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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dm and childcare

158 replies

Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 19:41

I have 2 young dc. My only option for child care is dm who has a very busy life style. She looks after them so me and dh can spend time alone when she can (occasionally overnight). Sometimes this is once a fortnight, other times it might be 3 weeks in between and when she’s really busy over a month. I’m really grateful whenever she does this and we always wait until she offers unless there is a specific event coming up that we would like to go to such as a friends birthday/wedding.

Recently one of her friends has been suggesting we are taking advantage of her and has been encouraging her to say no to us (not that she does say no to us as we wait until childcare is offered). Also said I shouldn’t be palming my kids off at their ages (under 5s) and it’s strange that I don’t want to be with them all the time. I know all of this because Dsf told me although obviously wasn’t meant to as dm shot him a look.

It’s made me feel really shitty. Like she’s suggesting I’m a bad mum and don’t spend enough time with my kids? I’m a sahm by choice so am with them all the time! But I feel a bit judged now. Aibu to be away from them this often? How often do others have child free nights?

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 04/07/2019 19:44

I try for once a month to have an evening free. I always ask DM or MIL if I need to work an additional day also.
I don’t see it as taking the piss, they usually say yes unless something has already been booked.
From my observation, GP usually like looking after their GC as many of them didn’t really have a chance to spend that much time with their own kids

MamaNewtNewt · 04/07/2019 19:46

I don't think the frequency sounds excessive at all and like you say you generally wait until your DM offers. All parents need a break and sounds like you have a reasonable balance.

Try not to take it to heart as it really is none of her friends's business and she sounds a bit interfering and rude.

We are the same as you and rely on parents and in laws. We don't get out as often as we like as we aren't in the same town but if we were we would probably go out together, with the need for a babysitter, every 2 to 3 weeks.

MyOpinionIsValid · 04/07/2019 19:50

I fond other people most bizarre when it comes to children. It's certainly a western ideal that you don't let anyone else near them until they are 25 and martyr yourself in the process.

In most other cultures, child rearing is a community effort. As is looking after and respecting the elderly.

bridgetreilly · 04/07/2019 19:59

It's only a problem if your mother thinks it's a problem. If she doesn't want to have them so much, or if she doesn't want both at the same time, or whatever, she needs to say so. But if she enjoys looking after her grandchildren and she wants to help you out, why shouldn't she?

Number3or4 · 04/07/2019 20:00

Do what you are both happy with. Other people opinions are irrelevant. If dm wants to develop a close relationship with her dc, why stop it?

ButterflyWitch · 04/07/2019 20:04

I think your DM has them loads! Mine has never had my kids overnight or even babysat for us to have a night out (in 6y). Regardless, a PP had it when she said it’s only a problem if your DM feels that it’s a problem

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2019 20:05

As long as she's happy then it's fine.
It isn't your 'only option' for childcare however, as you could pay a babysitter.

herculepoirot2 · 04/07/2019 20:06

Provided your DM is offering and is happy, it is nobody else’s business.

Nearlythere1 · 04/07/2019 20:06

It's bit much to need time off from your kids once a fortnight. You're not entitled to it, you're their parents. I find it bizarre.

Phineyj · 04/07/2019 20:07

I think you are rather lucky (we have had two nights away from our DD is 6 years, once with a friend looking after her and once my mum beacause we both had to work) but it's none of the friend's business, unless your mum is the people pleaser type who wants to say no but can't. But then she shouldn't offer. She is possibly letting off steam to the friend about nappies and disturbed nights etc.

LoisLittsLover · 04/07/2019 20:09

My parents have dd for 1 day and 2 half days per week while i work. They also do weekend/overnights if we need - about every 8 weeks. They would be heartbroken if it was reduced

chamenanged · 04/07/2019 20:11

It's bit much to need time off from your kids once a fortnight. You're not entitled to it, you're their parents. I find it bizarre.

She didn't say she needed it or was entitled to it Hmm

OP it's absolutely fine. Your SF is a dickhead for telling you that too.

Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:12

Very true - not our own option. But not comfortable paying for childcare and would rather not have childcare at all.

Butterflywitch - I didn’t think it was “loads” but now I’m seeing it probably is from others perspective. Maybe it’s because when I was young we stayed at Dgp frequently so it’s the norm for me. Also Dh nan used to have him over night every other weekend.

OP posts:
flowery · 04/07/2019 20:13

If your mum’s friend feels she is being taken advantage of then I would want to be very very sure your mum actively wants to do this for you, rather than feeling she ought to or anything like that.

Every fortnight is very frequent. If she wants to have the DC and you use the opportunity to go out with your DH, that’s one thing. But if she’s busy and is having two young DC overnight regularly, as a favour to you rather than for her benefit, maybe step it down a bit? You don’t need time off from them that often, if it involves relying on one person who is already busy.

Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:16

Nearlythere I don’t need time off from them - I like to have time alone with dh to go to cinema/go for a drink/eat out. The kids are usually in bed unless dm has specifically requested to have them during the day to spend time with them so we don’t miss out on them at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:19

Flowery - just to clarify the aibu was not about putting my mum out it was about time spent away from my kids. Like I said she always offers. Also if you go back and read it’s not every fortnight but there can be as little as two weeks in between her looking after them or sometimes over a month as she’s fairly busy.

OP posts:
JustMe9 · 04/07/2019 20:24

Wow that is a lot of time off your children!! I have only got one 2 year old and in the last two years I havent had a single night off him lol We had a couple of short days/evenings when someone was taking care of the baby but not not over night. (My parents and DH parents all live in another country - hence Im jealous of people who have grandparents around the corner lol) Recently we both took day off work while our son was in nursery and spent the day together and that is it - literally just 1 day in two years lol This post is now making me upset....

flowery · 04/07/2019 20:24

Whatever. YANBU to be away from your kids that often. Fine.

But if I became aware that a friend of my mum’s was concerned enough about her to mention it, I’d take that seriously. Your mum’s friend is looking out for her, and if she thinks your mum is being taken advantage of, presumably there is a reason for that, or might be.

AppleTartlet · 04/07/2019 20:25

Twice a month is loads more than most parents manage to get a night off. I think you're really very fortunate that you have parents to call on in an emergency let alone have a night alone so regularly. It all depends whether DM is happy to, and enjoys it. Would she say if she isn't?

thedevondumpling · 04/07/2019 20:27

Families vary, I spent loads of time with my gran when I was a child, in the summer holidays my mum would come to visit me sometimes. My kids were the same with my mum and my GC are the same with me, they are as likely to get off the school bus and come to me as go home, they probably stay every other weekend from Friday to Sunday. Seems normal, and nice, to me but I have friends who think I do too much, am taken advantage of. I don't care what they think it is how my family is and it works for us.

To be fair their mum has had some health problems and when they were younger it was really useful that they felt at home with me as I had them while mum was in hospital/recovering. It can be a very positive thing for children to have a second home.

Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:29

JustMe - sorry that the post has upset you. I genuinely do feel grateful and lucky that we have childcare so readily available and appreciate that a lot of people don’t.

Flowery - I also care about my mum and look air for her. If I thought it was even slightly an issue for her I’d stop accepting the offer of childcare. But I genuinely don’t and she loves having them. I also do a lot for my mum in return.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 04/07/2019 20:30

Can you talk to your Mum and check shes OK with this?.,If your SF was telling you ,and Mum wasnt too happy ,maybe shes complained to them that she might be struggling a bit?.2 young DC to look after O/N, is probably quite a bit for her TBH. GC are different to look after than your own DC ,and if she is working as well she may find it a bit much!.Can she maybe look after them for an evening?.or maybe just have the older one O/N?

Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:30

Appletartlet yes dm would definitely say if she wasn’t

OP posts:
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 04/07/2019 20:30

Your DM would surely say if you we're taking the piss?

I'm just envious. My parents are dead and we only have DH's elderly mum who doesn't drive so I reckon we get a child free night ooh, once a year if we're lucky. This year DH and I haven't actually had one night together as a couple. We usually average about 3 nights out together a year so we're not doing well. DC are 7 and almost 11 btw

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/07/2019 20:32

It’s sounds like you were told on purpose. I think that’s a huge amount of childcare for someone who is busy. I’d not want to leave mine that often to go out, work is different.