To ask why some women don't attempt breastfeeding?

[Lottle]

Just being nosy. Perhaps too nosy....

Just wondered why some mums don't give breastfeeding a try. I totally get why people may not do it for long, just curious as to why some don't try at all.

One friend happened to mention (I didn't ask) "it wasn't for me" but I wasn't sure what that meant but of course I didn't probe, so probing you lot instead. Don't know if it's too cheeky to ask though!

jenny but as people on MN like to point out, it's only a tiny amount of people who can not physically BF, so it was still a choice to use cows milk, unless all the women couldn't physically do it.

Its been the same argument for years, i just dont think its right to paint a picture of silly women believing formula companies. Most people know breast is best. Well i certainly did even after i decided to stop BF.

I don't think the babies will remember Ruck so you can feel sorry for them if you want but it's kind of pointless
No, babies don't remember x2boys
...but they do learn, and are a product of their early experiences...

I actually kind of feel sorry for babies who aren't breastfed

I kind of agree with this (in the full knowledge I’m going to get a pasting).

I feel it’s a nicer experience for them and makes their babyhood more pleasant (regardless of the health benefits or whether they remember).

However I’m sure others feel sorry for my babies/children for parenting choices I’ve made, so it all evens out.

Baby was prem and no suck reflex till later. I expressed for 8 weeks and it nearly killed me as she was home with me after 2 weeks so was doing rounds of 4 hrly feeds, expressing for a long time and no sleep at all for the most part. Crashed at 8 weeks slept for 24 hrs straight while Mum was visiting and we switched to formula was much better all round

I didn’t want to and had made my decision even before he was born.

My choice, my business, despite the efforts of the nurses on the post natal ward to try and persuade me otherwise. They were given short shrift too!

I didn't think it was fair on DS to start BF and then stop when I had to go back to uni. I preferred to avoid the nipple confusion completely and start as I meant to go on

@TruthOnTrial The mothers at greatest risk of PND are those who try to breastfeed and give up because it is too difficult/not working.

I breastfed DD for two years, and had always planned to breastfeed, but every feed for the first few weeks made me feel physically nauseous, like I had felt with hyperemisis when pregnant. Like a pp I was determined to continue with bf because I couldn't be arsed washing and sterilising millions of bottles, I saw breastfeeding as the easy option.

Why do people have to get so defensive though? If you think your reason is valid, then why all the “HTH” and snippy comments and obsession with being judged.

It’s a simple question “why didn’t you want to breastfeed?”
I don’t know why people can’t just give a simple answer without protesting so much.

I wish more people had told me it was ok not to want to, without the defensive comments. No-one can look at my kids and work out which one I bottle fed, but the memory of the PND it caused is still there 20 years later 😕.

YABU...... because they don't want to, they don't have to..... let's take away this stigma and let women do whatever they choose with their babies.

Thoughts and judgements like this are not needed anymore! Let's all be supportive!

Research doesnt suggest that breastfeeding helps with PND per se, rather that women who wanted to bf and couldn't are more likely to suffer with it. This makes sense, as it's going to be more common when there's a lack of support and/or complications.

It's the people who don't even try and just say "I don't want to" that the op is querying. And a lot of the replies didn't expand on that.

Not saying that's true of everyone here who has said it but I would always have said to random strangers that I don't want to. I mean that's exactly what I said to the consultant I saw in my 2nd pregnancy the first time she mentioned it. I was going to be having an elective and she assumed that I'd want to feed on the operating table.

It was only about the 4th she asked, I burst into tears and said since being raped I can't bear anyone touching my breasts and feeding dc1 for 3 months almost killed me because it was so disgusting and triggering and repulsive and I'm terrified that I'll feel the same way this time. That instead of making me bond with him I loathed him, that I reached the point where I'd ignore him crying for food because I needed another minute without having to put him to the breast and that guilt still cuts me like a knife, that it ended up feeling that he was literally consuming me with every gulp of milk and I hated him and myself for feeling for like that. For being so weak that I couldn't work past my feelings, couldn't separate the 2 acts even when I was staring at my baby.

I ended up crying in her arms.

Sometimes explaining yourself is hard, especially when you don't think you'll be met with support or understanding.

Didnt women pre formula or if they couldn't afford it use cows milk/dried milk/wean early. So it's always been a choice some women have made, rather than breast feeding (not suggesting they beat BM obviously)
You can’t really frame this as a choice. Pre formula you either breast fed your baby, got someelse to breast feed your baby or watched while your baby died.
Baby’s don’t die from ‘failure to thrive’ these days because we have formula.

It's perfectly OK to ask, as a matter of fact, it's an educated thing to do, but inevitably, some can't help but judge and consider they know better. The whole 'I feel sorry for the babies' makes me laugh, I personally feel sorry for babies who are stuck with such a judgmental mothers.

I still maintain that if I were to present you with a bunch of three year olds, ten year olds, GCSE students, thirty year olds etc etc, you'd have absolutely no idea which ones were breastfed and which were not.

I dont really think this is relevant as it is all individual differences. Breastfeeding reduces (for example) an individual's risk of obesity. That doesnt mean you could line up all kids and say "these ones weren't breastfed because they're obese". But for some children it could make a difference and it's only relevant on a case by case basis. Maybe one of the average weight children would have been obese if not breastfed, but there is no way to possibly know.

Dinosaur I just find it so awful that women openly comment negatively on one another’s choices, especially when with BF you can’t just ‘turn it back on’ if it hasn’t established or continued for whatever reason, choice or circumstance.

I had one person ask very judgementally why I didn’t “just breastfeed for longer” when it turned out my DD was allergic to formula milk. Erm because she was failing to thrive because my tits didn’t work in spite of all of my efforts...

Then on the flip side lots of wincing that subsequent DC is still breast fed at nearly two.

You literally can’t win.

I think a lot of people aren't prepared for how tough it can be in first few weeks. My daughter wouldn't latch and feed properly till 12 weeks so I pumped exclusively for 12 weeks. It was bloody tough but I was really determined to breastfeed. Formula would have been easier then but now she can feed easily and efficiently (five months now) it certainly wouldn't be so I'm glad we persevered as it seems a faff now for my friends with formula fed babies (and we are always way too disorganised to prepare bottles for trips out!). But I wouldn't have persevered if I hadn't been so determined that I would breastfeed. Formula wasn't really an option I wanted to do if I could at all help it, but I completely understand why other people would switch.

I don't understand not trying it at all, but I accept that people have their own reasons and it's not for me to understand or not as it's not my business.

It's the people who don't even try and just say "I don't want to" that the op is querying. And a lot of the replies didn't expand on that.
No one owes you or anyone else an explanation though.

Because I didn't want to be one of those mothers who end up feeling depressed and like a failure because they aren't breastfeeding perfectly

I didn't want my baby to be loosing weight and ending up in hospital because I was adamant I wouldn't let formula pass his lips

I didn't want to feel embarrassed and awkward in public and end up in a downward spiral of not going out and being careful to cover myself up and cringe when baby cried for a feed

I didn't want to be crying in pain each time I had to feed my child

I didn't want to be the sole feeder/carer/comfort for my baby because I knew it would be extremely damaging to my own mental health which meant I would struggle massively to look after myself and my baby properly

I didn't want to spend every second not moving from the couch in case baby cried and I had to whip my boobs out

I didn't want to just be a mum. I didn't want to be in a bubble where it was just me and my baby, I wanted to live my life and carry on being me as well as being a mum

I wanted to watch my partner be a dad to our child, I didn't want to have to take baby back off him because the baby would only settle for mum and boob.

Still EBF and DD over a year old. Can't say it's been enjoyable and many times I wished I'd combo fed. She wont take a bottle which means I'm on constant standby and can't be away for more than 3 hours. Her sleep is awful, waking up every 20 minutes at times. I'm going to preserve because I genuinely believe it's what's best for her BUT if I was to do it again I'd definitely give formula too.

Breast feeding is really tough, without the right support at the start I think it would be easy to give up. It took days for my son to breastfeed properly, but as I was in hospital for a while I had lots of assistance (or should I call that insistence) from midwives. If I hadn't been there I would have probably given up due to worrying he wasn't getting enough milk.

I BF one out of three, the last one.

My first baby I was 19 and my two older sisters had had babies in the previous 6 months, they bottle fed so I just did as they did.

My second DC I just did what I had done before. BF wasn't really pushed then either.

Last Dc I was a fair bit older and wiser, I made my own choice and I loved it but the first few months were hell on earth.

Because it can be exhausting, inconvenient, messy, restrictive, and painful

Apart from painful, I'm pretty sure that's a description of formula, not breastfeeding.

Culturally, the UK is a nation of formula feeders, so there's a lot of "well, I'll try and breastfeed, but I'll get some bottles and formula in just in case". If you're expecting to fail, it's not surprising when you do.

Family also plays a big part. There are so many partners and grandparents who feel "left out" that they can't "bond" with the baby if the mother is breastfeeding. Like there's no other way to bond with a baby.

Mental health issues aside, I think a lot of people who don't even try just don't consider it because everyone around them went straight to formula (or had a terrible experience with breastfeeding, then switched) so they never get to see or hear about the positives.

not sure exactly what support they want!

I’ve breastfed 3 babies and can tell you what support I needed...

• when my second baby didn’t latch properly to the extent that I ended up in intensive care with sepsis that was a result of mastitis, I needed help and support to correct the latch
• when my first baby cluster fed from 6pm- midnight every night for months I needed my husband’s support to take over with cooking/housework etc as I was tied to the sofa
• when my third baby had a tongue tie I needed the support of the midwife to refer for a correction, and her further support to get him latching afterwards
• when I was exhausted and on the verge of giving up with all three I needed the support of my family to keep going.

I also used breastfeeding cafes and support lines with all three. Not everyone finds it straightforward and some people do need support.

Speaking as someone who doesnt give a fuck, there is defensiveness because it's about women's bodies and childrearing and thus politicised. That's just how it is. It's a shame, but unfortunately one can't wish the context away.