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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
dodgeballchamp · 03/07/2019 19:36

I really do worry for people who can’t be apart from their husbands. What about you as an individual and when you want to talk ABOUT him, not to him? What if he leaves or dies and you have no friends? Not healthy at all imo

HalyardHitch · 03/07/2019 19:40

I'm happy to meet up with friends at the weekend without kids. But if kids come, so does dh. He only gets to see them two weekends a month so I wouldn't take the kids away from him. That said, we might sometimes take one child each.

Just see your friend separately to the kids.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2019 19:42

I find it as weird that you would actively try to spend time apart from your husband
Meh. I love my husband, our marriage is good. However my volunteer work means 5 weekends away a year, I can't go to his weekly pub meet as we have a child to look after, when he sees his mates and they talk Marvel I'd rather not be there, when I talsee my mates and we talk about random nonsense he doesn't particularly want to be there. I love spending time with him and DS but there's nothing wring with having your own interests and friends

Calloway · 03/07/2019 19:44

People who refuse to attend any social event without their spouse are pitiful creatures.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 19:47

What if he leaves or dies and you have no friends?

If he dies, I will be grateful I spent as much time with him as I could whilst he was alive.
Where do you get that I have no friends? I have plenty, mainly married with kids and we see the whole group when we spend weekends or parties with each other.

People who refuse to attend any social event without their spouse are pitiful creatures.
Grin Grin Grin
you tell yourself that if it makes you feel better. Some of us are just very happy with our partners and prefer partying with them. Why do you even care unless it touches some kind of nerves?

It's amazing how judgmental and bitter some posters come across on these threads.

Calloway · 03/07/2019 19:49

It indicates they don't trust their partner to be left alone or they haven't developed their own personality adequately so lean on their husband/wife at all times.

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 19:50

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019

You haven't answered my questions...I'm very curious, can you go shopping without your husband?

Calloway · 03/07/2019 19:51

Some of us are just very happy with our partners and prefer partying with them.

But the OP was describing a trip to the park. Banal everyday trips. Is that really your definition of 'partying'?

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 19:54

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 any friends pre kids?

I don’t believe friends that you solely meet in couples are close friends.

Also to be clear whether the park or the zoo I’m talking about 1-3hrs away from the house max, not whole day trips.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 03/07/2019 19:55

It’s more likely that the women and / or their husbands OP hangs out with work more than the usual 9-5 (or have monster commutes) and so weekends is the only family time they get. If OP doesn’t like it she can always find others who work similar hours to her. A 9-5’er can do things on weekday evenings without the kids.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 19:57

I think it is emotionally unhealthy to spend all your time with your husband. I love spending time with my DP. But we also have our own interests and do our own thing.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 19:59

Teddybear45 wrong they work the same hours as me, similar commutes within London

OP posts:
jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:00

@Teddybear45 I didn't used to be able to do things in evenings after getting home from work, I still saw some friends without DP at weekends. But then I value my friendships.

Biancadelrioisback · 03/07/2019 20:07

Hmm....trips to the zoo, DH would want to come too, but to the local park, he wouldn't be bothered unless he hadn't seen DS and I much for whatever reason (sometimes he works late so doesn't see us on the evenings).
Both DH and I work FT, as do all the couple's we know. Group get togethers are usually stated. Or we would ask if anyone minded.
DH and I do do most things together such as food shops etc.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:08

Calloway
partying or family outings - I equally prefer to be with my DH.
I am not sure why it's such a shocking concept for some? I also like spending time with my kids, it won't be long before they prefer being with friends and start travelling around, so I am making the most of it now, they are little for such a short time. So what?

DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 20:08

The husband is perfectly nice but I find that with the him there the chat tends to stay very basic/ neighbour like:

But maybe that's how this neighbour wants it to stay. Maybe she doesn't bwant a bff. Why can't you just live and let live? Perhaps there are things about your relationship that they think are weird.

Why do some people think they have the right to judge how others conduct their relationships? So long as all involved bare happy it really is no one else's business is it?

MaryPopppins · 03/07/2019 20:08

Weekday - mums only.

Weekends dads too. But I check when invited if their husbands are going as DH doesn't want to be the only one.

But it's the weekend. We want time together. And it's nice for them to make dad friends.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:09

It indicates they don't trust their partner to be left alone or they haven't developed their own personality adequately so lean on their husband/wife at all times.

wow, if that's what you believe it's actually depressing. What a grim vision of a couple who have different priorities than you.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:11

@decomposing What is the point of meeting up with people regularly if the talk stays at a polite superficial level?

DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 20:11

OP why not ask the neighbour tondo something just the two of you, without children?

Calloway · 03/07/2019 20:12

wow, if that's what you believe it's actually depressing.

It's what I've seen and yes it is depressing.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:13

So this weekend I will be with DP most of the weekend, but plan to visit nearby a friend who is pretty much housebound for a coffee. I am sure DP can manage without me for 2 hours. And if he was too pathetic to, I would not be with him.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 20:13

But maybe that's how this neighbour wants it to stay. Maybe she doesn't bwant a bff. Why can't you just live and let live

True - for me those conversations are a little dull after a while and a real friendship won’t form.

OP posts:
Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 20:14

DecomposingComposers I worded the zoo invite “you plus daughter” and she asked if her DH can come. It’s agiven now he comes everywhere

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 03/07/2019 20:15

Dh works hard and is out of the house getting back 7.30 8 ish. Weekends his main time to see his wife and kids that’s very important to him. If I went off with another mum for a fun day at the zoo all day Sunday leaving him out it would be pretty mean and he would be abit hurt. We are not sad or joined at hip and do lots of independent stuff with our respective friends but not in that situation no. That the way we work and pretty much all the other families we know too.

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