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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 03/07/2019 18:03

I agree with you BUT other people have odd dynamics …. do the blokes not work or something?

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 18:05

Oh this is wkend get togethers-everyone works

OP posts:
Kashali · 03/07/2019 18:11

I can see if they are working why they want to spend time as a family, I know I would.
I think school friend meet ups are for during the week after kids are in school. Weekends are family time.
Hanging out with your dh is most evenings after tea, apart from the nights either of you are out at a hobby.

Sceptre86 · 03/07/2019 18:15

Yanbu I don't think my dh would necessarily want to join in. However the weekend is usually family time for us so I can understand that they maybe want to spend time together too. Plus you do get some couples who just can't handle being apart!

plobsalt · 03/07/2019 18:17

Yabu. If it's a weekday thing I'll always be alone if it's the weekend I'll be with dh. Every single one of my friends does the same. Maybe it's where I live.

greenlynx · 03/07/2019 18:17

I agree with you 100% but I myself often behaved similar in the past.
I have anxiety, I don’t drive and our DD has additional needs. When she was younger I asked my DH to go somewhere with us when I was really worried about new situation and about how to cope with our DD’s needs. I’m not saying that it’s right, no, but between not going and going together we were choosing to go together.

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2019 18:20

YANBU to want to do things apart from your husband but she is not unreasonable to want to do things together with hers. You don't get a say in how their marriage works, but if you prefer not to spend time with them as a couple, you may need to accept that this friendship won't go far. That's okay.

avalanching · 03/07/2019 18:22

I do agree generally, but then I suppose the difference is it's a weekend. If you were SAHMs in the week I'd get it more, but for me DH and I only get weekends together so I'd be loathed to socialise too often without him on a weekend. That said if it's occasional YANBU.

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 18:23

Yanbu

How awkward. You are basically now just going to be tagging along on their family day out.

My oh would be chuffed if me and DC were going out for the day ..peace and quiet at home and control of the remote control!

Some couples are codependent.

Youngandfree · 03/07/2019 18:23

My dh works away for 3 weeks at a time so when he is home we literally spend 3 weeks together (except for a few things)but we will be together 90% of the time. It’s how we work. Even when I went to baby groups he would join us! 🤷‍♀️

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 18:28

I barely see my husband during the week, we are lucky if we spend 1 hour together in the evening, I have no interest of not seeing him at the weekend if we are both around.

I can go places without him but I don't want to. We''ve even been known to go to kids birthday parties together (rarely, there's always another child who needs a chauffeur) because it was a pleasure to see our kid having fun and having a chance to chit chat together - and with other parents. 🤷

I can understand why a family likes to stay together.

So YABU to picture this woman like some useless person who doesn't "dare" doing things alone.

If you were organising a hen weekend, that would be a step too far I give you that!

Bigearringsbigsmile · 03/07/2019 18:31

I only see my dh at weekends so we spend time together then.

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 18:33

So YABU to picture this woman like some useless person who doesn't "dare" doing things alone

The op never said that. However, perhaps it's the husband who can't be alone rather than her?

Also him tagging along is going to make it harder for the op and the other lady to create a friendship.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 18:34

formerbabe the OP exact words were:

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

I was merely quoting her...Hmm

TwoleftUggs · 03/07/2019 18:38

God no, yanbu. I have a friend like this too. Her and her DH are both teachers. I arrange small outings in the holidays so we can catch up over a coffee while the children play- playcentres, skating, park etc, and her DH rocks up too. It totally ruins the dynamic. Instead of chatting over coffee I’m feeling more like gooseberry to their family outing. They have 6 weeks off together in the summer, and I can’t even separate them for an hour!

Awaywiththefairies27 · 03/07/2019 18:40

I go everywhere with mine and love it. That wont change. Time is precious and we're best friends, why would we exclude the other from any plans with our kids?

I need someone around who will laugh at my shockingly bad mum puns. Grin

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 18:42

I go everywhere with mine

Confused. Seriously? You never go out without your husband?!

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 18:43

You never go out without your husband?!

me neither. I married my favourite person in the world, why would I want to not spend time with him?

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 18:47

me neither. I married my favourite person in the world, why would I want to not spend time with him?

God, this is like a parallel universe sometimes.

What about shopping? Can you do that alone? Or going to an appointment?

Seriously, spending time apart doesn't mean you don't love that person. It's perfectly healthy and normal to do things separately.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 18:47

I agree with you OP. I no longer see a friend because she saw every weekend as family time and weekdays if you work full time are not practical to meet up. Have this rule if you want, but don't expect to meet or keep friends who work full time.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 18:50

And I am taken aback at those who never go out without their husband. Loving someone does not mean you can not still be an individual.
If I am honest I would not want to be friends with anyone who refuses to go out without their husband.

MsTSwift · 03/07/2019 18:53

I think meeting up just mums at the weekend is abit weird. At weekends the whole family meet up in the weeks just mums. That’s the way it’s been in all the friendship groups I’ve been in in London and south west anyway

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/07/2019 18:55

If she was turning down invitations just because her husband was busy, I’d say a YANBU and of course she could come without him. However, I think YABU in this case as there is no reason for her to think she shouldn’t invite her husband. It’s not like it’s a hen night, a girly lunch or you’ve asked her over because you need advice. It’s a day at the zoo; the other day was a trip to the park - there’s no reason for her husband, or yours, not to be there.

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/07/2019 18:58

I'm a single parent and it's very difficult to meet up with other mums at the weekend as they all spend time with their husbands which is totally normal and expected.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 19:00

formerbabe
I find it as weird that you would actively try to spend time apart from your husband if you have one

Each to their own. There are many things I could do, I just don't want to. 🤷