like this carrying something on? He said he made a joke which it didnt come out as and you said what you said no hes accusing you of abuse-its trivial its nothing hes playing mind games with you

What a whiny ridiculous manbaby you got yourself there!

Seriously? he said you were verbally abusive because you questioned whether what he was doing was acceptable?

That was a short honeymoon period, wasn’t it.

Sadly this happens with lots of men. They get married and suddenly think they can Lord it over the little woman and be boss of the household,

I'd tell him I'll apologise for wording my question like that once he apologises for having a shit fit over an extra fucking jar of fucking jam, and yes I would use those exact words.

TBF I'd probably have used the word 'useful' or 'helpful' rather than 'acceptable' which to me has slightly more patronising overtones, but it honestly isn't such a big deal as to start sulking and claiming verbal abuse!

He sounds very controlling. Who gives a flying fuck it’s jam!

Why didn't you just get a takeaway?

He is being an arse. There was nothing wrong with what you said. Next time stop and eat on the way home.

He sounds like a nightmare.

But why did you both go all day without eating? Were you in a location with no access to food? Being hungry probably led to the initial cranky conversation but he had no business escalating it, sulking and making ridiculous accusations of verbal abuse.

Just call him a cunt. That way, at least, he might have some grounds to call you abusive...

Do you know each other at all?
I hope this is not a 'Marry in haste-repent at leisure' marriage!

Is he the type to keep this going until he gets an apology OP? So you would know your "place" ie: inferior to him because I would be seriously side eyeing him over this.

I agree with @SenselessUbiquity

You're newly married? Please tell us the holiday you were travelling home from wasn't your honeymoon? This could be a very short marriage if you're both making such a drama out of a small argument over a pot of jam!

Sorry, but in my view "how do you think it is acceptable?" is, if not abusive, extremely rude and belittling. It implies that you alone have the right to decide what should or should not be discussed, and that the person to whom it is directed is your inferior. It is the kind of thing that can be said to a misbehaving teenager, but not to a spouse.

Going against the grain here. I think that you were being unreasonable in what you said as well as him.
Verbally abusive, no. Over-the-top slightly too angry, yes. Ideally, if not hanging in rags and starving, you should have toned it down a notch to 'take a look at yourself...it is a pot of jam'.

He was being unreasonable too though. The irritable faux-joke over something so minor.

I think you should apologise for being tetchy but he should too. Then don't ruin any more sunny days and have a nice weekend together.

He sounds like a total pillock.

At first I thought your slightly work-placey phrasing might have set him off. The I read this by TheTit:

I'd tell him I'll apologise for wording my question like that once he apologises for having a shit fit over an extra fucking jar of fucking jam, and yes I would use those exact words

Spot on.

It is really not ‘verbally abusive’. Making a fuss over where the extra pot of jam is going to fit while you’re cooking is ridiculous but could be put down to tired and hungry, but making a fuss about your reaction and still being so OTT about it now he’s (presumably!) eaten is not on.

You say you have no history of arguments. Is he just totally new to how to manage disagreements? Is this his first serious relationship? Might well be fixable if so but he’ll need to agree to having some serious conversations about how disagreements are going to work in your marriage.

Mine wouldn't even know where the jam is kept!

It's really hard to tell from your transcript, so much depends on tone. Like, I could completely imagine standing in front of the cupboard and announcing "We are accumulating jam" in a mock-serious voice. If DH then asked me how I think it's acceptable to whatever, it would seem like a massive and unnecessary escalation. I do think it's quite a superior-sounding phrase to use.

However, if he was really getting his knickers in a twist over the extra pot of jam then you were right to call it out. And the fact he's still sulking today seems ridiculous.

God he's lucky he isn't married to me as he might have been wearing the jam lol
It all sounds very blown out of proportion and is more than likely down to hunger and fatigue. I don't think you have anything to apologise for but neither would I push for one from him.
I would just try to carry on like normal, just start up general conversation and ignore what happened. Hopefully he does the same but if he brings it up again just say you'd like to leave it now, it's done and really isn't necessary to be re-visited.

You both messed up by not eating all day and both getting hangry.

You were both a bit twattish, no doubt from being tired and hangry. Let it go. He was ridiculous for making a big deal, and the 'acceptable' thing does seem condescending. Call it a draw and eat your food.

Did you live together before you got married?

It's just a spat between a couple which should be allowed to blow over.

Fucks sake, he's pass out if he looked in my cupboards. Non issue, tell him to grow up and not be starting silly arguments over nothing.