AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

[Independentlondoner]

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

Personally I’m a woman’s woman, all my friends are women. If your friends are of the opposite sex I would think you could hang out with them independently too, I was just speaking from my perspective.

My husband has his own friends and get togethers too.

Surely though even if you are currently seeming to be financially and emotionally dependant its still not a clear indicator of how well youd cope if everything went tits up?
I mean personally I'd take the gamble. I'm not going to try and disconnect from my husband because it might hurt slightly less when he dies!!
It's a choice not a need. I'd be capable of functioning without him... but why should I when hes there and we prefer to be together?

Talking to your girlfriends about their problems and vice versa?

See I find this weird. I want to see my friends to have a fun and enjoy ourselves. Why is it to talk about problems?

Honestly OP just accept that this neighbour does not want the same level of friendship that you do, and that's fine. Apparently you have lots of friends so you won't miss one less will you?

I used to hate this when my DC were younger - I had mum friends from toddlers group, and sometimes we'd go to each others houses during the week, never any partners.

Then trips would be suggested, whether pool, park, zoo or whatever. Suddenly they were incapable of managing without their husbands.

Two of us ran a fairly small bilingual toddlers group on a weekday morning, we had funds left at the end of the year and talked about using them to pay for entry for everyone to a petting farm place - the funds would cover all the adults and children who usually attended the group. After agreeing to do it on the normal weekday morning, suddenly the texts and phonecalls and whispering in twos and threes happened - couldn't we move it to a weekend and bring husbands?

Why?

Only the Sahp/ part time working parents knew one another from the toddlers group (there was a sahd, so not exclusively female, but it was a group of people who had been meeting weekly for a year, with kids). Most of the partners had never met one another nor the other toddler's group members. My husband was utterly reluctant to be a tag along +1 and I didn't want to spend the funds to partially fund partners I'd never met in a weird couply day out of lots of separate families - totally different, worse dynamic and only half the entry paid instead of all of it from funds.

Why do people become so helpless and dependant - or do they all have controlling spouses?

To be fair this only happened when I was on the "expat" scene. Once I stopped hanging out with expats far fewer locals and immigrants are joined at the hip with their spouses.

Perhaps people were taking "trailing spouse" too literally!

I do have close male friends I meet up with but I still think a husband accompanying his wife to a gathering of female friends can change the dynamic. Same if I insisted on accompanying my partner to an outing with his male friends.

@NorwegianButter I have just realized that I have no male friends 😬😂😂 I also work in a school with an all female staff 🤷‍♀️

I'm getting on a bit and I have seen quite a number of situations where it has gone tits up, and tbh, the women who have been hugely dependent on their husbands have in general had much greater problems adapting to life on their own than women who have kept independent interests and friendships. So in my experience, yes, it is an indicator and I would recommend no-one to become so totally dependent on another person. It doesn't mean you have to disconnect, of course, just keep some independence.

Personally I’m a woman’s woman, all my friends are women.

And a lot of people would find that odd. Can't you see that we are all different? You are a woman's woman, others are introverts, some like groups of friends, some only socialise with family - different strokes and all that.

anothernotherone
you can't understand why a working parent would want to spend time with their toddler on their day off, and would prefer to join in on an outing?

I find that more shocking than anything else - It's hard enough to miss out on your kids when you are stuck at work! Sure, the working parent should pay for themselves, but I can't understand what you find so

Is it helpless and dependant to actually want to be with your kid, and your partner?

The couples I know who have been so "independent" are now all divorced, funnily enough. It don't turn it into a rule - like people who do in reverse - but it's hardly surprising when you think about it.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 the outing was planned for a weekday morning, when the toddlers group usually took place. It didn't impinge on time the working parent usually spent with their toddler nor did it stop the families doing outings together at weekends.

Why is going on an outing on a Tuesday morning while your child/ children's other parent is at work shocking?

I'm not sure I believe this stuff about doing everything together - if your friend invited you (just you) for a drink/cinema/whatever on a Thursday evening you'd only attend if your partner comes too?

I don’t think wanting to spend time with your dh at the weekend makes you “hopelessly dependent”. Some weird views about men too. Through kids we have got to know quite a few local families all going for a walk or doing an activity at the weekend is great. I even -shock horror - enjoy chatting to the men and dh gets on really well with my mum friends. Never understood the Saudi Arabian type woman /man only socialising. Sure the odd girls night is fun and enjoy women only chats but mixed is good too

I don’t like the fact that some people who spend all their time with their other half, think that if the dh dies it will hurt less if you’re an independent individual woman who's spent time away from her husband/wife, what all load of bollocking shit

A lot of people were deliberately helpless - oh I couldn't possibly manage my one NT toddler by myself anywhere but at toddlers group/ in someone's house. We can't go to the open air pool on a weekday morning when it's quiet, I need John / Will / Alex to come and help, let's all go on Saturday afternoon when it's heaving instead...

And a lot of people would find that odd. Can't you see that we are all different? You are a woman's woman, others are introverts, some like groups of friends, some only socialise with family - different strokes and all that.

Don’t thinks it comparable to not doing anything social without your OH.

As I’ve stated I’m not saying women need women time, I’m saying individuals need their own friendships

Oh but, Evilspiritgin. If you're capable of attending a social event all by yourself you must surely be only half in love with your husband

Surely most people fall into some kind of middle ground?

DH is my best friend, we love spending time together as a couple and a family - but I do find people who can't - or won't - do ANYTHING without their 'other half' odd.

Absolutely no socialising at all, EVER??

How is that even possible?!

If you're capable of attending a social event all by yourself you must surely be only half in love with your husband

but if you prefer being with your husband you are a helpless individual with no personality?

Apparently you have lots of friends so you won't miss one less will you?
I have friends yes, I was keen to develop this friendship as we have kids the same age and live next door- it’s fine that it won’t happen to a greater degree

Absolutely no socialising at all, EVER??

How is that even possible?!

How much free time do you people have that you can socialise so much?!?! I haven't even made it home yet! Let alone gone out for drinks and planning a weekend away with my girlfriends!

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 since the beginning of the year have you spent any weekend time without your OH?

Every week day evening is free, if I so wish! When you have a DH who's happy to be home with the kids, and vice versa.

He's got a work farewell this evening (Thurs), so he's off to that, while I'm home with the kids.

Another evening it might be the other way around.

Weekend are pretty much joint socialising.

I stand firmly by my position that most people fall into a middle ground between joint / family socialising, and some independent socialising.

And they still love their DH and very much enjoy spending time with them.

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019

If that's what you prefer, then that's that, but please don't try to make out like those of us who are capable of leading independent social lives are strange or don't love our spouse's as much as you do.

I see weekends as family time, so will avoid meeting up with friends some weekends, and hang out with my family. Others I'll meet up with them alone (DH would have no interest in coming with me!) and enjoy being me, not mum or wife one of the days, then have family time the other day. I don't think it has to be an either/or situation.
But no, DH doesn't come with me when I see friends, unless the DHs are mutual friends, and it's arranged as a coupley thing.