AIBU not to extend a peace offering?

[onko]

My sister died in January; we were best mates and saw each other a lot which resulted in me having great relationships with her 2 children (they are now 19 and 20). I have a 21 month old daughter, a great husband and I work full time. I’ve also been managing all the admin associated with my sister’s death singlehandedly.

So things were as ok as they could have been up until 4 weeks ago when the FDs started chasing payment for the funeral bill. I let the two children and my other sister (who is also an executor) know this via our whatsapp group. My sister jumped in first and said we should pay it and asked if it could come from the estate. I said no as there were insufficient liquid assets. My sister said she would pay the bill and I said ‘cheers for this; I don’t have that kind of cash’. My niece then said ‘OMG thanks that’s so lovely of you xxxx’. Worried that my niece thought my sister had actually paid for the funeral rather than cover it until the estate has been settled, I quickly followed up with ‘I think the estate will be able to pay you back in approx. Sept’.

And that is the last I have heard from my niece. Immediately before this we were (I was) in the process of arranging a birthday night out for my niece and, her 21st birthday present, a memorial event on my sister’s birthday and a big family outing to our home town to scatter her ashes. I was also giving her careers advice. I have sent 7 texts, 2 emails and 2 voicemails and 6 messages on the whatsapp group about legal stuff which have all been ignored.

I have gradually been suspecting the worst and three nights ago my fears were confirmed. I spoke to my nephew to ask if he knew if there was a problem with my niece’s phone or if there was any other reason she wasn’t getting back to me and he confirmed that she wasn’t very happy that I had decided that ‘they’ (the children) would pay for the funeral and that I should be contributing to the costs. I asked why she hasn’t talked to me about this and he said she doesn’t really trust me any more.

I was livid and let rip on the phone, telling him she was 100% in the wrong and she should consult any adult she chooses to find out how things work when someone dies. I moaned about having given loads of my time to sorting out her affairs and that she may have gotten away with appalling behaviour with her Mum but I will not tolerate being blanked. I said I was disgusted with her expectation that she thinks she can inherit a massive sum from someone dying and yet others will cover the costs and, quite frankly, if she doesn’t think I am trustworthy then I don’t want to know her. My nephew was silent in all of this and I eventually pulled myself together, apologised for the rant and said I’d better go then hung up.

He was very upset by my reaction and called my other sister for help. He had obviously told my niece what I had said and she is now upset with him because he has made the situation massively worse. Apparently she sent him a bitter, passive aggressive text to say she now felt the lowest she had felt all year and has stopped returning his calls/messages. He is quite concerned about her (she has been depressed in the past and self-harmed in her teens). My sister has sent her a text and a vm which has been unanswered.

My sister has said she thinks I now need to extend an olive branch to my niece and she thinks I have overreacted a little bit to being blanked. I’m sorry but FUCK THAT. My niece is by no means all bad but had been a MASSIVE BITCH to her mum especially for the last 12 months and even during her last, dying days (she only pulled herself together 2 weeks from my sister’s death). My sister was always, IMO, ridiculously lenient with my niece’s behaviour (which got worse as she got older – really nasty and manipulative at times) and always apologised for her part in their arguments in order to set a good example and not completely fall out with her, despite my niece being about 95% in the wrong at all times. As a result she is used to getting away with bad behaviour and is now playing the injured party.

I don’t really have a plan about how this will go but I am adamant that I am NOT going to give a peace offering. I will almost certainly forgive my niece and let this blow over if she apologises unreservedly but right now she can stew in her juices. AIBU?

Sevenoftwelve
Yours is the only post I am compelled to address. All others have been fair. But How really harsh you are. I am by no means point scoring and am in no way cutting her off (I have said that I am absolutely prepared to forgive her but finding it hard to make the first step).

I have given enormous amounts of my time to them both and to their paperwork this year, mostly my niece helping her with her grief and her guilt and because I work full time (and started a new job in jan (ie really terrible timing) the time I have given has been limited to evenings and weekends ie time I should be spending with my 21 month old daughter.

FRO with your sanctimonious pontificating.

Developmentally we are not adults until 25.

Is there a sound evidence base for that?

She is behaving like a brat regardless of losing her mother.
No way would I be extending an olive branch in fact I would seriously be thinking of withdrawing as an executor and leaving her entitled arse to sort it out.

She has been told how the process works. Confirmation is very easily available online. Her brother who younger and who has also lost his mother is not being appalling.

Leave her be. She's in no mood to respond to any olive branch anyway.

Your role is to be open to her olive branch when it eventually comes.

From what you've written about the history it looks like she's trying to scam extra money out of the rest of you by throwing a tantrum until someone gives her the cash she is demanding.

A lesson to us all, never ever give in to a toddler's tantrums because it only hurts them in the long run.

for you OP what a horrible situation for you

Below the belt @sevenoftwelve.

Gosh, I feel really sorry for the niece and nephew here.

I think you should just leave her alone. How she spends her inheritance is her own business.

Yes, she was wrong on the issue of funeral expenses, but I think you could have handled the situation with a bit more tact.

I think the birthday card you intend to send does come across as quite manipulative.

I think you need to work on calming yourself down about the whole situation.

In my experience, a bank will release funds to pay for funeral costs. If your sister had sufficiant liquid funds that could be worth persuing as executor. Just so your other sister is not out of pocket until the final grant is made.

Then, if your neice is still causing you more distress than you are willing to handle, you could point out to her that you could turn down being an executor and she would have to get a solicitor to do it and pay them.

You have lost your sister, have a new baby and full time employment. Doing the probate, although not too dificult, is time consuming and stressful. I am truly sorry for your loss, and for all the family to be in this situation.

Yes, your niece is young but she does sound extremely demanding and in the end you need to protect your family and child.

Your niece is behaving abysmally, and has form, but if her mother hadn't died and she'd grown out of it in a few years, you and your sister would be laughing about it "Gosh, remember when DN was being a total brat? I'm so glad she did XXX and grew up, she's lovely now!".

Yes she's being awful. Some of the things she said have stung you and you're justified in stepping away and not pandering to her.
But please give her a chance if she makes even the slightest effort. She may well grow up to be a decent person!
Lots of us regret how we behaved when we were immature and didn't know how the world worked (but thought we did).
She's using her shitty tactics on you and they're not working - maybe this will be the turning point. Or not. But give her the benefit of the doubt maybe. And she might carry on with this crap for a few years yet, frittering her inheritance and blaming you when she runs out of cash. It's always easier to direct your bile at family, they're stuck with you.
Fingers crossed her brother can talk some sense into her.
Oh, and YANBU. Time will tell.

Money and death are almost guaranteed to change relationships. It’s sad.

I don’t really know what to say. She must be so sad right now about her mum, her birthday, just everything!

Maybe leave it a couple of days and let nephew try to talk to her.

I feel sorry for him! He got it from all angles and did nothing wrong!

Cool off and stop drinking so much of other people’s wine!

You've both lost a dear and near relative, but she is very young. Barely an adult-a year in, most of which her mother was ill or dying. Apologise.

However I will send off her birthday card tomorrow with a note in it saying I’ll sort the present when she lets me know which one she wants me to get her

I think it's a bad idea to do this. You know she doesn't want to speak to you at the moment so sending a card with no present is unkind and sneaky. Either send her a present or don't.

Kyogre- unkind and sneaky? How so?
She had previously said what she wanted as a present but it was something q expensive and we agreed (before the funeral bill messages) that she would tell me the exact one she wanted. (3 of my unanswered messages/calls were me asking her to send me a link to the present. 3 others were about finalising arrangements for her meal.) I genuinely don’t want to be unkind or sneaky.

I'm not Kyogre, but the card reads as "I know you're not speaking to me right now, but unless you talk to me, you're not getting a birthday present".

I'm sure that's not your intention, but that is how it reads.

I just think you should listen to your nephew and give her some space to get her head together and give yourself some space to calm down. All the messages and pressure and anger are not helping things. I also think if the intention of the meeting with the solicitor is to make your point, then it's not a good idea. Can the niece and nephew not just meet with the solicitor on their own? I think it might be for the best if you graciously take a step back and leave the solicitor to handle the rest of the admin.

YANBU at all. It is absolutely tragic that you have lost your sister and your niece and nephew their mother. Nothing will ever take that pain away....apart from your niece not having to use her inheritance to pay for her mum's funeral that is.
All the people saying that she is just a helpless child who knows no better, no. She is a master manipulator who is skilled at using certain behaviours to get her own way. I was just beginning a teaching career at her age. Many people have been in the army for years and seen war, have married, had children of their own. 20/21 is not a child! If it were then the driving, drinking, smoking, voting, sexual consent etc age should be raised to 25.
OP, your niece knows exactly what she is doing and what she wants to achieve by doing it. This is repeated behaviour, demonstrated before she lost her lovely mum. Of course she is grieving after going through such a terrible, life-changing event but treating you badly and acting like a spoilt, greedy brat isn't a recognised sign of grief as far as I'm aware, it's just a sign of being a not-very-nice person.
I wouldn't pussy-foot around her. I would be open to discussions when she has grown up and is ready to apologise but I would not be able to make the first move I'm afraid. You did the right thing by apologising to your nephew and hopefully you can have a relationship going forward. Your niece needs to mind she doesn't push everyone away with her apppalling behaviour.

I just think the whole situation sounds really sad for everyone.

Could you and your sister step down as executors and pass it all onto a solicitor to deal with? You said that you aren't inheriting anything anyway, so I'd walk away from it and let niece and nephew deal with a solicitor (and pay the associated costs as well). Niece is never going to believe anything you do, and if there's a sale of property to be dealt with, then it's going to get even more messy if DN starts refusing reasonable offers because she wants more money. Just walk away.

Black cat sleeping
The meeting with the solicitor is just for the two of them.
The messages were sent over the course of the 4 weeks whilst she was blanking me , most before I even realised she was blanking me. that’s one of the reasons why I was so wound up merrily going about my way trying to plan a nice birthday girl her and an event for my sisters birthday and ashes scattering and all of this being ignored).

I don’t agree with you at all about the card. It is the best semblance of a peace offering that I can muster and is intended to portray that I haven’t forgotten about her present and all is not lost.

My anger is a different matter. I do need to cool off. I am still appalled by how badly she treated my sister when she was dying and how much effort I put in to help her through her guilt because of this (I swotted up for hours on grief counselling). My other sister didn’t speak to me tonight as she was too tired after ferrying her kids back from clubs etc and I can’t help but think how unfair it is for all this to be landing on me. I have not just given the bulk of my spare time this year to them but also the previous 3 months to my sister when she was dying and my selfish little niece spent all her time with her boyfriend barely even noticing that her mum couldn’t make it up the stairs anymore.
Think I will see if Occ Health can see me tomorrow. I cant cope with more sleepless nights. Nb I don’t usually have an anger problem. My nephew said he understood completely why I had a rant; he can empathise completely as he does have anger issues and has been sent spiralling many many times by his sisters behaviour and his mum being too lenient.

onko

I think your resentment about the time you have spent on this is unfair - did your sister ask you to be executor? Did you agree? If you were going to resent doing it why agree? And then having agreed why are you blaming your niece and nephew? It isn't their fault that you're in this situation is it? Surely there is some way for you to resign as executor if you resent it so much?

You're grieving the loss of your sister and obviously very hurt.
However, how would your sister feel? I would never forgive anyone for treating my child like this. She's just lost her mum. It's irrelevant that you think your sister was too soft on her, that was her choice. You shouldn't have agreed to be executor of the will if you didn't have time, you can't throw that you are busy back at her. Olive branch, you need to calm down and explain how much time it's taking, how hard it all it, how sad you are, she 21 that's so young still, depressed and acting up. Hope she's got someone around her who is making sure she doesn't do anything silly as by the sounds of it she's not speaking to anyone, depressed and locking herself away. I'd be worried not angry.

Time spent
Supporting them during the loss
Grief counselling
Helping sort out their stuff
Sorting problems out with their dad
Arranging the funeral
Travelling between my home and where they live
Planning nice things to do with them
Doing nice things with them.

One of my sisters children has (just) started to appreciate and understand the time I have spent on them. The other has not.
I have spent 3-4 days at a time not seeing my baby.
decomposing composers Do you really seriously think that is unreasonable?

"my selfish little niece spent all her time with her boyfriend barely even noticing that her mum couldn’t make it up the stairs anymore. "
Do you really believe that? That she didn't realise? Do you not realise that she just couldn't cope so his from the situation. You need to stay away from her because they way you speak about her is horrible and she has just lost her mum.

I do understand about the card. I’m just saying that may be how she would interpret it, so I wouldn’t send that message.

If the meeting is just for the two of them I’m not sure why you are getting so involved. They are old enough to manage it themselves.

You sound like you are in a tough place right now. I think you should focus on yourself and your health and leave the rest of them to it.

I also understand how unfair you are finding this situation, but I think it’s just too much for everyone right now. It’s needs some time and space.

Jenny35 please explain how I am treating my niece so badly that it is unforgivable. Out the blue she blanked me. Four 4 weeks. I found out the reason why and became cross and said a few things to the person that delivered the message. Now I am
pondering what best to do and looking hard at myself
Do you really feel I have behaved unforgivably
Out of order bringing my sister up as a way of guilt tripping me. My sister put up with her niece saying ‘oh I’m just waiting for you to play the cancer card’ the minute she started to hear something she didn’t like. The last time this was said was 5 days before we were told she was DNACPR. I helped my niece through this guilt without judgement. My sister would have been proud. She would also have supported me in knowing where the line had been crossed.