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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

395 replies

BillywigSting · 05/07/2019 12:55

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 17:40

I'll repost the conversation that was had again.

*The conversation (on Friday) went as follows

Dm: have morning off so can pop in for aan hour or so on 19th [day after op]

Dp: OK thanks, let's just see how he is on the day before we make any plans

Dm: will be popping in to see him even if just briefly, wild horses could not keep me away!

I hadn't seen the conversation at this point, but dp called to say that I needed to check the family chat on WhatsApp. So I did.

My reply: will see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home! We'll let everyone know when he's ready for them

Dp: we aren't even getting the oven delivered on the 19th in case ds has any problems

Then there is a bit of rambling re the oven that isn't overly relevant

Dm: hopefully he won't have any problems, I will be calling in yet won't stay for too long. After what happened to you dd have to see him

Dp: we will let everyone know if he's up for anyone turning up

(text from dm separate to group chat) dm: have to see him or will go out of my mind!

Me: we'll call either way to let you know, stop panicking he will be perfectly safe*

OP posts:
plasterboots · 13/07/2019 17:44

@BillywigSting that differs from the OP, I presumed the OP to be correct.

Still don't see why he called you to look at the WhatsApp it was urgent and didn't in anyway need to be addressed that minute or even day. You've had days since that you could've addressed it, so why the "you need to check the family WhatsApp?"

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 17:45

^it wasn't urgent

HolyFuckballsBatman · 13/07/2019 17:49

@rocketmen I can't imagine ever stopping a family member (especially not a grandparent) from seeing my child after an operation. Especially when it's something that they're anxious about!
I don't think she's just being a pain. I think she's genuinely worried and wants to see him to put her mind at rest.

GM wants to see DGS after surgery (the same surgery OP had as a child, in which she was very ill afterwards) - child's dad has said nope, not until I say so. GM (still concerned) has said nothing will stop her. Dad is now furious.

She's not riding roughshod - she's frightened and concerned for her GC and is being prevented from doing the one thing that'll allay her fears. The fears which are not unfounded, due to her daughter going through what she is fearing many years ago herself.

It is cruel to prevent her from just popping in!

PanamaPattie · 13/07/2019 17:50

DP isn’t controlling. DM is creating the drama because she won’t listen. No one is saying DM can’t see DS. She can see DS if he’s up to it after his op and if he wants to see her. It’s not difficult to understand. DM has got the arse because she’s not getting her way. DM believes her needs and wants take precedence over everything else.

HolyFuckballsBatman · 13/07/2019 17:52

What do you think is going to happen by DM visiting? Really?

Alsohuman · 13/07/2019 17:53

It makes me wonder what sort of Fil DP will be in 20 odd years time. I bet some dil will be tearing her hair out because he insists on his own way all the time.

Original poster
BillywigSting · 13/07/2019 17:53

I really don't see how the urgency is relevant. I can see why my dp didn't want to get into an argument with her. He didn't tell me what to say, simply to check our family WhatsApp and my reply is above.

My dp is not the bad guy here but he always is to my dm.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 13/07/2019 17:54

YABU she just cares, it would be worse if she didn't. She's said it'll be quick if needed so I don't know why you're both angry honestly.

MrMakersFartyParty · 13/07/2019 17:58

Why did he call you to say you needed to check the family WhatsApp? Sounds like he thrives on drama

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 18:03

really don't see how the urgency is relevant. I can see why my dp didn't want to get into an argument with her. He didn't tell me what to say, simply to check our family WhatsApp and my reply is above.

There was no urgency, none at all, he knew you'd see the WhatsApp eventually but it just seems like he was insisting you get involved immediately, which in turn seem ms controlling.

Obviously issues between DM and your DP which makes things difficult for you.

anon812 · 13/07/2019 18:18

Mercury retrograde... but be firm with her about the fact that he might not be up for visitors

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 18:21

This is a child recovering from an operation - not a birthday party. If his parents can't say no to visits until he is well enough without causing a family bust up, something is seriously wrong. I get the ops DM is worried, but that can be settled with a phone call. Sick kids need rest and sleep, not a parade of visitors.

Aprillygirl · 13/07/2019 18:22

It must be so awful for you to have a mother who cares about her grandchild OP Hmm Any man worth their salt would be encouraging that closeness instead of trying to cause a family feud over nothing. Your DP sounds like a drama queen who's decided to throw his weight around for no particular reason, and I would definitely put my mother before him on this occasion if I were you.

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 18:39

Sick kids need rest and sleep, not a parade of visitors.

A parade of visitors, his very close DGM! Who is also medically trained. Hmm

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 18:41

A gp who created for their grandchild would put what was best for the GCs post surgical recovery before their own wants.

Alsohuman · 13/07/2019 18:43

What if those were the same thing?

Alleycat1 · 13/07/2019 18:43

MynameisRachel Spot on! MIL sounds a bit of a panicker, not what child recovering from an op. needs.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 18:50

what if those were the same thing?

Then the parents will invite the GM round. Because they are the parents. It's their decision.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 18:54

The parents will be at the hospital. They will be told by the doctors what needs to be done after the op. They will be the ones looking after him. They are the only people who can decide if he is up for visitors. This thread is fucking crazy!

plasterboots · 13/07/2019 18:58

The thread isn't fucking crazy, it's got differing opinions, not particularly one sided.

Personally I still read it as a power struggle between the DP and DGM, obviously the DP can abs will trump DGM, but in my opinion not necessarily for the right reasons.

Alsohuman · 13/07/2019 18:59

Completely agree @plasterboots.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 13/07/2019 19:03

It would be a power struggle if they were trying to stop dm coming round. They're not. They just want to wait until they know the outcome of the surgery before making arrangements for visitors. That's not a power struggle. That's common sense.

Alsohuman · 13/07/2019 19:07

It’s a power struggle in my book.

popehilarious · 13/07/2019 19:07

OP just yesterday I saw a child (older than yours) who'd had eye surgery and was obviously feeling really awful despite the surgery being successful. He was uncomfortable and just needed calm and to try to sleep. I know it's not the same situation but having a visitor then would not have been the right thing for him so it's completely understandable where you're coming from.

Not really relevant to your dm though as she's decided what the argument is "really" about...Angry

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