AIBU not to extend a peace offering?

[onko]

My sister died in January; we were best mates and saw each other a lot which resulted in me having great relationships with her 2 children (they are now 19 and 20). I have a 21 month old daughter, a great husband and I work full time. I’ve also been managing all the admin associated with my sister’s death singlehandedly.

So things were as ok as they could have been up until 4 weeks ago when the FDs started chasing payment for the funeral bill. I let the two children and my other sister (who is also an executor) know this via our whatsapp group. My sister jumped in first and said we should pay it and asked if it could come from the estate. I said no as there were insufficient liquid assets. My sister said she would pay the bill and I said ‘cheers for this; I don’t have that kind of cash’. My niece then said ‘OMG thanks that’s so lovely of you xxxx’. Worried that my niece thought my sister had actually paid for the funeral rather than cover it until the estate has been settled, I quickly followed up with ‘I think the estate will be able to pay you back in approx. Sept’.

And that is the last I have heard from my niece. Immediately before this we were (I was) in the process of arranging a birthday night out for my niece and, her 21st birthday present, a memorial event on my sister’s birthday and a big family outing to our home town to scatter her ashes. I was also giving her careers advice. I have sent 7 texts, 2 emails and 2 voicemails and 6 messages on the whatsapp group about legal stuff which have all been ignored.

I have gradually been suspecting the worst and three nights ago my fears were confirmed. I spoke to my nephew to ask if he knew if there was a problem with my niece’s phone or if there was any other reason she wasn’t getting back to me and he confirmed that she wasn’t very happy that I had decided that ‘they’ (the children) would pay for the funeral and that I should be contributing to the costs. I asked why she hasn’t talked to me about this and he said she doesn’t really trust me any more.

I was livid and let rip on the phone, telling him she was 100% in the wrong and she should consult any adult she chooses to find out how things work when someone dies. I moaned about having given loads of my time to sorting out her affairs and that she may have gotten away with appalling behaviour with her Mum but I will not tolerate being blanked. I said I was disgusted with her expectation that she thinks she can inherit a massive sum from someone dying and yet others will cover the costs and, quite frankly, if she doesn’t think I am trustworthy then I don’t want to know her. My nephew was silent in all of this and I eventually pulled myself together, apologised for the rant and said I’d better go then hung up.

He was very upset by my reaction and called my other sister for help. He had obviously told my niece what I had said and she is now upset with him because he has made the situation massively worse. Apparently she sent him a bitter, passive aggressive text to say she now felt the lowest she had felt all year and has stopped returning his calls/messages. He is quite concerned about her (she has been depressed in the past and self-harmed in her teens). My sister has sent her a text and a vm which has been unanswered.

My sister has said she thinks I now need to extend an olive branch to my niece and she thinks I have overreacted a little bit to being blanked. I’m sorry but FUCK THAT. My niece is by no means all bad but had been a MASSIVE BITCH to her mum especially for the last 12 months and even during her last, dying days (she only pulled herself together 2 weeks from my sister’s death). My sister was always, IMO, ridiculously lenient with my niece’s behaviour (which got worse as she got older – really nasty and manipulative at times) and always apologised for her part in their arguments in order to set a good example and not completely fall out with her, despite my niece being about 95% in the wrong at all times. As a result she is used to getting away with bad behaviour and is now playing the injured party.

I don’t really have a plan about how this will go but I am adamant that I am NOT going to give a peace offering. I will almost certainly forgive my niece and let this blow over if she apologises unreservedly but right now she can stew in her juices. AIBU?

She is being a bitch, but she (and presumably your nephew) have just lost their mum.
However I don't know what the answer is. You and your sister shouldnt just pay.

sorry, should have added that the children are the only beneficiaries to my sister's will

And I'm really really sorry for the loss of your sister. It must still be very raw.

Most funeral directors are happy to wait for the estate to be settled to get their payment.

Such a horrible situation. I do think of course that the funeral should be paid for by the estate. Maybe you could write/email your niece and explain things that way?

How much did Niece/Nephew inherit?

Your niece was BU for expecting you and sis to pay for the funeral. Has sis confirmed she is just covering the bill until estate is sorted?

But I don’t think you ships have let rip at nephew unless he was also expecting you and sis to pay for funeral?

Put your hard hat on OP though you’re going to get a rough ride.

She is bu. And maybe one day she will realise. I would reach out and let her know how much u love and care for her. And how u want her to be ok. Makesure she knows your door is open. Only because she is young and has just lost her mum. You dont have to admit fault (not that u have fault to admit) and u dont have to apologise. But a text saying u love her and are there for her might be reasonable under the circumstance. She has lost her mum she might just be angry at the world and u are close to her so getting the brunt of it. Hard as it is dont take it personally

The FD should have gone to them as beneficiaries, not you

I think you’re all hurting from the loss of your sister/their Mum.

While I do agree with you about the funeral payment and DN attitude I think you should try and call a truce with her. Nobody has to apologise, but she has to understand the payment comes from the estate, then you can all draw a line and move on.

Horrible situation, perhaps you could point out that there’s a space on the probate form for funeral costs, making them exempt of IHT so the clear expectation is that the estate pays them.

Given that she’s just lost her mum at a very young age, I’d cut her some slack, especially if she has a history of mental health issues. And it was you who lost it and ranted at your nephew. I honestly think that you’re the one who needs to apologise.

I feel emotions are high all round. It must be so hard to bury your sister, It must also be awfully hard for your niece and nephew to lose their mum at such a young age.

I think you were out of order venting your frustrations at your nephew, of course he was going to go back and tell his sister. You as the more adult of the adults should be setting the example.
Of course it was cheeky for your niece to expect your sister to cover funeral costs rather than the estate...I feel had you all had a proper conversation about this rather than sending texts back and forth there may not have been quite so much confusion.
Go and see your niece and nephew, check they are doing ok. Arrange for the four of you to sit down over coffee and explain the ins and out. If she doesn't respond perhaps organise a meeting through the solicitor with which the will sits?

To be honest, I'd feel exactly as you do, OP. And she lost her Mum, you lost your sister. You are both grieving a terrible loss.

It sounds like your niece is very used to having things very much her way, and has not been brought up to think of others, and of course, in the current situation is much less likely to do so.

She has lost her mum. You have lost a sister.
Don’t let money get in the way ....be the bigger person

I agree with @Alsohuman. Make the peace; she's young and has just lost her mum. One day she will understand. And your nephew didn't deserve the rant. But - I'll make this clear - I would've done exactly the same as you in your shoes. It's still raw. Very sorry for your loss OP, hope you can all get through this.

Perhaps it would be worth the executors -as a group - sending an email to all members of the family saying that there seems to have been a misunderstanding and that law of probate works by settling things in order ie outstanding debts, tax bills and funeral costs, after which any remaining funds are divided as per the will.

And I feel for you. Being an executor is a thankless task.

This is a very raw and painful time. Don’t make any rash decisions. I think you would regret it if this led to a permanent falling out

You’re right but also she’s lost her mum. At 21 you don’t know how these things work

the children are the only beneficiaries to my sister's will

Who is the executor? The executor settles any outstanding debts, which will include the funeral costs.

She has lost her mum. It doesn’t matter what their relationship was like before the death, it doesn’t matter that you’re feeling sad too, her loss is incomparably worse than yours and by reducing yourself to a child in your reaction you have made things worse. Did your sister want you to be the executor of her will? If so I suggest thinking very carefully about how she might have wanted you to handle this.

As for paying for the funeral, yes I would try to do this for any of my siblings to ensure their kids got the maximum out of the estate as possible. If you or your sister aren’t in a financial position to do this it isn’t your neice’s fault. You and your sister are the last living reminders of her mum, both of you need a massive reality dose about how to deal with your sister’s family more sensitively.

OP, that sounds so awful, loosing your sister.

It sounds complicated.
You are grieving and trying to sort out your sister's affairs, which is a huge ask, with all you have going on in your own life.

Your niece has form and you know this because of her treatment of your sister over the years.

Yes, she is grieving, but she is almost 21.
A bit old for bratty behaviour.

Yet cute enough to be aware that it would be to her advantage financially if someone else pays for her mother's funeral 🤔🙄.

I think you are correct. She has some cheek and given her past behaviour I think you are absolutely right in your position.

I think you also perhaps want to lay down some boundaries with her......that you will not put up with the treatment she gave her mother.

I think this is wise.

You can say to your nephew that you are there for your niece when she comes to her senses.

But olive branch, apologising??
Absolutely not.

Not a Chance would I offer a fucking olive branch.. she's 21 not 12 OP.

She's a teenager who just lost her mum. She may be a brat, but now is hardly the time to complete a character assassination. She obviously has no clue how estates and wills and funerals work and has got unrealistic expectations. Perhaps having to pay for the funeral has jolted her into the realisation that there is nobody taking care of things for her anymore, in the way that her mum might have previously taken care of legal things or financial decisions. Perhaps when she thought you and her other aunty would pay the bill, that felt more familiar and comforting; more like being a kid whilst the adults take care of the big stuff. Hey, maybe she's just a brat. Either way, I think it's not the time to dig in your heals and teach her a lesson. The "she may have got away with this with her mum" comment was particularly cruel.

I don't think you are wrong to be miffed about her blanking you, and obviously you're not wrong about estate paying the funeral costs, but I am inclined to agree with your other sister that you have massively overreacted and need to offer an olive branch. Think about what your sister would want and how she would hope for you to treat her kids whilst they deal with probably the biggest loss they will ever face.

So she’s inheriting a fair amount but doesn’t think this should cover her mother’s funeral? Ffs what a selfish brat.

Sorry, just noticed she's the 20 year old not the 19 year old. Not that it makes a huge difference IMO.

I think you should have only discussed this with co executor, or in person. These nieces don't know how thing work. You are all grieving and temper will be short but they have lost most.
You should try to build bridges