About dm and childcare

[Oilyskinproblems]

I have 2 young dc. My only option for child care is dm who has a very busy life style. She looks after them so me and dh can spend time alone when she can (occasionally overnight). Sometimes this is once a fortnight, other times it might be 3 weeks in between and when she’s really busy over a month. I’m really grateful whenever she does this and we always wait until she offers unless there is a specific event coming up that we would like to go to such as a friends birthday/wedding.

Recently one of her friends has been suggesting we are taking advantage of her and has been encouraging her to say no to us (not that she does say no to us as we wait until childcare is offered). Also said I shouldn’t be palming my kids off at their ages (under 5s) and it’s strange that I don’t want to be with them all the time. I know all of this because Dsf told me although obviously wasn’t meant to as dm shot him a look.

It’s made me feel really shitty. Like she’s suggesting I’m a bad mum and don’t spend enough time with my kids? I’m a sahm by choice so am with them all the time! But I feel a bit judged now. Aibu to be away from them this often? How often do others have child free nights?

It's only too much if your mum isn't happy with it, surely?

My friend regularly changes plans and misses out on events and activities to look after her DGC overnight when her adult DC suddenly decide they want some 'me time'. She feels taken for granted but won't ever say no to their requests.
I don't mind so much being let down, more that my friends adult children don't respect that she is getting older and tires more easily. They seem to think her looking after their children is some sort of automatic entitlement. I thought it was particularly bad form that her DIL took the oldest 2 DGC on a short trip with their other Grandma when it was my friend's big birthday and she was having a party to celebrate.
The first party she'd ever been thrown in her life.

OP, you sound very reasonable and not like my friends adult DC at all. However, after your mid forties and the menopause, it's surprising how quickly you can feel tired from looking after young children, when only a few years earlier, it wouldn't have been so exhausting.

Maybe your mums friend is genuinely worried about your mum's health?

I think your mum has said something to her friend op, sorry.

I would maybe not let her have them as much and offer to go out with the children instead, that way she gets to spend time with them and not be on duty as such.

My mum would have had my DCs every weekend if I asked her to. I never did, but she used to have them for a week or 2 over the summer and once every couple of weekends if I wanted to go out with friends. If she hadn't had them for a while, I'd usually get a message asking when we were next coming over. We'd go over Saturday morning spend the day with her and then I'd go out, or home sometimes and leave the children to have a sleepover with grandma. My sister is the same, her children are grown up and she'll frequently call and say 'shall I take the kids to the zoo and have a sleepover next weekend?' etc.
I did the same when her boys were younger, and I don't think any of our family or friends think it's weird or being taken advantage of. The children love it, my mum loves it and I get the opportunity to spend the evening with DH or friends. Everyone wins.

There is no evidence that your Mum has said anything to her friend, friend could just be a busybody who wants your Mum available. I would just ask your Mum if she finds looking after your kids very tiring. I am surprised that you think people in normal health would be too tired after mid 40s mycat many people have young children of their own at that age. Don't stop it without discussing it with your Mum OP, she could be hurt.

@Weirdpenguin yes, I know lots of women have children in their 40's, I had my DS at 44.
Within a few years, menopause symptoms means I'm exhausted just doing ordinary stuff. Honestly, until you've hit the menopause, you've no idea what it can be like. You know that excess tiredness you can feel during a period? It's like that every day, plus hot flushes, night sweats etc....
Women my age and older are conditioned to put their children first and so they continue to do so, even to the detriment of their own health.

All I'm suggesting is that younger women actually stop and look at your mum/MIL and ask yourself if you're really thinking about their needs or just prioritising yours?
I had a younger thirties mum pal that arranged for her 70's MIL to have her 2 young toddler aged children Saturday to Sunday so they could attend a child free wedding. It's only 2 days right?
My own sister gets taken advantage of by her son because ex DIL wants a holiday during the school holidays and son doesn't want to take any more time off work to look after the 3 kids. Sister is currently undergoing cancer treatment. I don't see how she'll be well enough in 5 weeks time to look after herself, let alone 3 kids under 12.

I hit menopause a long time ago! Looking after children for an occasionally isn't the same as constant care. I have average health and still enjoy it at nearly 70. Obviously poor health changes things. I think OP needs to have a chat with her Mum about how she feels. ("You know interfery friend said I was taking advantage, do you find it too much? I don't want to put on you")

Mycatisblack - my mum has been through menopause and runs marathons so she’s doing quite well! And by the way I’d bet as many younger women also put their children first as women of your age. I’m hoping your post wasn’t meant to be as patronising as it is.

A quick update - I spoke to my mum today at lunch and asked if she felt she had the kids too often and she laughed at me and said she wishes I’d let her take them more. Then when I mentioned the comment she got angry at dsf and he’s now in the doghouse. Then she spent the rest of the day reiterating that she loves having the kids and would tell me if it was too much.

Anyway - as I keep saying - that is not the issue I wanted to discuss but as everyone seems so concerned I thought I’d address it I did also tell her and dsis about my concern over what a normal amount of time to spend away from them is but they made two very good points. Firstly I’m lucky enough to be sahm so probably get to see my dc more than those that have to work and I should be grateful for that. Secondly I went through a phase with dc1 where I “wasn’t ready” for him to be away from me yet and as a result he used to be incredibly clingy and we had to work really hard when the time was right to get him to stay with anyone but me. He does now but I regret the upset he went through at the time and realise it’s good to have balance.