About dm and childcare

[Oilyskinproblems]

I have 2 young dc. My only option for child care is dm who has a very busy life style. She looks after them so me and dh can spend time alone when she can (occasionally overnight). Sometimes this is once a fortnight, other times it might be 3 weeks in between and when she’s really busy over a month. I’m really grateful whenever she does this and we always wait until she offers unless there is a specific event coming up that we would like to go to such as a friends birthday/wedding.

Recently one of her friends has been suggesting we are taking advantage of her and has been encouraging her to say no to us (not that she does say no to us as we wait until childcare is offered). Also said I shouldn’t be palming my kids off at their ages (under 5s) and it’s strange that I don’t want to be with them all the time. I know all of this because Dsf told me although obviously wasn’t meant to as dm shot him a look.

It’s made me feel really shitty. Like she’s suggesting I’m a bad mum and don’t spend enough time with my kids? I’m a sahm by choice so am with them all the time! But I feel a bit judged now. Aibu to be away from them this often? How often do others have child free nights?

ohhh no, its not my 'duty' to have my dgs tsubasa1 I have him because I love him to bits, it helps my dd and her dh, my dm used to look after my dd years ago while I worked, I was a lone parent and really needed help, however, the term 'duty' never came into it - occasionally i would ask my parents to take care of dd overnight so i could go out, if they had nothing planned then all well and good, if not ok so be it, I look after dgs on the same basis, not out of duty!

If you have family offering to babysit then there's nothing wrong with going out. I can count on one hand the number of nights out together DH and I have had since DS was born 2 years ago but that's probably because we don't ask. DM can't babysit in the evenings and I feel bad asking DMIL to travel 45 mins to us. Other friends go out more often but they have more readily available childcare. So long as your mum is happy to do it then YANBU.

If you have family near it is great. We were lucky to be part of a babysitting circle so managed to get out now and again. If family are happy to help ignore interfering friends.

I think if your mum was happy with the situation then she would have taken what her friend said with a pinch of salt and not relayed it back to you .
I personally don’t think it’s too much especially if she offers

Can I ask why you have such antipathy towards the idea of a babysitter?

It's a genuine question. Because it could take a lot of pressure off your mum if you had a babysitter look after the kids for a cinema evening and only turned to her when you might need something longer/more personal (e.g. an overnight).

My children regularly stay with their grandparents or aunts/uncles or they stay babysit here.

We dont see a need for them be left with babysitters outside of family and its the same with our nieces and nephews.

We both grew up in families were going to our nannies was completely normal and sleep overs at relatives and cousins was completely normal.

We might go for an early bird and collect them on way home or the the cinema and for dinner or drinks if they have them over night.

That works for our family but talk to your mam and see if she is happy with it or would like to reduce it.

My dsgs and his gf have a child free Saturday overnight every week - 1 week his dm has the dcs and the following week her dm. I think that is great and don't understand the pps who go on about having too much childfree time!
When my dcs were young we did not have any childcare available for 2.5 years and I was really envious of those who did have childcare. Eventually my friends dm took pity on us and used to babysit every other month!

Gosh! Think that you need to be careful of other people’s agendas in threads like this. Just because others haven’t had a night off in 10 years and feel hard done by Even if they claim they don’t doesn’t mean you should feel bad if you have child care.i don’t have any child care but would never begrudge those who do. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for having an odd night out/child free night with your hubby- it makes your relationship stronger which is best for the whole family and do not feel guilty - It is possible to love your child and enjoy some time away too. The only thing I’d be careful about is if friend has said this because mum has confided in her and doesn’t want to approach you - best to ask to clear air and make sure she isn’t feeling beholden even f she’s the one doing the asking.

I have DGS overnight every few weeks, usually because DS and DDiL are going to an event such as a wedding or sport thing. DDiL mum also has him every few weeks so I guess it's working out that they get a night off every month. I'm certainly happy to have him whenever asked and as luck would have it, there hasn't yet been a date when we've had to say no owing to other commitments.

I don't think of it as palming off, although I tend to think he's a little young (15 months).

My mum used to look after my two twice a week, not usually overnight, but during the day or after school. Sometimes we would nip out for a cup of tea or quick drink as a couple when she was over, with her blessing. This has paid off dividends in terms of her being their favourite person, and even though she doesn't come over that much now, and even though they are teens, she is so special to them. Glad I didn't feel guilty or bad about this! Never occurred to me to do so, she's a calmer more natural parent than me and so being around her has been to their benefit.

These threads always turn into a competition, as if not having left your 8 year old DC overnight ever somehow makes you a better mother than someone else who is happy to leave theirs with loving, involved grandparents.

I'd broach it with your mum and ask her honestly how she feels about the frequency that she's babysitting. Chances are its her mate feeling a bit hard done by about her own situation, and projecting that on to your mum.

I think you’re very fortunate. The only person to ask though is your DM and hopefully she will be candid. It may be that your DSF is a bit fed up of the arrangement.

I wonder if your DM’s friend is my MIL lol. She frequently puts down her friends who do childcare for their grandchildren. The truth is that she doesn’t want to do it herself so looks down on her peers that do.

MIL has looked after DC1 once overnight, she babysat him once for 6 hours (she called me an hour before I was due back to check that I was enroute 😂), once for 4 hours and once for 9 hours. She seemed overwhelmed for some reason. I should add that we now have 2 DC, she won’t even put the 2 in a bath!! A bit ridiculous really.

FIL (divorced from MIL), DF and DSM are even more unhelpful.

When I go back to work DM and MIL will be looking after DS one day a week each. At the moment DF and DM see us and him at least once a week, MIL and FIL about once a month unless there's an additional special occasion because they live further away. They both offer to have DS all the time so we can go out but we've only needed babysitting for a few hours one evening when we went to the theatre and SIL looked after him, I prefer spending time with him at the moment but he's only 7 months, and a PFB, I know that will change as he gets older.

I don't think YABU at all, I wonder if this friend has GCs she sees less and this is her justification, maybe her children don't ask her to babysit because she's mean and negative....

I know my own mother would find it difficult to step back from something this regular if she wanted to. You need to be careful you are not just hearing what you want to hear. You don't say how old your mum is, but young children are tiring for older people, and often what they want is a chance to see their grandchildren with someone else stepping up to do the grunt work of parenting. Not saying this is you, but you need to keep alert to the situation and be ready for it to change.

For people asking about babysitters , it's just not like that in my family, even before DS I was always happy to look after my DN and my friend's children. It's not a chore I like them! If I paid a babysitter my family would think I was upset with them over something, they want to spend time with their GC/DN

I don’t think twice a month is too much. I have my ten month old two days a week and sometimes more and I absolutely love having her. I took her away last week for three days to give mum a break. The pay off is my GD loves coming to me and is so happy being with me.

I used to be at both sets of grandparents all the time and I loved it! Now I have to ask my parents and book them in advance if I need childcare and they've never offered to just have them which seems very unfair ... but I can't moan because I get every other weekend off when they go to their dads and it's BLOODY WONDERFUL, so no I don't think once a fortnight it too much.
Your mums friend sounds like a twat.

Please don’t hate me for this, and as a disclaimer I know there are always going to be exceptions, but has anyone else observed that time spent with grandparents is often a social class thing? As in it seems to be the norm for children from more working class families to spend a lot more time staying with grandparents than kids from better off families do? And that this happens from earlier on, and families seem closer. I’m from a middle class background and my mum will have my DC if I ask, but always makes me feel like she’s doing me a massive favour so I don’t ask her much. My DF (separated) sees them maybe a couple of times a year for a few hours if we go and see him, he never visits us despite living nearby. I’ve just noticed with friends (who are from all walks of life) that it’s the less well-off ones who are tighter knit across the generations of their families.

Maybe your mum offers because it's become a regular thing? I offer help to my parent and my PIL because it's polite and fairly regular occurrences but I actually dislike having to do it (like dropping them off at the airport or fixing their internet). I'd never tell them that though and I'm a pretty upfront person.

DifficultSituation19 I think you’re right.

It might be regional as well. I’m from Northern Ireland and it seems to be much more common here and very much Not A Big Deal. I was cooing over a very new newborn in the city centre the other week, and the woman pushing the pram explained he was six days old and she was taking care of him for her sister. I remember thinking to myself “Ooooh, that wouldn’t go down well on Mumsnet!”

@DifficultSituation19

I agree and I think there is also a culture difference. My grandmother was the matriarch of the family. She was my second mother and my most favourite person in the world. I saw her everyday. This is very common (there will be exceptions) in African Caribbean families.
My mom has taken care of my daughter since she was a baby. She has her one day a week, overnight. My daughter adores her and asks for her all the time. I think my mom is her favourite person (she’s 1) and I think it’s great. There can never be enough people to love your child.

Anyway, I notice my Sikh, Muslim and Irish friend also have the same arrangements in their families (grandparents help raise the children).

😂 disclaimer my sample size is small but very interesting.

My DC7 spends 3 weekends per month at her grandparents and a couple of weeks during the holidays.

It’s great, we’re all happy. My child has an absolutely fantastic and close relationship with them, their house is a second home.

I hope to do the same if I have any grandchildren.

Ignore the weirdos who think you can have too much time away from your child, if you’re all happy and the child is loved and secure then I have no clue what the issue is.

I think just because you have kids doesn't instantly mean you put 0 effort into relationships.
Adults need time without kids. I wouldn't be surprised if those who never make couple time have some relationship issues.
Don't ever feel guilty for making time for your partner

This is one of those threads that always leaves me slightly baffled; not by the OP necessarily but by the general conversation about childcare. All of the posters claiming that "we don't have any available childcare because my ILs aren't close" or "we haven't had a night out in five years"... you have a choice. Unless you live in the arse-end if nowhere (again, a choice) there are things called babysitters. Generally speaking they don't need a Ph.D in childcare - find a reliable teenager who needs the money and has watched some other kids, and hire them. Motherhood as martyrdom does no-one any favors.