To not want to know if DS walks?

[FairfaxAikman]

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

When I was childminding, babies never (Ahem) achieved firsts at my house!

To all those saying "other women have traumatic births".

I'm a member of a birth trauma group. My reaction was to block most of it out, others remember every second and have full blown panic attacks while others liken it to being sexually assaulted.

One thing I've learned is just because you don't feel the same as someone else, it doesn't invalidate their feelings.

I posted for perspective- I got that. I was asking WIBU, not asking for a pile on and to be called "batshit".

Unless you give up work and glue yourself to your son until he’s 18 you’ll miss all sorts! Getting all worked up about it won’t help though. Relax and enjoy being a mum.

I'm another one that was incredibly poorly when DD was born - ICU, NICU etc etc, and because of that we can't have any more children. DD is the most precious thing in our world, bar none, and I would move the earth to protect her. But if my DH saw/heard a "first" from her then I'd be delighted for him, and to know she was progressing well. I'd be shouting it from the rooftops.

Majorrrr dripfeed.
And still being horribly U!
Just because bad shit happened to you it doesn't entitle you to all firsts and god knows what else.

You think you are the only one with a shit birth? You missed out on the first hours
Yeah that is shit. And so i almost dying.

But being all demanding about it now in reg ards to first steps?! That is also shit

Be happy your kid walked and his dad saw! He might have seen the first step. You will see the first 5 steps. Etc etc. Such is parenting and such is life

Get counseling to get over traumatic birth (very helpful i might add) and then take a few steps back and take all these MN comments in consideration.

Yes you missed out. And it will not be the last time you missed out. Be happy you are still afuckinglive to have your DP text you.
You could have been missing out on a l l things in your kid's life if you died at birth.

Get counseling. Get enjoying. Start loving and start living.

@IhateBoswell
That makes it okay then...

YABU -DH was obviously excited and wanted to share it with you

I'd want to be able to share in DH's happiness about seeing her firsts, not making him feel bad/guilty about it and feeling he has to hide it from me. Takes away from his pleasure.

Plus I'd feel a bit of an idiot getting all worked up about "her first steps" when I saw them only to see DH's expression and then be questioning myself if this is really not the first time - which would take away from my own pleasure at seeing them myself for the first time.

It'll still be lovely for you when you see things, even if it's not the very first time. Plus if you know DC has done something once already, you can look forward to hopefully seeing it yourself very soon.

I too had a traumatic birth but for different reasons. My DD had surgery for the first six hours of her life. Not only did I not see her or touch her, I was prepared for her not surviving.
I think I was probably extremely traumatised for that first year at least but this was in a time when we were told to be grateful and not to dwell on what could have happened. Obviously a far cry from what happens now
I do think YABU but you know that, had you not accepted that I'd wonder about narcissism

I was in the ‘definitely unreasonable’ camp but bloody hell this has turned in to a blood bath. You wanted to know if you’ve been unreasonable to your other half & people think you are - anyone would think you’d beaten him up though the way this thread has gone. Precious & hard work yes (on this one tiny example) batshit? No. Ridiculous. I really hope this thread hasn’t upset you because it’s got a bit out of hand imo!

Weird

How massively tedious this all sounds.
Are you involved in some sort of race or one-upmanship?

That makes it okay then...

It would’ve been my response to that, for sure.

I'm a member of a birth trauma group

Why the hell do you want to keep re-living it? I had 2 traumatic births. Babies were fine and life moved on. End of.

Everybody is affected differently by trauma. It's not useful or fair for people to compare their own [un]traumatic experiences and use it as some sort of benchmark of "normal" to tell the op how she should feel or react or be.

Op, do you think some of your feelings about this could be emotional flashbacks?

And if so, do you have any strategies for them? Could you try just noticing that's what's happening and reminding yourself that's why you're having such painful feelings but they will fade?

I do agree that having to dredge up the very raw details of your trauma for others is unlikely to be helpful. You could try simply saying something along the lines of "I had a traumatic/past experience that is making it really difficult for me to manage this [because...]" (or wording that fits better for you) so you're giving people the context they need to help you without retraumatising or exposing yourself.

Nuts.
Precious firstborn?

One thing I've learned is just because you don't feel the same as someone else, it doesn't invalidate their feelings.

But you don't have to let them dominate you or your life.

You recognise the feelings, work on them and do your best to change them if they impact your life and those around you.

Instead of the group, you should seek cognitive behavioural therapy.

DD probably took her first steps at nursery - in fact I know she did as they asked very sheepishly a few days later if we'd seen her do it at home.

Did I care? Nope, not at all. She's at nursery more than she's at home so it's likely she does a lot of firsts there!

Do you lie to each other and hide secrets from your DP in other areas of your relationship too OP?

YABU and PFB!

Why the hell do you want to keep re-living it? I had 2 traumatic births. Babies were fine and life moved on. End of.

Fuck sake. This kind of hideously ignorant comment was exactly what I was referring to.

The op is not you, Huskylover1. Her trauma was different, her reaction was different, her experience is different, what helps her is different.

Your experience is not universal for all trauma survivors, it was yours alone.

Omg yabu.. Does it really matter. Surely all that matters is he's making progress / milestones..

If you really want to know why I am precious about missing out on parts of my son's life it's because I almost died when he was born and as a result missed out on the first hours of his life
You can’t live your life doing unreasonable things and using the excuse of ‘oh I had a traumatic birth’.
Yeah you missed the first few hours but so do plenty of other people. Surely it’s not a big deal is it now that time has passed and you’re both well?
Are you now as a result going to wrap him in cotton wool and kick up a fuss every time he does something without you?
Count yourself as lucky; you’re still here and your child is still here.

Learn to let go OP, don’t be so overbearing and fussy or you’ll suck joy from other people’s lives and relationships with your son as well as your own.

Huskylover1 you are embarrassing yourself with your ignorance and bile.

FYI, having experience of a war is not part of the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. And the conflicts you cite have left countless people damaged and traumatised for life, so I'm not sure what your point is about "coping" in a war. Frankly, people don't.

I feel sad for you that you have so little empathy for other people.