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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 10/07/2019 05:16

@LannieDuck that circles text is perfect! !

Op: stick to your guns. Your mum is being Vvvvvvvvu.

This is not about her. This is about your son. She needs to learn boundries. No is no.

All pp saying it is fine are all overbearing, overstepping and annoying mums like that themselves (or will turn into that when older ). See how that works out for them in the future Hmm

Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 14:21

Just a quick update,

She came again today for his swimming lesson and once again stated that she would be seeing ds on Friday and would be 'dragging your df with me' (he had previously said to us he's more than happy to wait for the call to say he can visit)

I then reiterated that we would call everyone when he was ready, and that that could be on Thursday evening or Friday or Saturday but that we would keep everyone posted on how it all went, when he comes out, how he's doing etc. That he would probably be fine on Friday but if he wasn't then it wouldnt be fair to him. I stated that I was only looking out for ds best interests and don't mean to hurt anyone.

Then she came out with 'it's not your idea, it's your dp's and he is being controlling. I will not be controlled'. (she has this idea from when ds was a baby and needed to be home by a certain time otherwise he really struggled with the evening routine, so if we were out for the day I would have basically a curfew. This never applied when I was without ds obviously. Dp also had the same curfew if he was ever out with ds)

We have also politely declined her offer of a lift to the hospital because she has a study day in the afternoon and might not be able to bring us home, so there's an issue with the car seat (there is only one and it gets swapped between cars as its a very easy to clip in high backed booster). She has accused me of wasting her annual leave and claiming she 'would do anything for that child' (except respect his potential need for peace and quiet apparently). So now I feel very guilty and like the mean daughter.

She has also said she will not be sucked into the drama, even though if she had just accepted 'please wait until we say it's ok' there wouldn't be any drama at all.

I've called my df who is being very reasonable about the whole thing and he has said he will speak to her and tell her to back off with the demands. Me and dp both explained that it felt like she was putting her wants above ds's needs, and that we hadn't said she can't see him but just requested that she wait for the green light. So I feel like we at least have a bit of backup irl from him.

She's bloody got my head battered with the whole thing!

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 13/07/2019 14:43

So everybody's fault but hers then, OP? No surprise really. I hope your father can talk some sense into her and that the procedure goes well for your DS.

Sirzy · 13/07/2019 14:47

To be fair from the way you have posted I do think she may have a point about him being controlling.

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 14:51

I also get a sense of control and your DH jumped as soon as she mentioned visiting

Also this...

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

Sounds like he's irritated about the visit not the fear of DS not being well.

Alsohuman · 13/07/2019 14:52

I think she’s got a point about him being controlling too.

Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 14:55

My dp has a shorter fuse than me but is really not controlling. I can do whatever I like whenever I like, we had an agreement regarding getting ds home by a certain time when he was a baby because he was a nightmare otherwise. Dm was under the illusion that it was me who had to be home by a certain time when in fact it was ds. She didn't like the fact that I couldn't trail around the shops in town with her until 8pm with a very young child, or that if we were stopping for lunch it needed to be before 3pm if he was with us.

OP posts:
user1471442488 · 13/07/2019 14:59

Your DP does seem like a bit of an arse tbh. Calling you to check the WhatsApp like there was something massively important going on, and then you jumping in to back him up.

I’d say your mother has a point about him.

SavingSpaces2019 · 13/07/2019 15:11

Dp is also now being dramatic saying if she knocks on the door uninvited she won't be let in
No, he's not being dramatic.
He's the only parent taking a firm stand regarding his sons needs and your mothers entitled and rude attitude.
She's not just undermining you as parents and trying to control your decisions, but she's also deliberately interfering in your relationship.

We are cross that she is flagrantly disregarding our boundaries
So why haven't YOU been forcefully direct with her and said this?
Tell her bluntly that she won't be allowed in if she turns up uninvited?
She isn't respecting you as a mother, she seems to think you should still be treated like a child.

She has also said she will not be sucked into the drama
SHE is creating it!
You need to pull her up on her attempts at deflecting and gaslighting you.
You've got a toxic mother on your hands and you don't seem to see that or know how to stand up to her.
If you don't stand up to her she's going to end up ruining your relationship with your DP.

What will you do if she does turn up uninvited?
Will you stand united with your DP seeing as you're both on the same page - or will you submit to your mums bullying ways?

rocketmen · 13/07/2019 15:41

YANBU. Nobody has a right to force themselves into your house after a surgery, no matter what.

HolyFuckballsBatman · 13/07/2019 16:08

Your partner sounds like an arse.

That's all I'm getting from this thread. Your mum wants to check on her DGS and your partner has said that if she turns up he'll leave her on the doorstep?
That sounds like an adult throwing a tantrum to get his own way. I agree that he seems controlling.
He's irritated (or furious, as you put it) because she isn't giving in to his demands.
There's no drama (even though you and partner seem to be creating your own dramas) unless she agrees to your exact instructions, if she doesn't it all kicks off. That is controlling.

He seems to be creating arguments and friction between you and your mum. Trying to distance you maybe?
If he wasn't in the equation would you allow your mum to see DGS when she wanted - or would you still be stopping her?

Selling your house, partners job being taken over, oven breaking... all irrelevant to your mum wanting to spend time with her DGS after an op.

rocketmen · 13/07/2019 16:27

"He's irritated (or furious, as you put it) because she isn't giving in to his demands."

His demands? He and OP both have a right to set boundaries in their own house. How many people here are just grandparents that are angry somebody won't give into "granny knows best"?

Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 16:28

I'm not stopping her from seeing him. I'm asking her to let me make sure he's well enough and yes I would be doing the exact same thing without dp's input.

I am thoroughly shit at standing up to her though. I'm quite conflict avoidant and she is a strong personality with some very firm beliefs /viewpoints

OP posts:
Weezol · 13/07/2019 16:37

My basic principles are to consider any request, but a demand earns an automatic refusal.

'Mum, stop asking. I have explained what is happening. I will not be discussing this again'

When she brings is up again (and she will) rinse and repeat.

When she turns up (and she will) You need to be the one to answer the door and tell her no visitors. Stop throwing your DP to the lions - of course she's blaming him, you are using him as a human shield.

HolyFuckballsBatman · 13/07/2019 16:37

@rocketmen I'm certainly not a grandparent.
And I can still see that this stinks.

Granny can only be involved when dad says so.
OP is desperately trying to keep the peace - which wouldn't be necessary if her partner wasn't furious in the first instance.

It's natural instinct to want to see someone you love when they come out of something such as surgery. If granny didn't want to see the child straight away she'd be wrong.

I do think that not allowing her to see DS once he's out of surgery - even quickly, to allay her fears, is cruel.
But, dad says no and that's the end of that.

HolyFuckballsBatman · 13/07/2019 16:38

@BillywigSting Ok. Do, do you think your partners reaction to this situation has helped in anyway?

rocketmen · 13/07/2019 16:39

@HolyFuckballsBatman have you ever considered that this isn't the full story?

How would people react if it was a MIL demanding to see a child the day after a surgery (no matter how minor) and saying that they wouldn't be turned away at the door no matter how the child was feeling?

Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 16:48

I think my partners reaction (saying let's see how he is when dm stated that she would be visiting ds, not requesting) has been perfectly reasonable.

If you read my post where I outlined the conversation that was had you'll see its not a case of 'granny can't come' but no-one can until we think he is ready for it. Which could well be the Friday, in which case she can visit. But if it isn't then she can't, and neither can anyone else. Dp's reaction to this insistence was anger/irritation. Mine (when I read the conversation, especially the part where she said wild horse won't keep her away) was a feeling of upset and being disregarded. It felt very much like she was putting her desire to see him over his potential need for rest.

She has been like a dog with a bone and won't drop this insistence on seeing ds the next day.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 13/07/2019 16:48

I don’t think it’s the full story at all. I bet it’s the DP stoking all this up. He’s told OP she’s shit at standing up to her mum, probably when there’s nothing to stand up to. He sounds like a controlling arsehole. I suspect OP’s mum is on to him and he knows it.

TheDandyHighwayman · 13/07/2019 16:56

DP has penis so is clearly at fault.

For fucks sake, the mother is riding roughshod over everyone and it's the kids dad who is controlling?

There are some fucked up people on here.

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 17:07

@TheDandyHighwayman the DGM is obviously a big part of DS life, takes him swimming every week for example. Why would the.DH be quite cross because she said she wanted To Visit?

Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 17:20

He's not cross because she wants to visit!

OP posts:
plasterboots · 13/07/2019 17:25

He's not cross because she wants to visit!

But your Op states

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross

It clearly states he was cross because she wants to visit here? He just got more cross when she argued back?

Weezol · 13/07/2019 17:30

Some Odeon level projection on this thread along with an inability to comprehend basic English.

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 17:33

Where is the inability to comprehend basic English?