“How do you think it’s acceptable?” - Help

[Spiceupyourlife]

DH and I are newly married.

No history of arguments but yesterday we’d spent the whole day traveling home from a holiday - both tired and very hungry as hadn’t eaten all day.

I went out to do the shop whilst he stayed home to unpack and when I returned (and started making food) he pointed out that I’d bought too much of something (Jam) as we’d already got some.

Oh sorry I didn’t check/ realise. He then stands there with the jam in his hand asking me where this should now go as there’s no room on the shelf. (Whilst I was trying to make dinner) 🙄.

I perceived his tone to be quite nit picky and annoyed so asked “How do you think it’s acceptable to male a big issue of this now?” (Both tired and hungry whilst I’m trying to cook)

He took HUGE offence to my use of this phrase and we didn’t speak all night/ morning. (He asked if I wanted to talk JUST as I’d made my food and I said no as I wanted to eat my first meal of the day - 9pm)

Now he’s basically implying my that my use of ‘how do you think it’s acceptable?’ Is manipulative/ unreasonable behaviour and that I’m overly aggressive when we disagree 🤔

Am I? Is ‘how do you think it’s acceptable to...?’ A completely inappropriate way to communicate.

Wow! Well he's certainly a sensitive soul. I guess you are learning quickly to avoid eating your first meal of the day at 9pm.

FWIW I think you were being a bit unreasonable for the "How do you think it's acceptable..." because he wasn't really making a big deal out of it. And I can imagine you said it in a very tetchy way. But, really? Meh. No biggie.

However, in no way is this emotional abuse and dh is certainly making a HUGE deal out of it now. He needs to relax a bit about conflict. Maybe have a chat tonight and figure out why he is so afraid of conflict and why he is so overly sensitive to what you said/ how you said it. Maybe there is stuff in his family or past relationships to deal with because I don't think his response to this is normal.

YANBU. He is being ridiculous, over buying jam too soon. Honestly

Then turning it round onto you, as if you are the one in the wrong. No. I would honestly take this as a red flag. Maybe not enough in itself to LTB, but keep an eye on things at least. Its odd behaviour.

My DP does stuff like this. "You do realise we've already got some?" He says he hates waste but who gives a shit if it's going to be eaten?

I'm not much better though - he complained one night that I'd made too much mashed potato so I ate the lot in front of him. Pretty childish but it made me laugh.

Sorry OP - no advice but feeling your pain!

Please, read SenselessUbiquity's post ( Fri 05-Jul-19 13:29:36). And then read it again. She has clearly explained why I felt uneasy reading your posts.

"DH and I are newly married."
I think this is relevant. I think at some level he feels that as your husband, he owns you. You are to jump to his commands and whims. AcrossthePond55 has experienced this. Benefit from her experience.

Above all, be assured - you were not verbally abusive. That he is constantly telling you that you are is a red flag in its own right. He's trying to make you believe his lie - the very definition of gaslighting.

when we were newly married I would throw things at Dh , he is pretty good at ducking

Errr...what? Is that an attempt at a joke or are you really admitting to violent behaviour?

I remember being told by someone years ago that their first row was about her wasting a small amount rice. That row grew out of all proportion to the spoonful involved. After that every time they found themselves getting upset about minor things they used to say “spoonful of rice” to squash it from escalating.

I think "how do you think it is acceptable" is strange turn of phrase to use in the circumstances. I would usually associate it with a more serious discussion when someone has done somethig really wrong, and not withbdiscussing a jar of jam!!

Heonestly if this is the worst row you ever have you will blessed. Let it go.

It kind of sounds like two AI bots talking to each other. I can only picture it in Dalek voices.

🤖 We-are-acccumulating-JAAAMMM

🤖 How-do-yoooo-think-that-is-acceptable

And then the pots of jam explode.

Asking you where the jam should go and this while you are cooking FFS is clearly, clearly, utterly unacceptable behaviour, a red flag, a sure sign of gaslighter, and he is undoubtedly a controlling abuser who has now shown you his true face.

6 of 1, half a dozen of the other.

You were both tired and hangry. He was a bit shit for making a bigger deal out of it than need be. You were patronising with the whole 'How do you think it is acceptable...'

You could have just said 'No big deal, just stick it anywhere.'

Absolutely no need for this to escalate into all night sulks and stops on either of your parts.

*strops not stops

It kind of sounds like two AI bots talking to each other.

This made me do an actual real life lol.

It's fucking jam fgs 🤨

I agree that he was making a mountain of a molehill, but “how do you think it’s acceptable...” is quite an aggressive way of phrasing what you wanted to say. Maybe just acknowledge that you could have put it another way but you were tired and hungry after travelling so it came out wrong.

I got caught up in a big jam argument not so long ago.
Jam really does seem quite explosive.

I had one of the worst rows ever with my best friend as we were both tired and packing coming back from holiday.
It was over a can of sardines, I wanted to bring them home (even though I hate sardines) and she didn't.
We are still friends.
Mountain out of a mole hill

If we were both knackered and starving and I'd gone out, done the food shopping and was in the middle of cooking I would say "really, you think now is the time to make an issue of this?" or some such - which is basically what you said and I guess it's the "acceptable" bit of it that has put his back up.

But to call you "verbally abusive" is mean, which is precisely the thing he is accusing you of. Ideally you would both apologise for being snappy/sulky/stressy etc. and move on, but I would want him to sincerely retract the "verbally abusive" accusation and if he couldn't I would seriously be thinking about getting out of the relationship.

make him jam sandwiches for the rest of the week till its used up. Let him know hes a grown man and the jar can sit on the counter top if need be. personally he would be getting a bit of very hot chilli sauce in that jam sandwich if he kept up the attitude.

"How do you think it is acceptable" would sound quite aggressive to me. I am used to being spoken to more nicely by my other half.

would be tempted to escalate with "How do YOU think it is acceptable to buy shit tons of jam we don't need and expect me to find somewhere to put it whilst you fanny about making food THAT DOESN'T CONTAIN && JAM..."

I know a great divorce lawyer.

Your husband is metaphorically flexing his muscles and trying to be 'the big I am'. Nip that in the bud now or it will get worse! Not speaking to you is ridiculously childish as well as unkind. Nothing worse than a sulker.

Honestly, who would think a jar of jam worth mentioning? I bought six jars of Robertson's thick cut orange marmalade, on offer, recently and husband said not a word. I managed to find sufficient place to store them, already on second jar.

OP, I would take the middle line of saying "I am sorry for snapping at you. I do not think the words I said were remotely abusive, but I said them crossly and for that I am sorry. I would appreciate a similar statement from you to the effect regarding the jam."

For those saying your statement sounded supercilious, I've found that saying "Fuck you you fucking cunt" tends to cause more issues and so I am careful to use more formal phrasing! Admittedly my DH has commented that my underlying sentiments shine through, but he grudgingly acknowledges the effort I am making to use polite language. We argue a lot if you hadn't realised!!

If he maintains that you are abusive, simply maintain a calm "No, I wasn't but I'm sorry you felt that way." Do not under any circumstances say that he might be right, even to keep the peace, because he is not. His response will tell you a lot about his character in the long run.

He's being a hangry twat

He thinks you're verbally abusive? Tell him he's controlling and manipulative.