Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
MonkeyTrap · 03/07/2019 20:39

I agree. I have a friend that can’t socialise without her DH and it’s wearing. Sometimes you want a good chat and bitch about your husband with just women!

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:39

@that25 And I think your relationship sounds very unhealthy and there will be underlying reason why you think this type of relationship is a good one. It really is not.

Calloway · 03/07/2019 20:40

Shock your parents and drop in for a visit all by yourself. Like a big girl.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:41

@Independentlondoner I suspect they don't see the issue, because they will not have any deep friendships. All their emotional investment and needs is in their DP.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:41

jennymanara
my folks live on such a long flight away that we make every visit a proper holiday. I don't like to holiday without my husband, I could, but I don't want to.

Why would that bother complete strangers is beyond me.

What's clear in this thread is that many posters project and have a very strange view of what other people relationship can be - when they basically have not the slightest clue, but if they judge based on their own experience, they must have a depressing life.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:42

And I would be very sad to have married kids who I never ever see again without their wife or husband.

amymel2016 · 03/07/2019 20:42

If it is a weekend get together then I would always assume it’s the full family. Both me and DH work all week so the weekend is the only time we are together, all our friends are the same.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:42

For those that only socialise with their partners, don’t you feel you miss out on deeper friendships. Talking to your girlfriends about their problems and vice versa?

you do know you can talk with someone without involving everybody in the house when you visit or have friends over don't you?

I'd love to see the movie that is currently running in some people's head, I don't think it's remotely close to what my real life is.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:43

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 You have made it very clear in previous comments that this has nothing to do with practicalities. You just think that every social visit with family or friends should involve your husband.

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:45

@that25c So you leave your husband by himself in another room then?

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:46

jennymanara
You just think that every social visit with family or friends should involve your husband.

I don't think anything of the sort, there's no should. I just do what I prefer, you do what you want - not sure why you feel you have the right and enough info to judge me.

I like spending time with my DH, so that's what I do. Why do people bother getting married if that something they cannot comprehend?

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 20:46

you do know you can talk with someone without involving everybody in the house when you visit or have friends over don't you?

It’s not the same and if you think it is then I think you lack some close friendships.

OP posts:
Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 20:47

Tbh we harp on at women on mn who aren’t financially independent for the fear of if their partner leaves them- I think we should all be socially independent too.
(Doesn’t mean you can’t spend time with your partners)

OP posts:
Tanfastic · 03/07/2019 20:48

I wouldn't involve myself in this friendship. I prefer to meet up with my friends and our kids with just us. I'll do family stuff with husband another weekend. Also there are two days in a weekend. One spent doing my family stuff with dh, the other day with my mum mate and kids. Or I mix it up a bit.

Just like I wouldn't want to hang out with him when he goes fishing with his mate and takes ds Confused

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 20:48

@that25c - I am going out with my DP now so will leave you to this. But I have been thinking if how you are posting here - your style. You seem very emotionally flat in how you are posting. No idea if you are like that in real life. But sometimes that can be a result of pushing our real feelings down.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:49

It’s not the same and if you think it is then I think you lack some close friendships.

and I think that sadly you cannot comprehend that you can have the best of both worlds sometimes. I am not 100% sure what people imagine, but I am pretty sure it's very far from what real life is.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 20:50

The best of both worlds is exactly what I’m advocating- spending time with all the people in your life

OP posts:
that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 20:51

jennymanara
I am not taking the bait and see no reason to be angry because I find your comments predictable and amusing.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 03/07/2019 20:51

My sister is like this. It's tedious in the extreme. I cut people like this off, tbh, irritating as hell.

Imustbemad00 · 03/07/2019 20:52

I have read multiple times that mum meet ups are weekdays. What about mums that work?!
The people that like to spend weekends with their partners when both of you work... you’re making it sound set in stone. Like, do you mean every single weekend? So you wouldn’t consider doing your own thing with your own friends occasionally.
I can’t imagine not having my own friendships and independence.
Surely it’s also nice if one takes the kids out with friends so the other has a bit of free time?
I have a friend who brings her husband. Completely spoils the dynamic and I’ve always viewed it as a controlling thing to be honest.

Krisskrosskiss · 03/07/2019 20:53

Not everyone wants close friendships. Not everyone is the same! And not everyone defines close friendships in the same way.
I'm massively introverted tbh. I prefer wandering round by myself. Reading, listening to music, drawing.
I like to spend time with my husband a lot and really that's to do with him being exactly the same as me and knowing that I'm not going to be under pressure to have intense conversations. I feel relaxed around him. In fact he was my closest friend for ten years before we were even in a relationship. We have the same friendship circle mostly.
I do have a lot of friends and I do socialise with people but I dont like intense one on one scenarios. I find it incredibly draining to be someones sole focus. When my husband is there we can take it in turns to keep the conversation going and it's much less draining.

Pinkmalinky · 03/07/2019 20:56

During the week I wouldn’t expect husbands to come along but at weekends I can understand. If your OH works long hours it’s normal to want to spend the whole weekend together.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 03/07/2019 21:00

I'd bring my DH to organised weekend events with family time in mind.

saraclara · 03/07/2019 21:01

we harp on at women on mn who aren’t financially independent for the fear of if their partner leaves them- I think we should all be socially independent too.

Yes! I'm sure a lot of us have come across people who simply fall apart when their partner dies. It's absolutely vital that we are able to function alone as well as as part of a team of two.

As for never visiting one's parents alone, that sounds sad. I deliberately encouraged my late husband to visit his (lovely) parents alone occasionally. I thought it was important for them to have their son to themselves sometimes, even though I knew they were very fond of me. Though I like my daughters' partners very much, I still love having little outings with my kids alone. We even go away for the occasional weekend together with their partners' blessings. It's nice to sit and share things together (and not bore their partners with our little reminscings of their youth and childhood)

NorwegianButter · 03/07/2019 21:03

There seems to be an underlying supposition on this thread that women meet up with women to exchange personal confidences and develop friendships, whereas if the boring old husband tags along, it’s superficial chit chat about extensions, and he’s basically a nuisance. Don’t any of you have close male friends that you see with or without their partners/spouses?

Swipe left for the next trending thread