About dm and childcare

[Oilyskinproblems]

I have 2 young dc. My only option for child care is dm who has a very busy life style. She looks after them so me and dh can spend time alone when she can (occasionally overnight). Sometimes this is once a fortnight, other times it might be 3 weeks in between and when she’s really busy over a month. I’m really grateful whenever she does this and we always wait until she offers unless there is a specific event coming up that we would like to go to such as a friends birthday/wedding.

Recently one of her friends has been suggesting we are taking advantage of her and has been encouraging her to say no to us (not that she does say no to us as we wait until childcare is offered). Also said I shouldn’t be palming my kids off at their ages (under 5s) and it’s strange that I don’t want to be with them all the time. I know all of this because Dsf told me although obviously wasn’t meant to as dm shot him a look.

It’s made me feel really shitty. Like she’s suggesting I’m a bad mum and don’t spend enough time with my kids? I’m a sahm by choice so am with them all the time! But I feel a bit judged now. Aibu to be away from them this often? How often do others have child free nights?

I think your mother's friend is an interfering busy body who should keep her trap shut.

It sounds like your mum is happy, you and dh are happy, and the kids are happy. You say your mum would tell you if there's a problem so I'm imagining her having her gcs came up in conversation with her judgy friend, rather than your mum complaining to her.

Have a discussion with your DM about what you were told. Ask if she feels as though she is being taken advantage of and whether she would rather reduce the child care she does for you.

It could just be that the friend is an interfering busybody who may want more of your DM time or that your DM has complained to her about you but hasn't broached the subject with you. Either way a conversation needs to be had.

You are very lucky to have the amount of childcare you have but every family is different. Some are more supportive than others . It makes no difference what happens in someone else's home. All that matters is that you and your DM is happy with the arrangements made.

I'd be annoyed, but I know I have a short fuse. I'd definitely stop accepting any offers for the next few months though. Nobody wants accusations of 'palming their children off' on someone else. I find it very odd, TBH, that your mother's friend would have said all that about child-minding that is quite an occasional thing.

Could it be your step-father who doesn't want it? Why would he tell you such a hurtful thing, making you feel that your children are a nuisance?

Pull back on the overnights, that's what I'd do.

OP it really isn't alot. If some people get offered very little or no support from GPs that doesn't mean what your DM does is alot. Honestly having GC once every 2, 3 or 4 weeks and sometimes overnight is nice as long as DM and children are happy but no it really isn't alot. As I said sometimes emergencies happen and it is comforting to know they are comfortable with someone.

So lets say it averages at 3 weeks that is 17 times a year, lets say they sleep over for half of them so 8 times a year they sleep over. My GC who live locally probably do that every month with me, my GC who lives 200 miles away sleep over at mine more than 8 nights a year, not weekends but 2 weeks in summer holidays and probably a few days at Easter/half term so may 20 to 25 nights a year.

If GPs don't want to do that well it's their loss. Next time your mum offers just check she is really happy to do and if she is don't worry about it.

We have under 5s.. grandparents have them around every 8-10months usually for 2 nights. They don't do another childcare at all though as live far away. I don't think every 3 weeks is excessive as long as grandparents are happy and I would happily do this if our family were able and willing. It definitely doesn't make you a bad mum!

You are very lucky to have your mother around to offer so often. That is not the norm imo. Your mother had her dm help out a lot. Your mother is paying it forward. Her friend is wrong to get involved. She sounds jealous.

I don’t think it’s a lot. These days I have a fair amount of time ‘off’ to do stuff (dancing, running, fat club) and husband has time ‘off’ for his stuff too. We usually work it between us but in the event of a clash or us wanting to go away together we ask my Mum or the inlaws.

I don’t think it does anyone any harm for the kids to know that Mummy is a person as well as a Mummy. And it certainly does Daddy no harm to understand it too.

My kids are as comfortable at Grandma’s as they are at home. Sometimes we all go, sometimes just the kids. We’re all happy.

Overnights are quite rare. Usually we’ll leave to go for dinner/cinema then come back and take over.

Dsf is so unbelievably transparent with his feelings. He has no filter and isn’t very socially aware so he would have told us if he felt this way. DMs friend is a lot younger than her and struggles to get childcare so her and her dh take it in turns to look after the children. So to her it probably does seem a lot even if it irregular/occasional

All sounds fine to me, your mum's friend should mind her own, I hope your mum ignores her.

I have reasons why it is absolutely vital to me that my children never think anything I do for them is an imposition or puts me out. That might be wrong, but that’s how it works in my family, including my parents.

Although my parents live abroad and DH’s live 3 hours away so childcare isn’t a thing for us!

Is there any chance that Dsf actually resents your dm watching your dc? Could he be me toning this whole thing because HE doesn't want your dm to be occupied with her gc? They aren't his gc. Just a thought.

It sounds fine to me. We do similar (though they usually are overnights). My toddler loves it, my parents love it and we get some time as a couple.

I understand its difficult if you don't have family or willing family nearby but I think a lot of people are just jealous. Why they can't get a reliable babysitter outside the family for evenings out, I don't know though... There are no prizes for martyrdom in parenting, and having time to yourselves or as a couple is so important, and also helps provide a loving, happy and stable home for the children.

Poopypants - Dsf has been there most of my life and sees me as a daughter. He most certainly sees my dc as his gc they are very close. I think as mentioned earlier it’s more to do with the fact that he was having a bitch about dms friend. He doesn’t see dm as much lately as she’s always out with her friend who doesn’t like him joining as she doesn’t want to be a third wheel

When we were kids 40years ago my nana used to come over every Saturday to look after 4 of us and give my dps a night out. That was our normal growing up and it sounds like yours was similar OP.

Once your mum is happy with the arrangement that is all that matters. It does sound like her friend is jealous. Maybe she would like your mum to babysit her kids and her smartass comments are her only way to get the point across.

I think you get a lot of babysitting help from your DM. My 2 kids go away overnight on average of once every 15 months to my mum as she works full time. Although if your DM is happy to have the kids I dont see the issue.

Me and my husband never go out alone to gether,but i rely massively on my MIL for childcare. I constantly used to leave my daughter with her, if I needed to go to the doctors or have a lot of housework or homework (im a parttime uni student). Now I have a newborn aswell I will probably leave them less often but tomorrow I need to go to the supermarket so Ill take my oldest with me and leave the baby with inlaws. I feel its reasonable to expect a few hours a week of childcare from (retired) parents or in laws. I just feel like its their duty to help out because presumably they love their grandkids and want the best for them. But I feel like in return we are generous with her/them, taking her out to restaurants occasionally, my husband helping with DIY, giving her lifts (cant drive), etc. Even buying the occasional gift is a nice touch in return.

I think it's absolutely fine if your DM wants to. It doesn't make you selfish or mean that you don't like spending time with your kids.

I say take it while you can. We also have lots of offers for help but rarely take it on. But definitely going to start. It's good for the kids to have some time away from their parents to.

Some go look after their g-kids on a daily basis, so once every few W weeks is fine. Providing Dm is happy with the arrangement, then that’s fine, and dm’s friend can butt out.

Greywillow - I love spending time with my kids! which is why I am a sahm. I just also love an occasional trip to the cinema or a bar with dh

Can count on one hand the number of times my DPs have had my 17YO and 14YO overnight. Two hands where we've gone out for the evening and collected them after. We have always taken ours with us and we've hd no other choice...

Neither my parents or my in laws have ever had my DC overnight. There are hundreds of miles between us all.

I use childcare and the odd favour. Childcare is people I have met through nursery or school. Paid at a good rate. You do have options outside of your mum. Following this feedback I would look at options, still have your DM offer and do that but also engage someone else

We haven't had one childfree night yet in 5.5 years.