Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dm and childcare

158 replies

Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 19:41

I have 2 young dc. My only option for child care is dm who has a very busy life style. She looks after them so me and dh can spend time alone when she can (occasionally overnight). Sometimes this is once a fortnight, other times it might be 3 weeks in between and when she’s really busy over a month. I’m really grateful whenever she does this and we always wait until she offers unless there is a specific event coming up that we would like to go to such as a friends birthday/wedding.

Recently one of her friends has been suggesting we are taking advantage of her and has been encouraging her to say no to us (not that she does say no to us as we wait until childcare is offered). Also said I shouldn’t be palming my kids off at their ages (under 5s) and it’s strange that I don’t want to be with them all the time. I know all of this because Dsf told me although obviously wasn’t meant to as dm shot him a look.

It’s made me feel really shitty. Like she’s suggesting I’m a bad mum and don’t spend enough time with my kids? I’m a sahm by choice so am with them all the time! But I feel a bit judged now. Aibu to be away from them this often? How often do others have child free nights?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:32

She doesn’t work she’s retired. When I say she is busy I mean with socialising - meeting for coffee and cake or shopping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:34

This thread is an eye opener. A lot of people commenting that’s they find it really difficult to get family child care. I think because I had it a lot as a child I naively thought it was the norm. Feel lucky that we have the option and that my children are able to spend so much time with their grandparents and build such a lovely relationship.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 04/07/2019 20:35

If I were you I would be more concerned that your DM has been complaining to her friend: it seems odd that her friend would say this if your DM was happy with the arrangement … and for her DH to pipe up and tell you: do you think there has been some complaining behind your back, maybe? I don't know why he would say it if he knew she was genuinely happy with the arrangement. I may be way off the mark: it's just that this is exactly the sort of thing my DM would do (if she actually looked after my DC) - offer to my face, then play the martyr to her friends behind my back.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 20:36

that my children are able to spend so much time with their grandparents and build such a lovely relationship.

you can't say that after pointing out that the kids are usually in bed

MamaFlintstone · 04/07/2019 20:38

It sounds a lot to me but I’ve probably gone too far the other way and have never spent a night apart from my 19 month old. And she’s been babysat (by my DM) so we could go out in the evening twice.

Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:39

Piffle - it seems out of character for her but obviously it’s possible. I have a feeling she was annoyed at dsf because he’s not keen on her friend and I think she thought he was trying to start a slagging off session. He’s complained about her before and dm gets so huffy. Don’t think dms friend is a fan of him either from what I’ve heard.

OP posts:
funnystory · 04/07/2019 20:39

To me it seems loads of overnights but I think I'm just jealous! I have two young children (both under 3) and my mum has kept them overnight once. She made it into a huge drama and had to get someone else in to help her and then seemed to be exhausted for a week afterwards, so I don't anticipate she's going to offer again any time soon!

I have friends who's parents keep their kids overnight maybe once every couple of months and they really enjoy getting out for a nice meal as a couple as the kids love getting to stay overnight at granny's. I think that's lovely and really wish I had that set up.

I also worked with a lady who kept her grandchild overnight every weekend, but her daughter was a single mum and I got the impression that she struggled.

If your mum is happy to do it and you're happy with the arrangement then I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks, I'd love to have what you have!

LadyRannaldini · 04/07/2019 20:40

I fond other people most bizarre when it comes to children. It's certainly a western ideal that you don't let anyone else near them until they are 25 and martyr yourself in the process.

It's a fairly modern thing, part of the perception of supermum who can never be without the child, wears it in a sling when hoovering etc., the child then has 'attachment issues' when they start school. Some of the very clingy parenting attitudes are generally to make one mother look better than the next. The first time our grandchild was left with us when her parents went to a wedding they were so upset that she wouldn't be happy or settle and they were almost more upset when she wasn't!

Piffle11 · 04/07/2019 20:40

And I don't get much childcare either. DM and DF came to look after DS1 last week so DH and I could attend DS2's school concert: prior to that we hadn't had them to babysit since December. MIL and her DH haven't looked after the DC since 2013. And none of them have the DC at their house: they come here. My parents have stayed over if we're having a late night, but they insist on going home at 9am. MIL lives close by so we used to have to be home before 11pm so she could go home. So you're DM is doing plenty, but if she doesn't like it, she shouldn't offer. Not your fault if she's offering. But some people do like to play the martyr (looking at you, DM) - I think you need to speak to her alone and find out what's going on.

Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:41

They are usually in bed when they leave but dm comes over earlier or we take them over earlier so she can see them and then leave after bed time routine or just before. It would seem rude to just turn up dump the kids and leave. Also she quite often asks if she can have them in the day to take them places.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 04/07/2019 20:42

You're lucky. My DM lived ten minutes away, retired, drove and was in good health and never offered. We always had to ask. Because it was obvious she'd rather be doing other things, we only asked every 2-3 months. In over 13 years she never had them overnight. Ever.
The only break we ever got otherwise was when they went to nursery and school. Probably why I went back to work pt at four and five months. Paid childcare saved my sanity. She's dead now so we have no-one in the county. Luckily they're young teens and pretty independant although we've still never managed that night away.

stucknoue · 04/07/2019 20:43

It is quite a lot - my mil has never had my kids (we once lived a distance away but it's now under an hour, too late now they are adults) my mum has never lived near us but has had them stay in school holidays or stayed at ours so we could go away eg to a wedding.

Nearlythere1 · 04/07/2019 20:46

I fond other people most bizarre when it comes to children. It's certainly a western ideal that you don't let anyone else near them until they are 25 and martyr yourself in the process.

I think it's more the western ideal to need lots of time off from the kids

makingmammaries · 04/07/2019 20:46

I’m envious too, but can’t see anything wrong with your arrangement. Maybe your DM’s friend feels left out, or has an agenda of some kind.

flowery · 04/07/2019 20:49

”If I thought it was even slightly an issue for her I’d stop accepting the offer of childcare. But I genuinely don’t and she loves having them.”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve pretty much perfected the art of giving my kids the impression that the various things I do for them are not even slightly an issue. Just a thought.

southernsofties · 04/07/2019 20:49

You are very lucky, but if your DM is happy then that's great.

My DC is 14 and in all that time neither sets of parents have ever offered to babysit let alone have them overnight! However I do have a DSIS & a DSIL/DBIL who's kids have had overnights with my DM/DMIL very regularly, almost weekly when they were young, so we felt awkward asking as they had enough on their plates!

Goldmandra · 04/07/2019 20:52

It's a fairly modern thing, part of the perception of supermum who can never be without the child, wears it in a sling when hoovering etc., the child then has 'attachment issues' when they start school.

That's a reckless statement to make and quite the opposite is true.

Children have attachment issues because they have not built healthy attachment relationships as small babies. They most certainly don't have attachment problems because their mothers used slings.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 04/07/2019 20:53

As long as everyone involved in the situation is fine with it, then it's fine.

Families are all different. Parents are all different. My DS went for his first overnight at 3 months. I have a close friend has never been away overnight from her DS, who is almost 2 years old, and has no intention of being away from him overnight anytime soon despite offers from both GPs. Another friend is currently abroad for a long weekend to be bridesmaid for her best friend while her 10 month old is at home with the GPs. Another friend works night shifts and her primary school DD lives with the GPs mon-wed because otherwise the mum couldn't manage her shifts. The one thing they have in common is they all love their kids.

Some people have a village. Why wouldn't you use it if you have one?

SheldonSaysSo · 04/07/2019 20:55

Everyone needs a break and as long as you are waiting to be offered then its no problem. Even if you did ask a lot of grandparents would be delighted with some alone time with their grandchildren. The frequency isn't anyone else's business, as long as you, your mum and the kids are happy.

Original poster
Oilyskinproblems · 04/07/2019 20:59

Flowery - were quite open and direct with our feelings in my family always have been which works for us. But I understand everyone’s family works differently so get where you’re coming from.

Thanks for the replies definitely shocked at how many people think it’s a lot but I suppose it’s good to get a reality check sometimes.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 04/07/2019 21:00

Different things work for different people. All that matters is that all those directly involved are happy. Maybe just reassure your mum that if she ever isn't happy or wants to reduce the amount or stop, that it's absolutely not a problem and all she needs to do is talk to you about it

Sarahandco · 04/07/2019 21:01

It is between you and your mum. It doesn't sound unreasonable if your mum is happy with the arrangement.

Just a thought, but could the friend be jealous? does looking after your children prevent her socialising with her friend on those nights. Or could she be a little envious that she has a relationship with her granschildren.

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2019 21:01

Yanbu.

Our last date night was our anniversary in August last year. I’m also a sahm with two under five. We don’t have family nearby and if my parents were near they’d have them 3 or more a week if they could and overnights.

Your mother is the one offering so don’t see the issue. She might be that grandparent who actually wants to spend time with her grandchildren.

I used to be a night babysitter and I knew couples who went out every Saturday night. The kids were awake for an hour after parents left and then were asleep for the rest of the night, saw their parents in the morning. Not a big deal and the children didn’t suffer. Many marriages suffer due to couples not getting enough time alone together. Ignore the woman.

cadburyegg · 04/07/2019 21:02

My mum looks after baby DS2 3 days a week - sometimes full days although usually my DH is home early afternoon. She offered to do so, I never asked her. We have a chat nearly every week about things, we have a great relationship, and she’d tell me if there was a problem or if she didn’t want to do it. It depends on the person- the arrangement you describe would be too much for my in laws. As long as your mum is happy with the arrangement, there is no issue.

dairymilkmonster · 04/07/2019 21:02

Sounds fine.
People that don't need childfree time must be a different species to me. I am rather a rubbish parent though!

Swipe left for the next trending thread