Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 03/07/2019 19:02

Co-dependency is not healthy

Sunbeam18 · 03/07/2019 19:02

Maybe her husband wants to be friends with you too? Why can you only be friends with the woman?

Youngandfree · 03/07/2019 19:05

Maybe her husband wants to be friends with you too? Why can you only be friends with the woman?

Yes! This!

sugartitz · 03/07/2019 19:07

I pretty much go everywhere with my partner when we are not at work. We aren't dependent on each other, but we actually quite like each other and want to spend what little time we do get together together. On a weekend we would rarely accept any invitation to go out unless it was as a family

IkeaIsForWinners · 03/07/2019 19:07

I never take my DH anywhere. He has ASC and hates people!

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 19:07

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019

formerbabe
I find it as weird that you would actively try to spend time apart from your husband if you have one

Yes I have ta...and your comment is totally fucked up and weird.

You must have massive trust issues and problems with co dependency if you are unable to spend any time apart.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 19:10

formerbabe
Your posts are very angry and aggressive, it doesn't put you in a great position to make snappy judgement about other people.

The more you post, the more bitter you sound. I am happy as I am, with my DH, thanks Smile

Xyzzzzz · 03/07/2019 19:13

I’m on your side OP don’t understand why it always has to be a couple thing? Sometimes it’s nice to go without DH. Why would you want a random person coming along if you are going with DH to the park or zoo? I don’t get with DH would need to join a play date? Unless they thought yours would be there, maybe you need to be a bit clearer?

Going to their house I would expect DH to be there.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 19:15

At weekends the whole family meet up in the weeks just mums Not every woman is a stay at home mum, I work 9-5 Monday- Friday (as do most of the mothers I know)

OP posts:
Sunshine93 · 03/07/2019 19:16

I don't think its weird to expect to spend time with her DH at the weekend especially when kids are involved. I assume he works in the week so it's his time with them too. Why dont you invite her for a drink in the evening. If she gets a babysitter and brings him then that is weird.

Some.of the posters on here who never go anywhere without their DH are extreme but there's no saying that this wouldn't be true if you suggested an evening out or even exercising together or something else just for the adults.

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 19:16

I find it as weird that you would actively try to spend time apart from your husband if you have one

You commented on me first...saying this.

If you really think that couples who spend any time apart probably 99% are actively doing so because they don't want to spend time together, then yes, you must have massive issues. As for your passive aggressive comment on my relationship status, yes I have a normal, happy relationship where I can independently go for a coffee with a friend...like most people.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 19:20

formerbabe
maybe re-read YOUR post that I was replying to - so you can take my reply in the context it was written.

Still pointing out that the judgement could go both ways, but funnily enough you don't like it we reverse it. Why is one acceptable not the other?

I don't want to go out without my DH, not sure why that put you in such a state. *and yes, I wasn't sure if you had a husband, a wife, a partner, I don't even know if you are male or female even if I can guess Grin

Alexkate2468 · 03/07/2019 19:20

I’m with @sugartitz. I love spending time with my dh. I don’t need to but I want to. We’re rarely apart at weekends.

The only unreasonable thing on this thread is that people think there’s a ‘right’way to do things. How about everybody just does what works for their family? If you like time apart- great. If you like time together - great.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 19:20

I find it as weird that you would actively try to spend time apart from your husband if you have one

Really? So I don’t love my husband if I dare spend time away from him?
My husband has taken our DD to his friends children’s parties without me, I’ve been to
Play dates without him. This Friday I will come home from work, put my LO to bed and then go meet a friend for dinner. I have friends in my
own right and sometimes I want to catch up and talk about things tbh my husband would be bored stiff engaging in.

As for my neighbour I never called her pathetic, she’s far from it and I like her, but I do not understand this level of co- dependency. Sadly I don’t think we can become great friends.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 03/07/2019 19:23

I really enjoy meeting up with my friends and our children without the husbands. We have been friends since uni and as much as it's nice to do things as a big group I much prefer it being just us girls. We are all in the same profession so often talk about work which would be boring for others. It spoils the dynamics if the blokes are there. My friend recently joined my husband myself and our two children with her child at a local country park. I felt really split between the two of them as they don't know each other very well and my husbands not the most chatty at the best of times!

Krisskrosskiss · 03/07/2019 19:25

Well yes... but you also can. Different people like to do different things. If my husband was off work we would both do things with the kids... because we are a family and we like to do that! I know some people like to take turns taking the kids out and going to play dates etc... and that is totally fine. But I really dont see what issue there is with both members of a couple being on a play date with their kids? It's not as though you are in the pub having a heart to heart with a close friend... it's a playdate! No one ever gets time to have in depth convos anyway....
My friend never goes on playdates with her husband and she comes out with her child and me and my husband and our child, a lot. And we actually get to talk more than usual if my husband has come along because hes there to keep an eye on the kids whilst we are chatting lol!

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 19:25

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019

Genuine questions

Could you pop to the supermarket by yourself?

Could you go clothes shopping by yourself?

If a group of female friends were going for dinner, would you join them without your husband?

If you have DC, could you take them to the park by yourself?

BitchQueen90 · 03/07/2019 19:26

There's no right or wrong way to do things. Different things work for different people.

I'm a single mum but I did plenty of things without my exh when we were married. Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with couples that do everything together but that doesn't mean it's wrong, it's just something I'd hate personally.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 03/07/2019 19:29

I don’t get extreme codependency either, I’m more than happy to have independent and couples meet ups. That being said if I’ve not seen my husband for ages and he’s only home a few days, we will spend most of it together.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 19:30

Independentlondoner
You should take my reply in context, I don't give a monkey if people go on girls night out or not, I was just making fun of the poster who seem so shocked that some of us don't want to go out without our husbands.

Calling someone co-dependent because they have different preferences is judgemental and a bit pathetic.

TheDarkPassenger · 03/07/2019 19:30

Me and my oh have separate friends and separate lives tbh, it works for us very well as we both can get quite suffocated easily so we’ve naturally fallen into this routine..

My best friend works with, lives with, and has all the same friends as her husband. It works for them!

It’s just how it goes for different relationships. I can imagine how you feel about being a third wheel though, especially as you don’t know the husband very well!

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 03/07/2019 19:32

Maybe they have told people that have an au pair and need to keep up the lie. Grin

SkinThing · 03/07/2019 19:34

I travelled with my DH for a long time so we can easily spend 24/7 together.

However.

My friends are not his friends. I'd find it really odd if he came on my visits or trips/days out to see my friends.

I'd feel completely suffocated.

Surely it's normal to see friends by yourself? To go shopping, to pop out for the day, generally do stuff on your own?

Sunshine93 · 03/07/2019 19:35

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 I don't want to go out without my DH Do you honestly mean never? That is unusual. Do you have any friends separate to him?

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 19:35

The husband is perfectly nice but I find that with the him there the chat tends to stay very basic/ neighbour like:
“How’s the extension going”
“How’s the your daughter getting on at pre school” etc.

As for people wondering why some of us view codependency as odd, i would think that’s because we were all individuals before our partners came along.

OP posts: