AIBU not to extend a peace offering?

[onko]

My sister died in January; we were best mates and saw each other a lot which resulted in me having great relationships with her 2 children (they are now 19 and 20). I have a 21 month old daughter, a great husband and I work full time. I’ve also been managing all the admin associated with my sister’s death singlehandedly.

So things were as ok as they could have been up until 4 weeks ago when the FDs started chasing payment for the funeral bill. I let the two children and my other sister (who is also an executor) know this via our whatsapp group. My sister jumped in first and said we should pay it and asked if it could come from the estate. I said no as there were insufficient liquid assets. My sister said she would pay the bill and I said ‘cheers for this; I don’t have that kind of cash’. My niece then said ‘OMG thanks that’s so lovely of you xxxx’. Worried that my niece thought my sister had actually paid for the funeral rather than cover it until the estate has been settled, I quickly followed up with ‘I think the estate will be able to pay you back in approx. Sept’.

And that is the last I have heard from my niece. Immediately before this we were (I was) in the process of arranging a birthday night out for my niece and, her 21st birthday present, a memorial event on my sister’s birthday and a big family outing to our home town to scatter her ashes. I was also giving her careers advice. I have sent 7 texts, 2 emails and 2 voicemails and 6 messages on the whatsapp group about legal stuff which have all been ignored.

I have gradually been suspecting the worst and three nights ago my fears were confirmed. I spoke to my nephew to ask if he knew if there was a problem with my niece’s phone or if there was any other reason she wasn’t getting back to me and he confirmed that she wasn’t very happy that I had decided that ‘they’ (the children) would pay for the funeral and that I should be contributing to the costs. I asked why she hasn’t talked to me about this and he said she doesn’t really trust me any more.

I was livid and let rip on the phone, telling him she was 100% in the wrong and she should consult any adult she chooses to find out how things work when someone dies. I moaned about having given loads of my time to sorting out her affairs and that she may have gotten away with appalling behaviour with her Mum but I will not tolerate being blanked. I said I was disgusted with her expectation that she thinks she can inherit a massive sum from someone dying and yet others will cover the costs and, quite frankly, if she doesn’t think I am trustworthy then I don’t want to know her. My nephew was silent in all of this and I eventually pulled myself together, apologised for the rant and said I’d better go then hung up.

He was very upset by my reaction and called my other sister for help. He had obviously told my niece what I had said and she is now upset with him because he has made the situation massively worse. Apparently she sent him a bitter, passive aggressive text to say she now felt the lowest she had felt all year and has stopped returning his calls/messages. He is quite concerned about her (she has been depressed in the past and self-harmed in her teens). My sister has sent her a text and a vm which has been unanswered.

My sister has said she thinks I now need to extend an olive branch to my niece and she thinks I have overreacted a little bit to being blanked. I’m sorry but FUCK THAT. My niece is by no means all bad but had been a MASSIVE BITCH to her mum especially for the last 12 months and even during her last, dying days (she only pulled herself together 2 weeks from my sister’s death). My sister was always, IMO, ridiculously lenient with my niece’s behaviour (which got worse as she got older – really nasty and manipulative at times) and always apologised for her part in their arguments in order to set a good example and not completely fall out with her, despite my niece being about 95% in the wrong at all times. As a result she is used to getting away with bad behaviour and is now playing the injured party.

I don’t really have a plan about how this will go but I am adamant that I am NOT going to give a peace offering. I will almost certainly forgive my niece and let this blow over if she apologises unreservedly but right now she can stew in her juices. AIBU?

One of the things that stood out for me is that your other sister hasn’t really stepped up and lightened your load but then had the unbelievable nerve to pontificate and virtue-signal at you by being patronising about your currently not so DN’s behaviour. I’d dump it all in your sister’s lap and tell her to actually do something constructive and helpful, rather than be a patronising soandso and walk away for a while. Your priorities are with your DD. Am so pleased to hear that your nephew is being kind. I find it telling that your manipulative and spoilt niece is also attacking your nephew for apparently being the golden boy. While there many examples, even on this board, about toxic family dynamics, it is really rather below the belt for your niece to twist the whole situation. His ‘golden boy’ status might simply down to him being a compassionate and kind person, in sharp contract to her being quite selfish and spoilt. Actions have consequences and of course, someone who behaves decently should be commended.

Oh OP I am glad you are taking steps towards getting better, you need to grieve as well. Hopefully everybody will calm down and with time both you and your DN will be ready to forgive and move on

Im glad you got some help from the chaplain.

Listing all youve done and feeling aggreived is an exercise in frustration. Like expecting significant displays of gratitude for or we do for our own children. I do agree that you had the right not to be ignored and vilified by your niece. But stop letting it get to you, I'm working yourself up into a moral outrage. She is wrong end of.

If you don't want to continue to do all the executor duties any longer perhaps you could speak to your other sister about sharing it more equally. As in she picks up the slack from now on. I actually wouldn't advise taking a step back from it. Do your duty for your sister rather than feeling that you are doing it for her children.

But no birthday presents no birthday parties and no apologising to DN.

Really glad you got good advice from the chaplain, he sounds like he knows his onions.

Re your niece thinking her DB is favoured, no one but the immediate family can truly know what their dynamics were, as they'd all have different perspectives themselves. It's worth accepting she may have a point, even if it's only from her (possibly wrong) reading of the situation.

A PP ^ said she was hiding the thread due to people referring to your DN as a brat (I was one), I'm sorry, I didn't think it was offensive, just descriptive of her behaviour to you!

I hope your other sister steps up, does she realise how this has impacted your family? It's a really big deal that you've been away from your DD so much, and it sounds like that needs to stop now.

Fingers crossed you're feeling better about the whole situ.

@onko I am so relieved to read your update. Your pastor gives good advice. Definitely take a step back and give yourself a break and a proper chance to grieve.

While I know your niece is going through a tough time ironically so is her brother so I'm not sure her behaviour is justified.

Look after yourself and your own family

I lost my Dad at 19, the funeral was paid for by the insurance payout. Tho his boss offered to help if we had any issue paying it. She is grieving and also, at that age, doesn't know funeral procedure. I'd be the bigger person tbh. Losing a parent at that age is beyond devastating. Your own grief is affecting your reactions too. Don't make things worse over this, you'll regret it.

She needs a large dose of tough love and reality. It should be her apologizing not you.

YANBU about the money, or about the unfairness of her just blanking you and complaining to others in the family instead of directly to you. However, I do think YABU to bring up 'getting away with appalling behaviour to her mum' at a time of recent bereavement; inflicting this sort of guilt on someone who has just lost a parent can be very damaging - especially for a youngish person with a history of mental health problems. 'I know she is grieving and I am sad for her; but she should not take it all out on me, especially as I am grieving too' might have been a more appropriate response. I think that offering an olive branch would be kind, and would benefit your future relationship with your family members. This doesn't mean going back on the funeral costs coming from the estate, which is of course how things are usually done, so she is being U there.