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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:

DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 20:15

@jennymanara

Because currently they aren't friends are they? They are neighbours and acquaintances. I don't want to be bosom buddies with my neighbours, having cosy heart to hearts and baring my soul to them. I have friends for that.

My neighbours I like to keep on a friendly but arm's length basis. This would be my idea of a nightmare - a neighbour trying to invegle their way in to my life and wanting a completely different type of friendship to the one I felt comfortable with. Maybe this neighbour is happy for the children to be friends and just wants to keep things superficial with the OP.

Biancadelrioisback · 03/07/2019 20:15

Why are so many people on here assuming that mum's don't work and dads do?

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:17

@independent Give this "friendship" up as a no go. You are wasting your time with her sadly.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:17

It's what I've seen and yes it is depressing.

You might need to go out a bit more, because it's the complete opposite of my own experience.

DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 20:18

Independentlondoner

But maybe the DH is going because he wants to spend time with his daughter? So why don't you invite her out without the children?

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:20

@decomposing Okay you are talking about play dates then, not friendships. If something was a play date, then that should be up front.

Evilspiritgin · 03/07/2019 20:21

Usually on mn if a dh is that involved with his wife life people find it a red flag ,

To pp who does absolutely everything with her husband, please get yourself some friends of your own as if you are only friends with couples like yourselves it’s amazing how quickly you can be dumped from a great height when your dh dies, I’m talking from experience when in other women’s eyes you become a predatory woman, when in reality you wouldn’t touch their husbands with a barge pole

Awaywiththefairies27 · 03/07/2019 20:22

It's the life we have. We have four children, two have autism. We don't go out for any adult things together. Appointments we obviously do alone, DH pops to the shops for us when we need it, we mainly do online shopping.

We haven't been on a date since before DC1 was born, we can't, we have no one to babysit. We both work from home for the same business' that we own together. DH has friends he sees on his own, its rare because he doesn't enjoy it anymore. All his friends drink and he doesn't.

I love spending time with him and vice versa. We dont get bored of each other. I dont think it's weird or unreasonable at all. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

formerbabe · 03/07/2019 20:22

If I went off with another mum for a fun day at the zoo all day Sunday leaving him out it would be pretty mean and he would be abit hurt

God, I'd find that level of neediness completely intolerable. I regularly go out for a day trip on the weekends with my sister and our dc. Our husbands don't blink an eye at this.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:23

I think it is very weird.

Calloway · 03/07/2019 20:24

You might need to go out a bit more, because it's the complete opposite of my own experience.

Of course you'll say that.

But I've specifically referred to people who refuse to attend any social event without their spouse. It's sad and indicates deep insecurity, in either their relationship or their ability to operate as an independent adult. Of course it can be due to a relationship where one of the two is very controlling and does not allow their spouse to socialise independently.

SrSteveOskowski · 03/07/2019 20:28

I completely with you OP. I can't understand couples who are joined at the hip and can't seem to do anything on their own.

SIL waits until her DH is on a day off and then they have to go to the supermarket together and do the grocery shop together.
They both drive and have a car each. Technically she's a SAHM, but her kids are 15 and 17 now, so I don't know how longer she can get away with calling herself that.

She doesn't allow her DH out on his own. Anywhere. Not even to the local old man's pub.

My DH (her brother) is going abroad with a few friends to a sports event next month. She was horrified when I heard and asked me "You're LETTING him go?" I told her he was a big boy now and didn't need my 'permission' anymore than I would need his.

Krisskrosskiss · 03/07/2019 20:29

Why are people so judgemental about this? It's not 'better' or more 'healthy' to spend lots of time apart from your spouse... it's just a personal choice! The only important thing is that you and your spouse are on the same page about it so neither of you feels suffocated or abandoned because they dont have the same views about how much time to spend together. End of the day it's no ones business.
I like to spend as much time as possible with my husband and he with me... that's just how our personalities are... its not insecurity or codependency. I'd survive fine on my own... I just LIKE to be with him. I know plenty of people who have totally separate friendship groups and interests to their spouse and they seem very happy together still... good for them! That's not for me and my personality though.
I dont get why people get so judgemental about this.
There are plenty of people put there in the world with kids. If you dont like the way a certain couple are always together you are under no obligation to continue trying to be friends with them but constantly judging them and wondering if they are going to 'see the light' and start behaving more like you would!!
Just find some friends who dont want to do lots of things with their husbands then you will be fine.
You dont need to waste your time lamenting over other peoples personal relationship choices.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:31

So all those saying they go nowhere without their husband - do you ever see your own mum or dad without your husband?

sparkleandsunshine · 03/07/2019 20:32

I get where you’re coming from, but I just work part time as do my mum friends, so we hang out in the week just us, plus I still go out in the evenings every now and then with my friends to get some socialising without watching a toddler, and my husband and I happily do that both apart and together- I would be put off a friendship with someone who always has to bring their husband.
BUT saying that, my husband works long hours with a commute 5 days a week and when those weekends come round we prefer to spend it as family time, because it feels very limited and I’m very aware that my husband feels he misses out on a lot of stuff.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:33

Calloway
can you be any more narrow-minded? Sometimes it's just people who enjoy each other company. Why would I want to go to social events without my DH?

And to the poster who find a husband "needy" because he prefers to spend time with his own child at the weekend? Seriously? So mothers are allowed to be with their kids but not the dad? How ridiculous is that point of view?

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:33

@Krisskrosskiss People are judgemental because it shows there is a real issue. We are all just strangers, so of course you can do what you want. But it does not make it right.
And do you think those of us in more healthy relationships don't like spending time with our partners?

sonjadog · 03/07/2019 20:33

The problem with couples that do absolutely everything together, is that in the end one of them will end up being on their own, be it through death, divorce or whatever. If you have lived completely dependent on the other person for everything, then it can be extremely difficult to adapt to life alone. Some people never really manage it. I can understand people who want to spend most of their time with their partner, but I think it is really important to never become completely dependent on another person.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:34

So all those saying they go nowhere without their husband - do you ever see your own mum or dad without your husband?

what a ridiculous question

In my case, the answer is no, or very rarely.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:36

It is needy to be visibly sad that your partner is going somewhere with a friend when you are not welcome.

Calloway · 03/07/2019 20:36

Why would I want to go to social events without my DH?

Why wouldn't you? Would the sky fall in if your oldest female friends asked you out for a drink solo? Would you have an utterly miserable time without your human security blanket there with you?

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:37

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 I find that very very sad

Original poster

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 20:37

The idea that you like spending time with your partner means you want to spend ALL your time with your partner is odd. I like my best friends, my sister, my husband, my nephew, my niece but to spend ALL my free time with one them would do my head in.

OP posts:

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:38

Would you have an utterly miserable time without your human security blanket there with you?

I honestly would love to see what your relationship looks like in real life, you are priceless. And weirdly VERY involved in how other people chose to live.

Original poster

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 20:38

For those that only socialise with their partners, don’t you feel you miss out on deeper friendships. Talking to your girlfriends about their problems and vice versa?

OP posts:

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