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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:

nicky7654 · 05/07/2019 09:07

My DH has no issue staying at home if I'm meeting a friend. He likes time to himself too.

WishIwas19again · 05/07/2019 09:36

We mix it up, sometimes D H and I would go together to meet up with friends (with or without their husbands as some do football etc. on Saturdays), sometimes it's just me and the kids, sometimes DH goes and meets a friend and takes kids with him.

A big day trip to the zoo I'd not want to miss out on, a trip to the park I'd take it or leave it depending if I want to get something done at home/have a rest

Perhaps they're new to the area and trying to make new 'couple friends' so hoping your DH will come too

Upfeet · 05/07/2019 09:42

If it is a weekend trip then we like to do things together so if it were us I would be accommodating you and not my DH by having you come with us. If it was during the week I would not bring him. We get two days to do things with the children together. We use them.

Biancadelrioisback · 05/07/2019 10:06

So you always go to all children’s activities together? When do you get time on your own?

Two evenings a week when he works late and at the weekend if I want? I'm definitely not one who does everything with my DH but stuff to do with our child tends to be both of us. We both work long hours during the week and both want to spend time with DS. I wouldn't take him away for a full Saturday and not invite DH and vice versa. Or at least not discuss it first to see if the other person would mind.
That doesn't mean I don't do things with my friends without DH or he with his.

MsTSwift · 05/07/2019 10:08

God no tag team kids activities unless a performance or something but headline Sunday day out to zoo or walk with lunch would go together

MsTSwift · 05/07/2019 10:10

Well exactly upfeet plus kids aren’t around forever my 13 year old increasingly off with pals - our family days out quite precious now went to beach last weekend was lovely. I want that time with my family not my neighbour however nice she may be

Ragwort · 05/07/2019 11:04

We used to do a lot of ‘tag teaming’ too when DS was younger, we didn’t both need to go & warptch him swim/play rugby etc & often I would do things one day with him when DH played golf (as an example) & then I would have one day free when DH took charge. Surely not all families have exciting family days out every Sat & Sun ? We did the odd thing as a ‘family’ but not every weekend has to be spent providing entertainment for children.

DS is older now but he & DH are off for a weekend camping tomorrow, bliss, no need for me to tag along.

formerbabe · 05/07/2019 11:08

Surely not all families have exciting family days out every Sat & Sun hmm? We did the odd thing as a ‘family’ but not every weekend has to be spent providing entertainment for children

Exactly...this weekend, I'll be out with my sister, her DC and my DC. No dads coming along. On the other day, my oh is taking kids out for a McDonalds. We often do stuff together but I know my oh works hard all week and enjoys a bit of peace and quiet at the weekend whilst we're out.

jennymanara · 05/07/2019 11:24

Perhaps they're new to the area and trying to make new 'couple friends' so hoping your DH will come too

If that was true, then they have poor social skills. The obvious thing to do is invite them both to something.

DecomposingComposers · 05/07/2019 11:38

We did the odd thing as a ‘family’ but not every weekend has to be spent providing entertainment for children.

Well no, weekends were usually spent catching up on chores, the weekly shop, visiting relatives, ferrying kids round to parties or activities. I'm not sure I would be over the moon if my husband had been out and about socialising with a neighbour leaving me to do all of the housework, shopping and sorting out for parents etc.

HippyTrails · 05/07/2019 11:43

YABU - maybe her husband wants to spend time with his family at the weekend because he works all week

Biancadelrioisback · 05/07/2019 11:54

Agree. Saturday we usually catch up on house work and DIY as we don't have much time during the week (and no, we can't afford a cleaner). DS will come with me to the shop so DH can work on the garden, then we'll take a break and wander over the road for a picnic lunch (if the weather is nice) and let DS blow off some steam. Sunday's we try to do 'something'. A big walk, feed the ducks, visit relatives, park, softplay etc. Rarely would just one of us go.
If, however, my friends asked me to come out for lunch or drinks of an evening, I'd obviously not take DS or DH. But I only go out maybe once a month or so. Same for DH. We do lots of family stuff at weekends.

ohhelloitsyou · 05/07/2019 12:17

I consider the weekends family time because we both work during the week so usually anything I organise involves DP and the kids. If I’m doing something to build my own friendships then I organise it with just myself and the other adults I’m friends with.
She probably finds it odd that everyone else brings their husband but you don’t. It’s just different dynamics/different strokes for different folks. It’s not necessarily weird but I do think you are old enough to make friends with the husband too not just the other mums. Try inviting your husband... they might surprise you and get along.

roundtable · 05/07/2019 12:34

Rightly or wrongly when women don't go anywhere without their dh I tend to presume they're in an abusive relationship or have social difficulties.

However, the circumstances you've described with your neighbour, it seems like she's trying to engineer a friendship between your husbands so you can hang out in a foursome. Which might be nice or not.

DecomposingComposers · 05/07/2019 12:58

I've been really thinking about this. I think where the neighbour went wrong is in accepting the invitations without saying explicitly that her husband would be going and then the OP could decline (although she could still cancel the zoo trip).

I think though the OP would still have an issue. It doesn't seem to be that she is only upset about being made to be the 3rd wheel but more that the neighbour won't agree to spending time alone with her. That really isn't something that the OP has any control over though is it? If she doesn't want to associate with the husband then she needs to say so. If the neighbour refuses to go without her husband then that's really all there is to it.

They just both see their relationships differently, which is fine.

Quintella · 05/07/2019 13:05

I think the OP said she'd let the whole thing go pages and pages ago.

DecomposingComposers · 05/07/2019 13:07

Right, but the discussion here is on going isn't it?

MarthasGinYard · 05/07/2019 13:07

'If she doesn't want to associate with the husband then she needs to say so.'

Tad dramatic

She quite happily 'associates' with the DH from what I've read.

She just would have appreciated a heads up on the trip out she thought was just the neighbour and dc.

MarthasGinYard · 05/07/2019 13:08

'I've been really thinking about this.'

Clearly

DecomposingComposers · 05/07/2019 13:13

MarthasGinYard

But that's what I said wasn't it? That the only thing I can see that the neighbour did wrong was in not stating clearly that her husband would be going.

If the OP only has an issue with not being forewarned what is the point of the thread title AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband? That sounds like its a problem with husband's being included, regardless of whether the OP was told or not.

Maybe the invitations should have been " DH and I are going to the zoo/park, do you and DH want to join us"? I wonder if the OP would have gone then, in an attempt to firm a friendship or if she would have written it off from the get go?

Quintella · 05/07/2019 13:30

Some people really do like to obsess over a thread.

DecomposingComposers · 05/07/2019 13:34

Yeah, some people are stuck at home due to.illness so use this as a distraction.

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