About dm and childcare

[Oilyskinproblems]

I have 2 young dc. My only option for child care is dm who has a very busy life style. She looks after them so me and dh can spend time alone when she can (occasionally overnight). Sometimes this is once a fortnight, other times it might be 3 weeks in between and when she’s really busy over a month. I’m really grateful whenever she does this and we always wait until she offers unless there is a specific event coming up that we would like to go to such as a friends birthday/wedding.

Recently one of her friends has been suggesting we are taking advantage of her and has been encouraging her to say no to us (not that she does say no to us as we wait until childcare is offered). Also said I shouldn’t be palming my kids off at their ages (under 5s) and it’s strange that I don’t want to be with them all the time. I know all of this because Dsf told me although obviously wasn’t meant to as dm shot him a look.

It’s made me feel really shitty. Like she’s suggesting I’m a bad mum and don’t spend enough time with my kids? I’m a sahm by choice so am with them all the time! But I feel a bit judged now. Aibu to be away from them this often? How often do others have child free nights?

Floraloctopus - we don’t ask regularly just accept when offered (although we don’t always accept) or we ask in a rare occasion such as a wedding.

I had a babysitter twice a year, once for our anniversary and once for the Christmas do. I never lived near family as EXh was in the Forces, he often spent up to 9 months a year away so i was on my own with 3 children and done everything on my own. It was my choice to have children and my job to look after them, i knew before i got pregnant that my social life would be a distant memory just like sleep or a peaceful 2 minutes to have a cuppa( or even a wee in peace
) My Mum had raised her family it was time for her to lead a life not look after my brood. OP if your Mum is happy to have them fine have the occasional night off but maybe she has told you about this "friend" because is fed up ?

As well as paying for babysitters (even if using an agency like Sitters, you can request specific ones) you can do swaps with friends with similarly aged children or go on separate nights out/go for lunch in the daytime once in a while when DC are at nursery or school. We generally have to use paid babysitters but tbh I find there aren't very many nights out that feel worth the £40 surcharge on what the night out already costs! Plus I can't stand having a hangover and dealing with a 6 yo early in the morning.

I just came back to say that we don't ask my DM except in unusual circumstances, because she has her other DGC to stay a lot and my DSis seems rather oblivious to all the extra bed making and catering involved. So I don't want to add to the workload.

Overall however, YANBU as if I had what you have on offer, I'd take it!!

Also your mum's friend would obviously like her to offer to help her with babysitting...

You’re very lucky but YANBU! as long as you are all happy it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

It just occurred to me that your mum's friend may be jealous as she was hoping to rope your mum in to looking after her kids.

I should ask your mum how she feels. Say you were worried as you definitely don’t want to take advantage. She’s your mum and you can talk to her. As a grandmother myself I helped my daughter a lot with the children and at times it was a little inconvenient but I never resented it. Most of this was because my daughter had to work and juggle things. As a result I built up a really close and loving relationship with dgch which has lasted as they grew up.

I have two children, a 5 year old and a one who will be 2 in a few months.

My 5 year old probably had his first sleepover with a grandparent when he was 3ish - before that age I didn't feel ready for him to be away from home overnight.

My almost 2 year old has never had a sleepover and I can't imagine it happening anytime soon.

My FIL lives on the same street as us and in 5+ years he has never asked/offered to have a sleepover.

My mum lived about 30 minutes away and has had my 5 year old overnight about 3-4 times when I have asked if she could (for various reasons). She has never asked/offered off her own back though.

My dad also lives about 30 minutes away and has my eldest son for a sleepover about once every 3 months, which he (my dad) asks for.

Even though my FIL and my mum have never asked/offered a sleepover I know without a doubt that if we needed them to help out in special circumstances then they would.

Mumsnet is very odd about extended family. Your Mum probably enjoys having the kids, after all she is offering. It is none of her friends business. I wonder if her friend is jealous because her own family relationships are difficult? Does she dislike your Mum being unavailable? Check with your Mum that it isn't too much. I think your Mum would be upset if you stopped it.

You are not asking her to help, you’re waiting for her to offer. It’s not as if you’re ‘palming your children off’ every weekend so you can go out getting pissed.

She likes to spend time with her GC which is great. I don’t think you’re taking the piss whatsoever.

This post is bonkers. There's another current post whereby the sahm is saying she has had enough of being at home with her kids 24/7 and lots of ppl are offering support - 'I couldn't do it, you need to get them into a childcare and get a p/t job'.

And here's another sahm who is lucky enough to enjoy what probably amounts to less than 7 hours away from her kids per month and she gets told its too much

I think it's because the grandparents are helping Bottom. Odd attitude towards grandparents on MN. Also jealousy because it's free help. No understanding that many grandparents enjoy looking after grandchildren.

Personally I think she has them a lot! My mum looks aftermy kids for 2hrs per week (one after school pick up) and maybe has them to stay once every few months.

It’s not a problem, if your mum doesn’t think it is. And as you almost always wait until she offers, I think her friend sounds batshit.

I am very jealous, I wish we had parents who want to be as involved as yours are.

Last time my MIL had my children overnight, I was in labour.

I'd love to have more time with DH too, I do feel our relationship is more strained now as we don't have time to appreciate each other.

There's a weird attitude to mothers helping their daughters in this thread 😒 My sister lived in NY when her son was little, and sent him home to my mother every summer to get him out of the heat of NY. My mother and father loved it, my nephew loved it. I've accepted that neither of my daughters want to have children, but I would have enjoyed having grandchildren for overnight stays. The fact that some people think looking after a grandchild once every three weeks is a lot, is kind of sad.

Had a quick skim through and some very sad views being aired on this thread. Why would anyone think it was odd or bizarre that a grandmother actually seems to LIKE her grandchildren enough to spend time looking after them once a fortnight or so, and shamefully helping her own daughter to have some time to nurture her marriage or relax or whatever too? What a scandalous tale of exploitation!
OP, you love your mum and help her, your mum loves your family and helps you, I’m sure your children love their granny time also - everyone else can keep their petty judgment to themselves IMO.

Its perfectly fine, I work all week and the children are at nursery and they still stay at their grandparents house overnight once or twice a week. Not because they have to be, but because their grandparents adore them and they love going because they get spoilt.
I love that my children have such a fabulous relationship with their grandparents.
It sounds to be like the friend is jealous of your mums close relationship with her grandchildren. Maybe she doesn't have any or rarely gets to see them.
Good, caring grandparents are an amazing addition to any childs life.

I had to rely on other mums (we had a babysitting circle) if we wanted to go out as a couple. But my children's grandparents lived 100 and 150 miles away! Had they been local I know they'd have loved to babysit once or twice a month, and possibly been upset if I'd not asked them to.

I'm very anti taking grandparents for granted for childcare (especially daytime work related regular care) but it doesn't sound at all like that's what's happening here, OP.

If you and your Mum are happy it's really nobody elses business.

Everyone is different. We have twins and they are 8, they've never been babysat. We live in a different country to both my and DH's family, so that might be why but even then I don't honestly think it makes so much of a difference. SIL on the other hand needed MIL to have DN a few times a week from birth, they were happy with that. It really depends on the people.

It sounds normal to me.

I'm WC, though

I'm a similar age to your Mum and help out a bit more. I'd like not to, but then because I've always been hands on, i miss my GC when i don't have them for a few days.

I'm guilty of having a moan, but I'm conscious of it, so try not to.

I think that's what your Mum's done. Had a moan to a friend/partner and it's been taken on board.

My Grandchildren are under five and my DD's had mini breaks. As well as nights out, shopping days, going the gym.

As long as you aren't putting on anyone else, there isn't one answer about being away from your children. A Parents childfree time, idealy, shouldn't just be to work.

Planning babies with a view that other people will mind them, when little, is a different matter. But not your situation.

Just to add, Grandchildren do keep you young and active. The relationships are stronger as you age.

There are positives which are overlooked.

OP, if you and your mum are both happy with it, please don't worry that it's 'too much'. My family sound a bit like yours, with the exception that my parents are 80 miles away. From when I first had the DS1, they have always travelled to see us (or us to them) every 2 weeks or so. Quite often DH and I would come home and leave the kids up there for a night, meeting half way to get the kids back the next day.

The kids love the close relationship with their GPs the regular contact has given them and the GPs love having them. My mum still asks when she can have the kids each school holiday, even now they are all teenagers (DS1 is 17). DCs still like going to see their GPs for a few days at a time. They get on well with them, know they will be fed extremely well, and be taken places to do or try things they wouldn't do at home. GPs have always looked after them regularly (almost since birth!), and have taken them on holiday without us quite a few times over the years from being very young (about 3?), right up to early teenage.

I'm under no illusions that we are really lucky in this, but like OPs mum, it's only as much as they (or we) want. They ask to have the kids because they spending time with them. I say yes because I like the close relationship it has given them, and because it's nice to have a bit of peace and quiet sometimes! The kids say yes because they want to go. So OP, if your mum, like mine, is genuinely happy to have your DCs, don't worry about her and let her and them enjoy their time together.

But I genuinely don’t and she loves having them. I also do a lot for my mum in return.

You don't have to justify your reasons to me, you posted on AIBU to ask if you are being U and I replied to say you are. It's up to you!

Floral octopus - this was posted in response to a different user...unless you’re the same person....is this is a nc fail?

Op it sounds to me like DMs friend is jealous. I'd be tempted to say to DM "How strange that your interfering witch friend thinks you look after DGC too much. I suppose some families just aren't as close as we are".

FWIW I don't think your DM looks after you children that much, a few hours every 2-3weeks whilst they're asleep.