Mum basically demanding to see ds day after surgery

[BillywigSting]

I don't think I am bu, I'm mostly just venting, but bit of backstory.

Ds is having squint surgery next week, a simple surgery and a day case, but I had the same surgery as a child and reacted V V badly to the anesthetic. I would have been kept in overnight, but my mum is a nurse, the hospital staff knew her so I was discharged the same day.

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

I backed him up with a 'we'll see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home' reply.

Dp is furious, because she has basically invited herself to visit him.

This is already a stressful time, we are selling our old house, the company dp works for is being taken over so his job is not 100% secure, I'm starting a new job the week after next and our oven broke a couple of days ago, and we can't get a replacement until the day of the surgery. So we have arranged for it to be delivered two days after in case anything goes wrong.

Every time something like this crops up there is a huge drama and I am sick to death of it.

It's fucking stressful enough your dc going under the knife without having to playing peacemaker between dp and my mum.

Rant over.

@mossmurray no he got cross after the wild horses comment, ie, after we had said wait and see how he is.

The conversation (on Friday) went as follows

Dm: have morning off so can pop in for aan hour or so on 19th [day after op]

Dp: OK thanks, let's just see how he is on the day before we make any plans

Dm: will be popping in to see him even if just briefly, wild horses could not keep me away!

I hadn't seen the conversation at this point, but dp called to say that I needed to check the family chat on WhatsApp. So I did.

My reply: will see how he is, might not be up for visitors, might not even be home! We'll let everyone know when he's ready for them

Dp: we aren't even getting the oven delivered on the 19th in case ds has any problems

Then there is a bit of rambling re the oven that isn't overly relevant

Dm: hopefully he won't have any problems, I will be calling in yet won't stay for too long. After what happened to you dd have to see him

Dp: we will let everyone know if he's up for anyone turning up

(text from dm separate to group chat) dm: have to see him or will go out of my mind!

Me: we'll call either way to let you know, stop panicking he will be perfectly safe

Radio silence after that until Saturday when she took him swimming and it wasn't mentioned at all.

But why drag it out that’s wheee the issue has come from. After her reply and you had said “we will see” then leave it there don’t go rambling on making it a bigger issue and getting all three parties more wound up.

The problem with messages, especially group messages, is too many people don’t know when to put the phone down and walk away. They always have to have the last word

It's the repeatedly ignoring the 'please wait and see if he wants visitors' and saying she will come down. It's obstinate.

The right reply to 'ok thanks, let's just see how he is on the day before we make any plans' isn't wild horses couldn't keep me away it's 'ok, keep me posted and I'll pop in when he's feeling up to it'

Seriously? All this over those watsapp messages you've just posted!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again the problem is your DH over reacting to WhatsApp messages

It's clear your mum is worried esp after your own experiences OP. Cut her some slack. She's your MUM, you only ever get one and you are so so so lucky that ordinarily she's lovely and helpful

Surely just leave it for now fgs and not create anymore bad feeling. If he really is poorly the day after the surgery then just call and say mum you'll have to visit tomorrow instead
There really is no point trying to insist on the whole we will see how he is, toing and froing with messages etc. Your mum isn't hearing that because she's worried. From a place of love and concern

I'm going to ask again..... what if the child has to stay in hospital? At 3pm when it's visiting time is your DH going to stand guard and not let her in?

Your DH has let himself get worked up over a silly wild horses comment. He needs to take a step back from this and stop causing issues between you and your mum.

Honestly this is all such a non issue, how can you even be bothered wasting energy on it esp when you've other important stuff going on??????

I know OP irl and know exactly how DM can be. If she had just said something along the lines of 'yeah no problem, just give me a shout when he's feeling up to having visitors' there would be absolutely no drama over the situation at all. It's her insistence on coming no matter what that is what OP and DP are annoyed with, no her caring about DS

Crafty girl I get that. I do. The granny atm is sticking to her visiting and that's that
The parents are sticking to we'll see how he is
Neither party is hearing each other
Its best just left and no more messages. Messages and texts can be read wrong, tend to drag longer than face to face issues etc
Its the DH being furious and cross and saying he's not going to let granny in. And the OP did say in her first post that she not want to be playing peacemaker between her dm and dh

This is ALL created by the DH reactions. Of he chills everyone else will

This is ALL created by the DH reactions.

...and granny's selfishness.

Apparently her wishes are more important than those of OP/DP/DS. She's been promised a phonecall, and maybe a visit if it suits on the day. But she's intransigent.

I still don't see the DP as the problem here.

...I know posters are going to disagree with my use of the word 'selfish' when granny just wants to know her grandson is safe.

And if OP wasn't offering to let her know how the op went, I would agree.
Or if OP was saying a flat out 'no' to visiting, I would also agree.

But OP isn't doing either of those. Granny on the other hand, is trying to prioritise her 'want' (to physically lay eyes on DS) above DS's possible 'need' (for space and quiet).

'I don’t think he needs to be ‘up to visitors’ for his grandma to see him any more that he does for his mother'.

Grandma is not his mother.

It takes two to create message tennis and in this case the OP should have been allowed the final say and granny should have been the one to graciously back off.

No matter what's 'normal' for anyone else it's really not up to anyone else to decide they know better than the parent/s when it comes to how to handle their son's first day after surgery. Granny might not like it, lots of posters here might not like it - but it's tough titty and digging in your 'i'm doing it weather you like it or not' heels is not the way to do things.

@BillywigSting sorry your op said this

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away'

It looks like he got cross before she replied about the wild horses but anyhow, you asked if YWBU, you obviously don't think you are regardless of the responses so I can't see the point of this thread

Now my mum has sent a message via family WhatsApp to say she will be visiting the day after his surgery. Dp saw this and got quite cross, but said to her we'll see how he is. She replied along the lines of 'I will pop down even if only briefly, wild horses couldn't keep me away

Agreed the anger seemed to be there the second she said she'd pop in? I presume your DH has no issues with her taking DC swimming every week?

I think you are all going into this thinking it’s going to be the same outcome as OP’s operation. It probably won’t, the anaesthesiologist will be made aware of your reaction to the anaesthetic. There’s no reason your son will be the same. The operation and the anaesthetic has changed a lot over the years. DS will likely be fine. You should go into this from the stance that he will be fine and if things change then hold off the visit if needed. Your mum won’t hammer your door down if you refuse to let her in.

I can understand your anxiety over the operation and your mum’s too. I wonder if your husband is trying to control one thing out of all the things that are causing stress at the moment. It certainly sounds like he has over reacted with anger over something that might be good for DS post op. If that’s the case then I’m not sure he’s picked the right thing.

If your mum is normally lovely, helpful and doesn't overstep boundaries then I would assume this must be due to anxiety after what happened to you. You and dh should help her by allowing her to stop by even for a minute. Likely son will be fine and if he is being sick deal with mum at that point.

I am sure your dh is stressed too because he is being very easily offended. Think everyone needs to calm down, accept you are all worried and support each other. If it was your mum posting I would be telling her the same and she should support you by not pushing it, accepting her anxiety over this and not over stepping.

Granny “ doesn’t just want to know that grandchild is safe”.

She has been told that child’s parents will phone or text her to let her know their child is Ok. I assume they will be advised by the fully qualified and experienced doctors who are in charge of the child’s care.

The anaesthetists will be well aware of the child’s family history. Anaesthetics have changed a lot in the last 25 or 30 years. This is not the same situation and Granny needs to stop winding up the child’s parents and making them more anxious. Her anxiety is her problem to solve not theirs.

If granny will “ go out of her mind” if she doesn’t get her own way then she needs psychiatric or psychological help .

The OPs reaction as a child cannot have been life threatening or she would not been discharged home, even if her mother was a nurse. Day surgery for children was not routine 25-30 years ago. I know because I sat on a working group on this subject in the early 1990s.

I get it, OP, it’s enraging. Actually some of the comments you’re getting are enraging too. That Seriously!!!!! The person who said they hoped they’d be allowed to give a grandchild a quick peck on the cheek. Argh, I’m annoyed for you.

Your mum is clearly scared but it’s not right for her to repeatedly tell you she’s coming whether you agree or not. It’s that insistence that makes you want to dig in your heels and say you’ll decide what’s right for your son.

I think maybe it would be better to say “mum, I know you’re worried for him but please don’t say you’re coming regardless. We’re worried too and that doesn’t help.”

Hopefully all will go well and when you’re past this surgery you can tell her it caused you some extra anxiety at a difficult time to have her insist she’d be coming.

When you say "let's see how he is" before any visitors......that's fine and perfectly the right thing to say to everyone else. But with a grandparent who is close to the child surely that rule doesn't apply. She isn't going to be the typical visitor who comes. More like a concerned parent who wants assurance he's ok.

I can't understand your DP getting so annoyed. If she's an important part of your ds's life, a visit from his grandmother, can't do him any harm from seeing her. In fact I'd say it'd do more good than harm.

Good grief🙄

The problem is NOT the parents advocating for their child’s needs in the privacy of their home, the problem is definitely pushy mum not hearing that she has not been invited, is putting her wants over the patients needs, and generally being a boundary stomping nightmare.

Her attendance isn’t crucial to your child’s recovery. I am astounded at everyone who says let her have her own way. No. Just no.🙄

What a fucking ridiculous hill to choose to die on.

Surgery to correct a splint is quick and minor.

Whereas we all have our hearts in our mouths when our children have medical procedures and especially a GA, the highly-strungness around this is quite high.

I suppose some people look in the bright side: a loved medically experienced grandma will be a welcome distraction for a child off school.

Someone said it’s a ridiculous hill to die on.

It’s not.

If you can’t be respected as a parent of a child undergoing a medical procedure then when!

If you don’t set and enforce boundaries, if you don’t get to see who’s reasonable and who’s not at respecting those boundaries, you are setting yourself and your family up for a life time of problems. What happens when your child says ‘no grandma, I’m not comfortable doing xyz” and grandma dismisses child’s wishes, just as she is dismissing adults polite boundaries? Way to teach someone they aren’t heard, respected, important etc. Way to teach them it’s ok for others to treat them as “less than”. And this wasn’t even a black and white “no”. She was asked to wait and see, but didn’t have the sense to say ok.. she just stomped straight through that polite request and told them ‘you can’t stop me, I do what I want”.

Yet some people think the parents are unreasonable SMH 🙄😒

Yet some people think the parents are unreasonable SMH
That's because some of us think they are. My DH would never had made such a fuss if that was my mum. He realised how much she loved our kids and even if she did something like this he'd make allowances for her. We're only human, it's about tolerance.

Honestly if my mum was a nurse and wanted to check in the day after my child had a surgery i'd be pretty happy with that, especially if I was concerned my kid would react to something. It would actually bring me peace of mind. That's given that there is no back story.

But my MIL on the other hand, who has a habit of demanding DH pick her up, expecting me to cook for her and then demanding my DH take her shopping for a 'get well' gift, essentially making the day all about her instead of our child, I wouldn't be happy with. Which is why I am now extremely LC with her (along with a spade of other reasons).

I had a point. I think it depends on the person and their intentions. Maybe your mum, as a grandma and a nurse, just wants to make sure everything's ok?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You don't have to have anyone visit you in your home unless you want them there. You have the right to say no, not that day and to not feel guilty about holding the line. Your mum can come a few days after the surgery, there's no god given right to descend like some kind of angel of sodding mercy, just cos she's granny and a nurse.

I don't understand why her popping in to see him the next day would be a problem. Unless I am missing something major. Is your son close to her? She is probably worried about him and just wants to see for herself he is OK.