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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About dm and childcare

158 replies

Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 19:41

I have 2 young dc. My only option for child care is dm who has a very busy life style. She looks after them so me and dh can spend time alone when she can (occasionally overnight). Sometimes this is once a fortnight, other times it might be 3 weeks in between and when she’s really busy over a month. I’m really grateful whenever she does this and we always wait until she offers unless there is a specific event coming up that we would like to go to such as a friends birthday/wedding.

Recently one of her friends has been suggesting we are taking advantage of her and has been encouraging her to say no to us (not that she does say no to us as we wait until childcare is offered). Also said I shouldn’t be palming my kids off at their ages (under 5s) and it’s strange that I don’t want to be with them all the time. I know all of this because Dsf told me although obviously wasn’t meant to as dm shot him a look.

It’s made me feel really shitty. Like she’s suggesting I’m a bad mum and don’t spend enough time with my kids? I’m a sahm by choice so am with them all the time! But I feel a bit judged now. Aibu to be away from them this often? How often do others have child free nights?

OP posts:

Yeahnahmum · 05/07/2019 01:15

What is with all these martyrs here being all "omg you are getting so much time off " "you are so lucky " " i only had 2 nights off in 2 years"

stop whinging about boohoo poor me...
If you want more time off your kids arrange for it to happen.

I think op that there is nothing wrong with what you do. A healthy marriage needs a bit of a break from kids as well and be husband and wife instead of only being mum and dad. You should ignore the person who told your dm. It is only a problem when your dm thinks it is.

Lima45 · 05/07/2019 01:16

My mum has my daughter at least once a week. She wanted loads.of kids but was only able to have two. My daughter is her only GC, and it's looking likely to stay that way.

I thought it was tiring her out so I cut it down to once a fortnight and she went mental at me. They're very close, so now they have a weekly "sleepover" on whichever night mum wants it.

Mil lives quite a way away, but whenever we go to visit she always wants DD to stay with them rather than with us at the hotel as well.

I was with my nan at least once a week. So was the norm for me growing up. Same for DP. I think we both come from families who believe that it takes a village to raise a child.

And one of my mum's friends took me aside and told me I took advantage of her, she was tired etc, when I questioned my mum she went mental at her friend. Turns out she was using DD as an excuse to not go out as her friend is a nightmare when she's had a drink and mum was sick of her.

They're not friends anymore...

HappyLoneParentDay · 05/07/2019 01:19

My Mum has my 4yr old overnight every Saturday night. Sounds like you need to have a word with this friend of your Mums.

What did your Mum say about it? Was DSF telling you about it as a way of dropping a hint do you think?

Weezol · 05/07/2019 01:30

DMs friend is a lot younger than her and struggles to get childcare so her and her dh take it in turns to look after the children.

That's your answer right there. Misery loves company and all that.

Let it go. And since when does the odd night with GPs qualify a childcare? It's called being a family!

I'm from one of the ethnic groups mentioned by a PP and I find the whole 'oh we've never had night apart in 15 years' mind boggling.

Original poster

Oilyskinproblems · 05/07/2019 06:09

Nancydrawn - I really don’t want to leave my kids with someone I don’t know. I’m aware that that’s my problem and I should really get over it but that’s the way I feel.

My mum is early 50s fit and active - runs marathons and no health issues

Difficult situation19 - we aren’t working class. I don’t think there’s a link.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 05/07/2019 06:16

It does sound quite a lot if I’m honest. Could your mum have off loaded to the friend, maybe saying she’s tired of “not again” type thing for her to make such a comment?

How old is your mum and your DC? If your mum is genuinely happy to babysit/have them so often and she’s the one offering I think it’s probably nothing to worry about.

Settlersofcatan · 05/07/2019 06:17

I think you're very lucky. We don't have grandparents who are able/willing to do that.

We pay for babysitters instead which works fine for evenings out but is cost prohibitive/unsuitable for overnights.

My SIL sometimes talks about how she could never leave her baby with a babysitter but her mum has already had their now 12 month old for several overnights! Pretty easy to say you aren't comfortable with babysitters when you can go away for a weekend without needing to use one...

I suppose what I would say is that you should be more appreciative/thankful - it sounded initially like you took it as read that you would get this from your mum. And I would explore some paid babysitters to give you more options - we don't use anyone we don't know, we got to know a couple of qualified and experienced local women and only use them.

NoSauce · 05/07/2019 06:20

Please don’t hate me for this, and as a disclaimer I know there are always going to be exceptions, but has anyone else observed that time spent with grandparents is often a social class thing? As in it seems to be the norm for children from more working class families to spend a lot more time staying with grandparents than kids from better off families do? And that this happens from earlier on, and families seem closer

I do agree with this observation, yes. They often live near each other making it easier for them to drop in and out of each other’s houses.

Settlersofcatan · 05/07/2019 06:22

I think correlated with the class thing is age and energy levels of grandparents

Original poster

Oilyskinproblems · 05/07/2019 06:34

Settlersofcatan - I am appreciative. I don’t know how puce made the assumption that I’m not? Don’t know where that’s come from. Maybe read the thread in full? Also as I said I will not get a babysitter. I don’t feel comfortable leave dc with people I don’t know. Yes I’m lucky that I don’t have to.

I think rather than a class thing it’s more to do with living close together. We live 10 mins away from dm and me and the kids see her almost every day.

OP posts:

cocomelon23 · 05/07/2019 06:51

That's loads for me. My ds is 9.5 and my parents have had him once or twice and never overnight.

boosterrooster · 05/07/2019 06:56

It doesn't seem like an awful lot of time and it seems like your mum wants to spend the time with the kids. If your mum is happy with the arrangement then there's no issue. Have a chat with her and just make sure she is ok.

My DM helps with childcare while I am at work, 2 afternoons per week (6 hours p/w in total) so I tend not to ask her for anything more than that as she has 6 other DGC and likes to help out with them all.

Different strokes, different folks.... Like you, my DGM stayed with us a lot growing up and babysat while my parents went out and used to stay with us for 2 weeks in the summer while my parents went on a 2 week sun holiday on their own! We'd be annihilated on here if we said we did that lol

Thehop · 05/07/2019 07:00

My mum wouldn’t even have my kids on our wedding night (we had to come home with all 4!) and we’ve never had a night without ours so I’m just jealous!

mondaybluesgoaway · 05/07/2019 07:01

My mum has our toddler one afternoon a week while I am at work (5 hours). She has had him overnight once since he was born- a childfree wedding. She will be having him in January next year overnight for a wedding.
It would be nice to have more childfree time- but I feel lucky she looks after him one afternoon a week, and it does tire her out so I wouldn't ask for her to do more unless unavoidable.
DH's parents would have him during the day but they don't live nearby. We were discussing going over on a sunday and leaving him there and going to the cinema or something. It is just a lot of effort though so we probably won't bother! He will be at school soon enough- the years soon pass!

DonPablo · 05/07/2019 07:02

Surely this falls into the everybody is different category?

I have friends who go away for 2 weeks without their kids every year and have done since they were small. I have a friend who has never left her kids overnight because she doesn't want to and friends in between those extremes.

We all do the best we can, and what we need to do to get by. Ask your mum if she's happy with the arrangement. Then you'll know!

ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 05/07/2019 07:03

I get A LOT less than that, maybe twice a year at a push? But my MIL kindly has one child each 2 days a week so me and DH can work so she is more than helpful.

If I was in your position I would jump at the chance to spend time with DH and you're not pushing, you're waiting until its ok and has been offered.

Don't pay any attention to your mums miserable friend.

floraloctopus · 05/07/2019 07:04

They are your children not your DM's so it's your responsibility to look after them.

Original poster

Oilyskinproblems · 05/07/2019 07:09

Boosterrooster - we used to go to my dgp who lived 4 hours away for 3 weeks every summer holidays. Absolutely loved it and have so many happy memories. Didn’t affect my realationship with my parents at all.

donpablo - I think that’s what I’ve taken from this thread. Everyone’s different there is no right/wrong/norm. And you will get judged regardless...

OP posts:

Original poster

Oilyskinproblems · 05/07/2019 07:11

Floraloctopus - I’m curious does this mean you think people with kids should never have childcare/babysitting? Does this apply to working mums too? Do you think they should be at home looking after their kids? Genuine questions I’m interested to know

OP posts:

Redrupunzle · 05/07/2019 07:15

I couldn't be away from my kids that much but I'm pretty crazy. As long as your mum is okay with it that's all that matters. Im lucky that my kids are good and I can take them out to restaurants etc without any stress so the only time I leave them with my mum is for weddings

NataliaOsipova · 05/07/2019 07:23

I’m a friend of a grandmother in this situation. Although she is ultimately very happy to spend the time she does with her GC, she also does feel a bit put upon. The two aren’t actually mutually exclusive. I hate to say it, but the fact this is being mentioned as an issue strongly suggests to me that it is an issue - to some degree - for your mum. Or the conversation simply wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Settlersofcatan · 05/07/2019 07:38

I think being so hard core on not ever considering a babysitter is probably a bit pressuring for your mum. I have read the full thread and you do come across as quite surprised that not everyone gets this much help.

Also as I said, paid babysitters does not mean someone you don't know. You can get to know them first!

But obviously if you're certain your mum is happy, there we go. Not sure I understand the point in posting...

Original poster

Oilyskinproblems · 05/07/2019 07:44

Settlersofcatan - this is so frustrating! If you read the thread in full you’ll see the point was not to establish whether I’m putting my mum out but on average is it normal to spend this much time apart from dc. I’ve said this more than once.

And yes it does surprise me that there are less people than I thought who get this much help. That’s me being naive but it doesn’t for one minute mean I’m not grateful and appreciative because I am and I have also said this a few times.

If it makes any difference at all me and my siblings were never babysat by anyone other than family as children. Dm arranged a babysitter once then cancelled as she felt uneasy. Maybe this is where I get it from.

OP posts:

floraloctopus · 05/07/2019 08:04

Not at all. However grandparents have done their bit as far as raising children goes so parents should be paying for child care not asking relatives to do it regularly. If I wanted a babysitter for a night out then I would pay for one.

Livpool · 05/07/2019 08:07

I think your arrangement sounds fine - and your SF should not have said anything.

We are very lucky that we live close to PIL and my DP, they ask to have my DS quite often. I spent lots of time with my grandparents when I was younger, and they are some of my happiest memories.

I love my DS but it is it important to me to be something other than 'Mummy'. I am also a wife, a daughter and just me

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