“How do you think it’s acceptable?” - Help

[Spiceupyourlife]

DH and I are newly married.

No history of arguments but yesterday we’d spent the whole day traveling home from a holiday - both tired and very hungry as hadn’t eaten all day.

I went out to do the shop whilst he stayed home to unpack and when I returned (and started making food) he pointed out that I’d bought too much of something (Jam) as we’d already got some.

Oh sorry I didn’t check/ realise. He then stands there with the jam in his hand asking me where this should now go as there’s no room on the shelf. (Whilst I was trying to make dinner) 🙄.

I perceived his tone to be quite nit picky and annoyed so asked “How do you think it’s acceptable to male a big issue of this now?” (Both tired and hungry whilst I’m trying to cook)

He took HUGE offence to my use of this phrase and we didn’t speak all night/ morning. (He asked if I wanted to talk JUST as I’d made my food and I said no as I wanted to eat my first meal of the day - 9pm)

Now he’s basically implying my that my use of ‘how do you think it’s acceptable?’ Is manipulative/ unreasonable behaviour and that I’m overly aggressive when we disagree 🤔

Am I? Is ‘how do you think it’s acceptable to...?’ A completely inappropriate way to communicate.

This sounds exactly the sort of meaningless bickering DH and I do when tired and fed up, and then 30 seconds later we get over ourselves. He is being VVVV unreasonable to be still stewing over what you said, and IMO your response was better than what mine would have been: "just put it in the fucking cupboard!"

For the avoidance of doubt, what you said was absolutely not verbally abusive, whereas having a go at someone for buying an extra jar of jam could well be, in context.

WTF😂😂😂

"Verbally abusive"?! He's entitled to his own opinion, but his opinion is melodramatic and ridiculous. People argue; he needs to get over it.

A man like that has no concept of what it actually means to be verbally abusive, is "you stupid fucking cunt", or "are you always this stupid?", or my dad's favourite, "you stupid girl, what's wrong with you?".etc. It's jam. Just jam, and you were NOT "verbally absuive" in the slightest by simply asking if he thought it was acceptable to argue about it right then. How on earth is that possibly abusive?

Just cover each other in it- use all the jars if needed- and make up.

So much of this is bonkers.

• Why does he care how much jam there is?
• Why is it your problem to find space for it when you’re already doing the cooking?
• Why did you go straight out to do a big shop when you had just got back from holiday and hadn’t eaten anything all day? Why didn’t you just buy some bread and beans from the local shop or get a takeaway like a sane person?
• Why has he taken offence to your turn of phrase which wasn’t remotely rude?

I don’t understand why two adults didn’t eat anything all day until they were tired & irritable at 9p.m.

Hangry.

For the avoidance of doubt, what you said was absolutely not verbally abusive, whereas having a go at someone for buying an extra jar of jam could well be, in context

This. He needs to get off his high horse and let it go. If he can’t then he needs to get some help to deal with his issues. Otherwise your relationship will not weather the storms of children, family ill health or money problems.

He’s just having a tantrum because you are right and he’s wrong, and you called him out on it.

You haven’t verbally abused him.

Plus, if the jam thing was a joke, then he is shit at jokes. There’s loads of potential for a jokey way to describe a lack of space for jam, gosh I’m going to really have to JAM this in... there seems to be a bit of a jam here etc. “We’re accumulating jam” doesn’t sound in any way jokey to me.

Next time say ‘how do you think it’s acceptable, you cunt’

I think we all have particular phrases or words that bother us that wouldn’t both others do if he hates you using that phrase you can learn from that and endeavour not to use it with him in future - but that’s to consider his feelings not because you are being ‘verbally abusive’. Sounds like you just have different communication styles and in his head he has decided that yours is the wrong one! (FWIW he should also learn that making a big deal about things to a hangry woman will not appreciated!)

I don’t understand why two adults didn’t eat anything all day until they were tired & irritable at 9p.m

that's all i've taken away from this thread too!

Ffs- just pathetic, the pair of you

Hanger will do that to you. Meh, he's obviously a sulker. I've got one of those and I just ignore him till he eventually forgets about it.

I don’t understand why two adults didn’t eat anything all day until they were tired & irritable at 9p.m.

Me either.

But it is a bit worrying that he would a) think it mattered how much jam you had (does he need to get a life?) and b) needle you about it.

this is a massive red flag - to me. Full disclosure: I spent a long time in a terrible relationship with a dick. Things that give me shivery flashbacks:

• being critical when there is no need. Who cares if you have one more jar of jam than strictly necessary? It's not even expensive. He was too keen to jump on that, he sees himself as the authority and you the junior.

• expecting you to drop what you were doing to deal with his complaint. That "drop everything" attitude has my ex all over it. He sees you as an employee - "I have identified this issue, you must deal with it." you aren't senior enough to be allowed to manage your own time, in his view.

• Here's the big one. There is nothing wrong with what you said. He knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on about the actual jam so he has moved the goalposts to being about your tone. THERE IS NO WINNING HERE. no matter what you do about your language or tone, the actual issue is that he doesn't think you have the right to dismiss his (pathetic, trumped up) criticism and say so. If you start tying yourself in knots to achieve this magical sweet tone which is the one it is ok for you to argue in, you're doomed to failure. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DISAGREE WITH HIM.

• here's the other big one. He's claiming fake victim status. You're the bad guy now and that justifies any coldness or anything else he inflicts on you.

My ex ignored my sweet polite requests and then blew up into manufactured drama at my slightly sharp ones.

I am breathing a prayer for you right now. You've got to nip this bullshit in the bud. Don't negotiate with it. You'll get nowhere.

I don't think your comment was great. If my dh asks where to put something then I always say to stick it up his bum...

LTB

No, I think you both need to admit that you were tired and hungry. Offer to make him a jam sandwich

If he thinks that phrase is verbal abuse he's led a very sheltered life and needs to broaden his horizons

make a lovely bakewell tart for tea using most of a jar o0f jam. It will serve as a tasty treat to make up over as well as freeing up the jam cupboard. win win!
See also Jam roly poly, jam sandwiches, jam on toast, jam tarts etc etc.

You were both tired and hungry: he was a nitpicking arse and you were supercilious. Sounds like 90% of relationships when both parties are shattered. Make up and move on.

Sounds like a regular argument between two hungry people. I'd be pretty annoyed if someone had filled a whole shelf with jam jars and there was no space to put another bloody jam jar and I was starving hungry so I don't think he's a prick in that regard. I do find it hard to believe the cupboard is so full that there wasn't space for one jam jar and you both felt the need to go shopping, though.

But "how do you think it's acceptable..." is not verbal abuse, him suggesting that either means that there's bigger issues here or he's got no idea what verbal abuse is. Like maybe explain why that's slightly offensive? I'd say ignoring you the next morning is a lot more manipulative. Who has an issue with it after a meal and a night's sleep?!

Although, the fact you've never had an argument in all the years you've been together may make everything seem like a bigger deal, is he very sensitive? Like honestly... you got through a wedding and a holiday without arguing and this is your first one, that's impressive. I think annulment would be an overreaction for people who've only had one argument after years of dating and a huge life event.

He sounds ridiculous for the fuss he made-you can always shove stuff up or stack, can't you?

But then I also find your phraseology odd- like something parroted from a self help guide!

I have a sibling who would use such language, message bullet points & tbh I do feel that it's a way of putting me in my place/being superior.

Neither of you are covered in glory. He was picking a fight about something utterly unimportant. And if my DH asked me "how do you think it is acceptable..." I would want to know when he turned into the acceptability police. You were condescending.

(Also should it not be "why do you think it is acceptable"? Not that it matters, I'm just curious).

Bloody hell, this sounds like something from a 1950s British comedy film with Kenneth Moore and Dinah Sheridan.

Be brave OP, you both WILL get over this traumatic incident. And may I suggest you take some sandwiches when you're travelling next time?