Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

[BillywigSting]

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

There's a thread going at the moment where the OP is complaining that her MIL made no attempt to visit dgc after hospital visit.............

An overbearing Mum/MIL isn’t instantly made better by the fact some people have a Mum/MIL who wouldn’t bother visiting.

My Mum was violently abusive. It doesn’t mean other people should accept everything from theirs just because she doesn’t stub out cigarettes on their skin.

All the OP said was that she’d let her mum know if her DS was up to visits. That’s it. A fair standard response about visitors when someone is having surgery.
Insisting you will visit someone no matter what isn’t being a caring person. It’s being selfish, and the OP says her mum has form for it with medical matters.

It’s the OP’s Mum who has turned this into an issue. Not the OP or her husband.

Erm, it's his grandma it should be ok. I understand she's being forceful which is annoying but she obvs loves him. But I think you can say Mum we'd love you to see him but we're his parebts and it's our choice.

YANBU
It's the attitude you are quite rightly annoyed with.
I don't understand why do so many people think that the needs of the GM come before the needs of the child to rest.
OP has made it clear GM can visit if son up to it. GM is clearly overbearing this occasion. As the daughter of a nurse I get this...

I feel like there must be more to this than you are letting on. If your mum is popping by for a quick visit I can’t see a problem. In fact I think it’s lovely. It is different if she is planning on staying or putting you out in any way but a quick pop by, how is that bad? I am sure if there is an issue with it on the day you can explain why she can’t visit but for now why not just go with it plan for the operation to go smoothly and for her to pop by for a visit.

I think you have to try and appreciate the love and joy grandparents can give while we still have them. They mean we’ll, remember that could be you when your kids grow up.

She clearly adores your son and being a nurse maybe feels she could be of use. I don’t understand the GP hate, it’s so sad. I love the fact my DC have a strong bond with both sets of DGP.

The thing I don’t get; if DS isn’t feeling great, then a quick visit from a caring granny isn’t going to actually hurt. I get that she hypes him up, etc, but that’s actually unlikely to happen if he’s as flat as a pancake, is it? Plus it might be nice to have someone cast an eye over him/make a cuppa for you.
We live in a strange world. Families are more and more distant - and yet it’s that very family which will need to be involved with the big decisions for aging relatives (stay at home or go into a home? Etc).
Value every last drop of family support you have OP. Yes, your DM is behaving in an annoying way, but threatening to lock her out is just overreacting and casts a shadow on your intentions. Don’t sweat the small stuff; this is not malicious or intended to hurt you, is it? She just wants to (understandably) check in. I think you can tell it’s kinda understandable from the very mixed responses on here. In this scenario, roll with it, when she comes allow her to just be a loving granny.
Good luck for the op, hope your DS is ok

@WutheringBites nicely put.

Im sorry but it seems as thou you and your husband are causing the drama. Its perfectly normal for a grandparent to check in briefly after a younsters has has surgery. If your son has a close relationship with grandmother then it will make your child feel good that grandma came. Stop turning this into something it aint and ask your child if he would like grandma to visit. After all it is him having the surgerg... personally i know my kids would feel a little upset if grandma did not visit. She even used to visit if they had a cut knee at school, poped in on her way home from work a quick hug a kiss on hurt arm or whatever, continue her way home, the child felt like superman. So think of the childs needs and stop being so ridiculous and selfish

Has anyone bothered to ask DS/DGC what HE wants ?

It just seems to be such a 'storm in a teacup' concerning the 'rights' of the parents and grandparents.

I don't imagine the poor child in question has even been asked if they'd like granny to visit the day after the op ? (and if the child was having a more major surgery I'm quite sure the parents would welcome their parents and in- laws to visit while he was recovering in hospital, it would seem very callous if they didn't !)

There's not really any right or wrong in anyones arguement/ opinion, but it's definitely not something to get so hyped up about in my book. I'd rather focus on having the love and support of my loved ones at a stressful time, and not focus on who has 'rights' to visit and when that will be.

There's a thread going at the moment where the OP is complaining that her MIL made no attempt to visit dgc after hospital visit.............

So? Surely individuals decide plans between themselves based on their own wants, needs or circumstances. Presumably in most cases there's respect for wishes either way, which is clearly not the case here.

Has anyone bothered to ask DS/DGC what HE wants ?

That’s the OP’s entire point...

If her DS is up to it and wants his Granny to visit then she and her DH are happy for that.

They’re only objecting to her stance that she’s coming regardless of the child’s condition or wishes.

OP - I would suggest you stop reading the responses now. A lot of posters are giving you are really hard time for trying to do right by your son. As parents you have every right to decide what's best for your DS, even if it means your mum has a sulk about your decision. Remember it is about your DS and not about what grandma wants. She sounds a bit selfish and spoiled to be honest - a decent grandma would say. 'Let me know how DS is after the op and if I can do anything to help'. End of. No demands to visit

Your DP is being unreasonable and if he is the one with the main problem, tell him to tell your mum she can't visit as you are sick of the both of them and want to focus on your child.

@lyralalala, sorry, but I read OP's comment as 'we'll see how he is', which to me means the parents will decide if they think DC is up for visitors. It doesn't say 'we will ask DC if he is up to having visitors', or 'we will ask DC if they want Granny to visit the day after operation'

As I said, there is no right or wrong in anyones viewpoint, I just think the only viewpoint no-one seems to be considering is the DC's. Everyone else's viewpoint (both parents and grandparents and all the mumsnetters ) is secondary really, but that seems to be what this 'storm in a teacup' is concerned with.

Here's my 2p.

1. YANBU, your child, your rules.

2. your mum loves DS which is lovely but she has boundary issues: it's not her place to insist on visiting. No means no.

3. your DH is clearly stressed and worried about DS and he is entitled to want and have that space with him post surgery with no interference from anyone else... give him that.

Get off WhatsApp and call your mum. Tell her there will be no visiting until you say so, it's not that you don't appreciate the concern but you want this time as a family. Period.

Remember, you are saying no to the request, not the person.

If all else fails, book yourself into a Premier Inn: you can have total peace and quiet for 24/48hrs and they do meal deals and kids eat free: 2 birds, one stone.

Just take a laptop/tablet/penstick and DS can lie in a lovely comfy bed and watch movies.. lovely.

Just take snack and paracetamol and you will be well away.

The DC in question is 5 years old - damn straight his parents will decide who if anyone visits him following general anaesthetic! The DC’s views can and should be considered certainly but the ultimate decision surely belongs to his parents.

I say this as someone who could not envision keeping her own DM away following a DC’s surgery, but that’s because I know she would be nothing but helpful and would honour a wish for her to wait if I expressed one. Clearly in OP’s case she does not have that confidence. Or she fears that some undisclosed issue between DM and DP could flare up and escalate tensions when she wants to focus on her DS.

I do think that worrying about the demise of family relationships because one woman has asked her DM to wait for the high sign before visiting a grandson after eye surgery is much more melodramatic than anything the OP has said.

The only drama that I can see is coming from you two. She is as concerned as you are, why wouldn’t she want to know he is ok.

The grandparent doesn't need to see the child, they can just accept the parents' telling them the child is ok.

I was once in the position of OP's child. I'd had surgery, and I didnt like people around me when I felt crap ( still pretty much the same). I had an aunt who insisted on coming to see me, and she was the kind of jovial, loud person who could produce instant fatigue in the person she visited. That visit, although well meaning, made me feel worse.

Visits should be for the benefit of the ill person, and OP's wait and see response is the right thing to do.

Best wishes to your DS, hope the surgery goes well.
Your DH sounds a bit of an arse. He got cross when your DM said she was coming, this was before she said "wild horses wouldn't keep her away".

You mention other family fallouts, are you sure the issue isn't yourselves, making an issue about the oven, which is not even an issue, would indicate this to me

My son had his tonsils out last year and was kept in overnight. My parents came to the hospital to see him that night and brought new toys and a McDonald’s sundae. This is what grandparents do and I couldn’t be happier!

Id hate to be a mum or MIL of most people on mumsnet. They are meant to 'help when needed' and then stay away and say nothing about anything ever

I’m a mum of adult children and a MIL. Without being smug, I have a good relationship with my kids and their partners. Mostly because I do exactly that - help when needed and seldom give any opinions unless asked.

Most of the time my kids know my opinion anyway - after all, I raised them. I find it’s best to save my opinions for when they actually matter, not about trivia.

The exact timing and circumstances of a post surgery Visit is not something I would want to fight with my Dd and SIL about. The wise answer is

“ of course darling, let me know when he’s well enough for me to pop in. Or if there’s anything else I can do to help “.

Not “ I demand my right to come to your home and see your child when I want, regardless of that child’s welfare. Because it’s all about me and my feelings “.

I never knew my grandparents and do navigating them is a tricky one. All I know is that my late mum would never have insisted on seeing my dd after hospital but would have followed my lead and offered our family logistical help if needed. My MIL is a bit more keen on the melodrama and making things about her feelings but even she would be guided by what we, as parents, wanted and needed. She would probably bring a little treat for dd a day or so after and maybe send a card for dd to open just after the procedure when she (dd) was up for it.

These types of allergies can be inherited. Your mum is a medical professional - if you’re not then even if she’s retired she will know a million times more than you or your DH about the first signs of this type of reaction. You and your DP are being ridiculous.

I'm completely on your side here, OP. I can't believe the number of posters who think Granny is being reasonable in stating that she'll visit regardless of what you, DP or DS want.

Have you heard about the circles idea? I'm not sure what it's called. It's concentric circles around one person at the centre. Each circle offers support inwards, and shouldn't expect support to flow outwards.

The person at the centre of this circle, and the most important person, is DS. He's only 5 and obviously has no idea how he'll feel after the surgery. Maybe he'll want to see granny, and maybe he'll want peace and quiet. But that's why OP has said 'lets wait and see'.

The next circle contains OP and her DP. They have a huge amount of stress in their lives at present, and their son is having surgery. Their priority is to support their son (importantly - not to support granny). People in further out circles should be offering them support, not additional stress. This argument is the last thing they need.

Granny's in the next circle out. She's still very close to DS, and there are lots of circles further out than she is. But only after DS, OP and DP, do granny's wishes take priority. Of course she wants to see DS, and no-one is telling her she can't. They're just saying 'please, lets wait and see'. Her saying that she's coming regardless of whether they want her to, is imposing her wishes over those of people in the middle of the circle.