“How do you think it’s acceptable?” - Help

[Spiceupyourlife]

DH and I are newly married.

No history of arguments but yesterday we’d spent the whole day traveling home from a holiday - both tired and very hungry as hadn’t eaten all day.

I went out to do the shop whilst he stayed home to unpack and when I returned (and started making food) he pointed out that I’d bought too much of something (Jam) as we’d already got some.

Oh sorry I didn’t check/ realise. He then stands there with the jam in his hand asking me where this should now go as there’s no room on the shelf. (Whilst I was trying to make dinner) 🙄.

I perceived his tone to be quite nit picky and annoyed so asked “How do you think it’s acceptable to male a big issue of this now?” (Both tired and hungry whilst I’m trying to cook)

He took HUGE offence to my use of this phrase and we didn’t speak all night/ morning. (He asked if I wanted to talk JUST as I’d made my food and I said no as I wanted to eat my first meal of the day - 9pm)

Now he’s basically implying my that my use of ‘how do you think it’s acceptable?’ Is manipulative/ unreasonable behaviour and that I’m overly aggressive when we disagree 🤔

Am I? Is ‘how do you think it’s acceptable to...?’ A completely inappropriate way to communicate.

I think ‘how do you think it’s acceptable’ is pretty strong wording for a bicker actually! Obviously he was being unreasonable for making a fuss over a jar of fucking jam, but ‘acceptable’ is a strong statement. It’s a term I’d associate with far more heinous misdemeanours and if I were tired and hangry it would really inflame things.

That being said, if you don’t have a history of arguments you will at some point need to learn to argue with each other. I think you both owe each other an apology and then maybe it’s time to let this one go?

Ninkaninus - I had this with DH after I got married later in life... 41.

He spat at me after we'd had a row and 2 weeks after we got married that I was "lucky to get married at my age". I spat back "if you ever say that again I'm thinking about divorce". He knew I wasn't joking and apologised profusely. This came from a man who was lovely beforehand and is lovely now... Can't even think why he was a dick then.

Jam lasts for ages so I don't get this at all. Who cares. He is probably annoyed about something else or just a grump

I agree with @peachgreen, I do think, if my DH said that to me, I’d feel on the spot naughty, like a teacher was telling me off. Some people get really defensive when they’re being shot down like that.
Maybe he’s feeling skint after the holiday and was worrying about ‘more jam you don’t need’ - “tetchiness” on both sides I think.

Of course it wasn't verbally abusive. If he thinks it is then he is utterly clueless.

If he had asked me in that manner where the jam was going to go then I might have been tempted to make a ridiculous suggestion such as "I don't know. Put it on the roof, in the drive, in the bathroom", as I have often done with my kids following a daft question.

If he thinks your response was verbally abusive then he would probably be traumatised by mine.

My husband is like this and gets very upset /offended for receiving sharp responses to bloody stupid questions and statements that should never have been be verbalised.

I don't believe there is anything that can be done about it. I should have been listening out for this crap earlier on in our relationship. As you are newly married make sure this is a one off and not going to be habit forming.......

Oh for heaven's sake!

He really needs to get out more.

One bloody jar of jam! I'd go out and buy every bloody flavour I could now, just to make a point!

Jeez he should try our house. I get it in my head that we've run out of things and buy them only to discover we had surplus and definitely didn't need it. See the 7 bottles of bleach under my sink and 5 bottles of Worcestershire sauce in the cupboard

Once you finished reading all the "leave him" "this is abuse" comments.

Go to your husband, say "sorry for pissing you off Hun" he'll likely say sorry too.
Get on with you life.

Most of us have stupid fall outs over stupid things, it's the human condition.

Absolutely no cause for alarm or concern.

Yeah, your wording wasn't great but not abusive.

His inability to decide where to put a jar of jam would just make me laugh out loud at him.

But, I agree with everyone else - who does a quick whiz to the shops after a holiday and no eating and buys bloody jam anyway?

Maybe he felt you had been gone too long and the food could have been ready quicker if you had been poncing about buying jam? I mean, I get hangry and apart from the fact I'd either take my emergency pizza/home made meals from the freezer and have that, or get a take away, or any number of things that didn't involve going to the shop at 9pm (or I'd have at least stopped at a shop on the way rather than get home and go out again*), I think I'd be a bit askance if my partner went shopping for a quick meal and came back with jam!

*actually I'd not have got to 9pm without eating anyway, but that's another issue really - better planning!

"if you had been poncing about buying jam?" - not been!

Don't apologize, but tell him you will take on board that he objects to the wording you used and you will think before you speak again....
Choose your battles... No one can win this one.

Daft question but was this a really expensive jar of jam? Made by unicorns and packed by fairies? Seriously though, my ex was like this, it got to the point he even used to check the receipts and what was in the cupboards.

how do you think it’s acceptable to make a big deal of this right now?

Does sound like something you'd say to a naughty child though. It's got a "superior parental" tone to it.

But then you were both tired and irritable so presumably you wouldn't use that turn of phrase if not? He's being a dick to keep it going though.

I agree with appropriateadult this sounds like the kind of thing that would happen in my house. I’d buy something extra my husband would pass comment and I’d see it as criticism because I’m annihilated with tiredness and hunger. Only you know if he was actually getting pissy at a jar of jam or just passing comment that you could open a jam shop with the amount of jam in the cupboards.

Boy I hope you don't have kids or are not planning on having one any time soon.

if you are bickering now because you are tired, a new born and the exhaustion that come with them will kill you.

Obviously you were not being verbally abusive OP. He's being a picky, unhelpful wanker.

I think perhaps what you said sounded a little formal, but it easy enough to do when trying to rein in a more angry comment.

but if he can't just accept that sometimes people speak in a stressed way when tried, stressed, hangry, hassled, busy etc (and that he was being spectacularly pathetic and not funny), then he has a real problem, more than mere tired bickering. The accusation is going straight to the big gun, and while absurd, its off putting to you and puts you in the wrong, and that's the point. He's not a poor fucking victim. Agree that you need to sort this out with him and draw a line. If he has anxious, lazy, controlling, wronged-victim attitudes then they will be likely to come out now soon after marriage sad to say. Had this with an ex.

I wouldn't be apologising for anything more than both being stressed, and only after he drops this abuse accusation. Sometimes these kinds of things are little tests but you only realise much later.

Look up DARVO and think about his other patterns of behaviour. Freedom Programme too OP. maybe he'll grow up and apologise and it'll all blow over, but you need to look out for yourself.

Hopefully he'll get over himself soon

I recognise the behaviour from an abusive relationship.

I think SenselessUbiquity is very right in what she says. It would be a massive red flag for me too.

People dismissive of red flag indications often have no experience of DA so don't recognise the signs that others will pick up on.

I'm with Senseless in that this is possibly a red flag. One one hand you both were hangry and it may be a one off. On the other hand, it could be the start of 'grooming' you to walk on eggshells fearing to disagree with him for fear of being 'verbally abusive'. From that comes being controlled and giving up your autonomy. I suggest that you take a moment to sit quietly by yourself and take a look at things and question yourself. Do you 'give in to get along', even in small things? Have you changed things you do/say to avoid even petty arguments (or sulking)? It starts with small, seemingly insignificant things and before you know it, you're living 'his way' rather than 'our way'.

FWIW, my ex didn't become abusive until we were married, not a sign of it. Then WHAM, once he got his ring on my finger I (apparently) became a 'possession' who was supposed to defer to him in all things.

It all depends on what he's normally like. He sounds a bit useless (where should I put the jam has to be one of the daftest questions) and quick to take offence. I hate people who sulk and ignore, so that's a red flag in my book.

OP

Absolutely nothing abusive in what you said.

Do not apologise.

I think you need to have a big think.

Is this a totally isolated incident.

It reads to me as Gaslighting you.

He actually sounds like a nasty twat.

I really hope he's not.

If he is.

Be very careful.

Honestly, “how do you think it’s acceptable?” would put my back up far more than a “fucksake - it’s jam! Leave it!”

I would find that patronising and (depending on tone) quite superior.

Of course, you were superior because he was being a dick over jam!

But it’s the kind of phrase I’d have used to my XH by the time I’d reached the level of utter contempt for him.

I can’t say that’s how he would feel though - so much depends on tone.

I certainly wouldn’t be apologising any more for it - late, tired, hungry. Maybe holiday come down / back to work blues.

when we were newly married I would throw things at Dh , he is pretty good at ducking

He's shifting the blame- my DH is an expert at this. He was being passive aggressive about the jam and you get it in the neck for standing up for yourself on trumped up charges. A few times is fine but I have had a married life of this and it's not fine. DH can never be wrong or apologize. It's meant to grind you down until you stop answering back.

As far as I’m concerned, whoever was a dick first gets to apologise first. Why on earth should I apologise for responding in kind?

He was a patronising, superior twat first. No need to fall all over yourself apologising to smooth it over.