AIBU not to extend a peace offering?

[onko]

My sister died in January; we were best mates and saw each other a lot which resulted in me having great relationships with her 2 children (they are now 19 and 20). I have a 21 month old daughter, a great husband and I work full time. I’ve also been managing all the admin associated with my sister’s death singlehandedly.

So things were as ok as they could have been up until 4 weeks ago when the FDs started chasing payment for the funeral bill. I let the two children and my other sister (who is also an executor) know this via our whatsapp group. My sister jumped in first and said we should pay it and asked if it could come from the estate. I said no as there were insufficient liquid assets. My sister said she would pay the bill and I said ‘cheers for this; I don’t have that kind of cash’. My niece then said ‘OMG thanks that’s so lovely of you xxxx’. Worried that my niece thought my sister had actually paid for the funeral rather than cover it until the estate has been settled, I quickly followed up with ‘I think the estate will be able to pay you back in approx. Sept’.

And that is the last I have heard from my niece. Immediately before this we were (I was) in the process of arranging a birthday night out for my niece and, her 21st birthday present, a memorial event on my sister’s birthday and a big family outing to our home town to scatter her ashes. I was also giving her careers advice. I have sent 7 texts, 2 emails and 2 voicemails and 6 messages on the whatsapp group about legal stuff which have all been ignored.

I have gradually been suspecting the worst and three nights ago my fears were confirmed. I spoke to my nephew to ask if he knew if there was a problem with my niece’s phone or if there was any other reason she wasn’t getting back to me and he confirmed that she wasn’t very happy that I had decided that ‘they’ (the children) would pay for the funeral and that I should be contributing to the costs. I asked why she hasn’t talked to me about this and he said she doesn’t really trust me any more.

I was livid and let rip on the phone, telling him she was 100% in the wrong and she should consult any adult she chooses to find out how things work when someone dies. I moaned about having given loads of my time to sorting out her affairs and that she may have gotten away with appalling behaviour with her Mum but I will not tolerate being blanked. I said I was disgusted with her expectation that she thinks she can inherit a massive sum from someone dying and yet others will cover the costs and, quite frankly, if she doesn’t think I am trustworthy then I don’t want to know her. My nephew was silent in all of this and I eventually pulled myself together, apologised for the rant and said I’d better go then hung up.

He was very upset by my reaction and called my other sister for help. He had obviously told my niece what I had said and she is now upset with him because he has made the situation massively worse. Apparently she sent him a bitter, passive aggressive text to say she now felt the lowest she had felt all year and has stopped returning his calls/messages. He is quite concerned about her (she has been depressed in the past and self-harmed in her teens). My sister has sent her a text and a vm which has been unanswered.

My sister has said she thinks I now need to extend an olive branch to my niece and she thinks I have overreacted a little bit to being blanked. I’m sorry but FUCK THAT. My niece is by no means all bad but had been a MASSIVE BITCH to her mum especially for the last 12 months and even during her last, dying days (she only pulled herself together 2 weeks from my sister’s death). My sister was always, IMO, ridiculously lenient with my niece’s behaviour (which got worse as she got older – really nasty and manipulative at times) and always apologised for her part in their arguments in order to set a good example and not completely fall out with her, despite my niece being about 95% in the wrong at all times. As a result she is used to getting away with bad behaviour and is now playing the injured party.

I don’t really have a plan about how this will go but I am adamant that I am NOT going to give a peace offering. I will almost certainly forgive my niece and let this blow over if she apologises unreservedly but right now she can stew in her juices. AIBU?

Then don't do it, you can step down. Let someone take the pressure. And don't say no one else can, well then that will make them appreciate your help more. You are kicking off due to grief, it's not about the work. It's not about the fact that you had to nurse her and be there or that the daughter wasn't it's about the fact that the sister that you loved has died. You're rightly hurt and angry. Don't make it worse for everyone including yourself by destroying your relationship with the other people that your sister also loved.

I think your resentment of it is unreasonable yes.

I'm not saying that it's not hard on you, that you feel you're being pulled in a million different directions but it isn't their fault is it? You aren't running around helping them do something that they've chosen.

The way you're talking about it is as if they've demanded you ferry them around on nights out or something. Why isn't your other sister helping you do all this? If anyone is to blame for you shouldering this surely it's your co executor, not the bereaved children? They didn't ask you to be executor did they?

I'm sure, in time, they will be grateful for all that you've done, but not now while they're still grieving. Can you not put yourself in their shoes at all? If you feel that you can't do this then step aside. Don't do it with seething resentment. You'll end up falling out with your sister, your niece and nephew and probably taint your memories of your other sister too.

OP, I’m very sorry for your loss. The important thing to remember is that you are the adult in this situation. Legally and financially you are CORRECT and of course the estate pays funeral costs. The solicitor will explain this to her in due course. However, you are not RIGHT in getting into arguments with your nieces/nephews who have lost their mum.

Emotions are running high. Everyone is taking their grief/anger out on each other. But take a step back, trust that the solicitor will explain the legal situation to them, and decide as the adult that you will not let these arguments and relationships spiral out of control.

Find someone to vent to about your nieces behaviour if you need to, but don’t upset your sisters children when they’re so vulnerable. I have no doubt your niece is being awful, but you responding to her behaviour when your emotions are so high is going to make the situation so much worse for all of you.

The whole point is I am not kicking off. I’m coming here to vent and see other points of view before I take action. It has been really helpful apart from the odd sanctimonious arsehole dead set on kicking me when I’m down.

Decomposing composers I wasn’t resentful at all until it was thrown back
In my face. But do keep going.....

But you've posted in AIBU so you will get posters giving their opinions. You won't only get people agreeing with you.

You might not like what's being said but maybe if you could reflect on some of what is said, like Derbee post above you can limit the damage to the relationships in this family?

Right now I think there's a danger of the niece and nephew falling out as well because the nephew seems to be trying to keep the peace between you all. No doubt his sister resents it because she'll see it as him taking your side and you seem to resent him for taking her side.

Your niece, as bad as her behaviour is, also seems to be very vulnerable right now giving her mental health history. Honestly, I think you should tread carefully here. If you need to vent maybe do it outside of your family so that you can speak honestly without upsetting those directly concerned and without risking anything you say getting back to the individuals concerned.

I think talking to a counsellor at work is a good idea so that you can vent your feelings in a safe way.

Can you imagine how you would like your child treated if they were to lose you? How would you want their aunt to treat them?

for you. It's not easy trying to support bereaved children while you too are grieving.

OP, I think where you lose some sympathy from others is making personal comments about your niece. If you’ve said any of these things to her or your nephew about spending time with her boyfriend and not noticing her mum etc. That is very hurtful and unkind. Even if it’s true, and even if it’s how you feel, it’s not acceptable to say to kids who are grieving for their mum.

Again, I have no doubt that she’s awful, but you need to be less angry and personal, or the relationship won’t recover. They are your closest connection to the sister you will always miss, and it will be awful to let the relationship breakdown beyond repair. I’ve seen this in my own family.

Appreciate I am getting opinions. The few that aren’t helpful are those that have moved so much into conjecture and so far away from fact by posters who just want to support their initial assumptions. And by plain old pontification.

Derbee I’m not after support coming on this forum - I know the deal. I am just fucked off with people filling in gaps to support their argument. And people that simply cannot appreciate that I am ranting on here RATHER than vent to my niece. Of course I haven’t said that to them. But keep
Going.

I'm sorry about your sister.

In your shoes I might send a card, but I would not be offering presents to someone who was ignoring me. I think it's unkind to teach someone that they can treat you badly and be rewarded with gifts.

But you aren't just venting on here are you? You've ranted at your nephew, when he has done absolutely nothing wrong. Then you've phoned him to apologise and somehow said more things about his sister, which will no doubt get back to her again.

As a result of you "letting rip" at your nephew your sister has been dragged into the argument too. Can't you see how it's ramping up? Everyone is just lashing out, trying to offload the pain that they are feeling. Who else do the children have to support them? Are there any other relatives that can support them?

I'm sorry for your loss, but judging by the way you're treating these poor kids who've watched their mum die you have no idea what it's like to lose your mum as a teenager or 20 year old

I think sevenoftwelve - got a bit of a kicking for this post ^^.

I've been your niece, OP. It's really, really, really hard to lose a parent at that age. It took me years to get to a relatively even keel.

I think the loss of a parent can make you regress to an extent - not in all cases obviously - but the desire to be small again and have someone take care of you and take away the pain is very strong.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I have been in your niece's shoes and God, it's so, so hard. The posters calling her 'a brat' honestly make me want to cry for her.

That said, I'm hiding this thread now.

OP

Decomposing composers - most of what you have stated is incorrect.

In fact all of it is. Why are you making stuff up?

Good call hiding this thread neck pain. I wasn’t very much older than these kids when my dad died. But I’m sure the very small gap in years made all the difference In terms of my lack of ability to empathise

onko I'm not sure what I've made up. I've taken it from your posts but you obviously don't want anyone to disagree with you so I'll leave this thread now.

I hope your family can find peace and come to terms with the loss of a much loved mum and sister.

Onko, if you don’t take stock now, things will get worse. If you’re as quick to anger with your family as you are with random forums on mumsnet, you really need to find an outlet for your grief and anger that will bring you some peace.

Goodluck, and I’m sorry for your loss.

More conjecture decomposing composers ‘I obviously don’t want anyone to disagree with me’. I do want this and I have stated as much twice. I am thinking very hard about all the advice where people have taken the trouble to actually read and digest what I have posted and generally realise that I’m struggling and trying my hardest.

Not angry on random forums, just with specific posters who don’t read but keep on arguing.

Your DN is 20yo.
She just lost her DM and probably doesn't know or possibly understand what's going on especially with probate. I didn't see how long your dsis was ill but your DN and nephew must be heartbroken. Also you are dealing with less mature people.
I'm sorry for your loss OP. You sound strong and very loving.
I don't think an olive branch is what's required. It's possibly more mutual understanding.
With best regards

Is there any way you could offer to see her on her birthday? Doesn't need to be anything big, just a coffee and cake to let her know someone is thinking about her.

I don't know if she has other family, friends or a partner who will be with her, but it is potentially going to be a very lonely day for her.

You seem to be making this all about you. Be the bigger person.

I am a lawyer in the US. Here, the estate is responsible for funeral costs and at the end of the probate/succession proceeding, the executrix must file a list with the Court of all properties, debts and monies the decedent had at death and then a "final accounting" detailing all properties, payments and monies and exactly what was spent on estate expenses. Then there is a judgment putting the heirs or legatees in possession of the property/funds they inherited.

Get your lawyer to write her a letter and send her copies of the relevant law and listing your legal duties as executrix. She can always take over handling the succession or hire her own lawyer if she thinks you are "cheating" her.

Here, you would also legally be entitled to a significant fee as Executrix. Maybe she'd be interested in that little fact....

Grief does not preclude someone from being an arsehole. Sounds like the niece was a spoilt entitled. Brat before that so she’s not about to change the habits of a lifetime.

She’s an adult not a child, and anyone who excuses her behaviour on the basis that she’s still developing needs to have a word with themselves. She was old enough to start having sex at sixteen, to drive a car at seventeen, to drink at eighteen, is capable of living independently, having her own job, own house if she wants, even being responsible for having children, but because she’s lost a parent anyone she treats badly should excuse that on the basis she’s still young? I don’t think so.

IME money brings out the worst in people and generally shows their true colours. Of course she’s grieving, you all are, but that doesn’t give her the right to behave as she pleases.

Personally I would hand it over to the solicitors now and not only will the funeral expenses come out of her inheritance but so will solicitors costs etc etc.

And then I would cut her off until she grows the fuck up and realises that she’s not the only person in the world, and that, sad as it is, her mother isn’t there to pander to her any more.

Frankly your sister did her no favours by giving into this cunty behaviour in the past, because now your sister’s gone the world isn’t going to roll over any more and she has a lot to learn and rightly so.

I agree with NoCauseRebel, delegate your duties to the solicitor, say it’s all just a bit too much for you at present and ... breathe. Make peace as best you can. Families are often torn apart by these situations, as executor you are taking the brunt of things. I doubt your sister would have wanted that and it seems as though there is enough in the estate to cover the solicitors work. You are all grieving. People behave badly in these situations, just let it pass as best you can and for now think about what your sister would have wanted. Concentrate your energies on your child.