To not want to know if DS walks?

[FairfaxAikman]

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

Does it matter? Count your blessings that you have a healthy child who walks.
If this is all you have to get stressed about then you are very lucky.

how far do you take this? I mean, when he gets to 25 are you all allowed to mention that he's walking now? With your rules your DS could be walking (or whatever) for a fairly significant time and yet no-one gets the pleasure of talking about it and sharing the info.

what if you don't tell DH, he doesn't mention it, then PIL also keep schtum. Then 2 or 3 months later the doctor asks when he first started walking (to check development) and no-one knows?

Can you try to think more along the lines of you get to experience the excitement of hearing about it, then you can anticipate seeing it, then you also get to see it, so that you have MORE enjoyment from it?

Gosh Mumsnet has it's claws out today. Some of you really seem to enjoy being spiteful.

@Huskylover1 what an epically nasty comment.

Honestly, sometimes this place seems like it's a competition to see who can make the nastiest comment.

how far do you take this? I mean, when he gets to 25 are you all allowed to mention that he's walking now? With your rules your DS could be walking (or whatever) for a fairly significant time and yet no-one gets the pleasure of talking about it and sharing the info.

This

@plobsalt I guess because if this need to control others isn't challenge early it festers and then some woman in tears to come will be complaining about her controlling mil and a dh who won't stand up to his controlling dm and a fil who enables her. We see it on here all the time. It starts somewhere.

Maybe a little reality check is what is needed to reset thinking before it becomes entrenched?

I don't advocate outright nastiness but frankly using shitty past experiences to justify questionable behaviour should always be called out imo.

Yes yabu

I haven’t rtft but I am gobsmacked at some of the replies. @FairfaxAikman I understand where you’re coming from, I truly do. I was the same for the first year or so after traumatic birth, my twins were two months premature, extremely low birth weight and spent the first four months of their lives in various NICU’s. There was so much I missed out on with them, not being able to hold them, dress them, comfort them, Fred them. Having them taken to a different hospital the same day they were born without me, because the hospital couldn’t transfer me as an inpatient due to low staff. Spending my nights in a ward where every other woman had their baby by their bedside and only getting one phone call a day to confirm my twins were still doing okay... and so many other things that would take far too long to list (hearing the other babies cry in the night would wake me - instinct was telling me it was one of mine, so I’d wake up and remember they weren’t anywhere I could get to, not even just to look at them in their incubators). It took five days after they were born for me to be discharged and get to the hospital they had been transferred to. So I got very very protective of experiencing what I could with them ever since.

This is where it gets difficult, I had to acknowledge with my DH that we were both extremely traumatised by the four months they were in hospital and neither of us should have a monopoly on what is experienced first. I am the SAHM with our twins and I was horribly dismissive with DH when he saw either our DD or DS do something for the first time because I’d usually seen it first and probably many times before he got to see it for himself. This hurt him a lot, I’m not proud of myself for how I handled it.

We had a very long conversation about it. He acknowledged why I felt so protective but he was so frustrated that I couldn’t just let him enjoy what he got to experience with our DC. He put it to me like this, our DC will not remember these milestones, only we will, so rather than focusing on when they first achieve something as babies/toddlers - focus on when we each get to see/hear those firsts and celebrate them as something new each time. Hard to explain in writing but you may not have seen your DC take their first wobbly step, but you will get to see it for yourself sooner or later and that will be your first. That’s how I looked at it after DH and I had our chat and it’s worked well.

I think you might benefit from some counselling OP and I’m not trying to be judgmental. I hope you and your DH have been able to talk about the situation. Remember you’re a family, so celebrate with each other as best you can 😊

Feed them* not Fred them 😂

thought you might be interested that it's well know etiquette for childminders and nannies not to disclose milestones like first steps to parents.

I can see where you're coming from but as you're asking family it then becomes unreasonable.

You missed the bit where I acknowledged IWBU @Derbee**

I don't believe you think YABU .
You may have acknowledged the fact that other people think you are but you immediately defended your selfish behaviour.
Your story is sad but with or without a back story, YABU and selfish.

Are you being serious? It’s his dad 😂 he’s a proud dad obviously

All working parents miss seeing the "firsts". You are being very U. Get over it .

Yabu and ott. Ask yourself why this bothers you

OP came here for advice / opinions & got it in spades. Unusually for here - she has acknowledged she was being unreasonable and apologised to her husband - yet the attacks continue - what do you people want from her - prison time?!?!

I think my head on a spike is the only acceptable option AverageMummy 🙄

Yeah you have pretty much ruined the moment for DH. What a silly and selfish thing to ask

@FairfaxAikman don’t take it personally - I think any head would do

@Vilanelle didn't want to read the thread? Surprisingly it's moved on in almost 300 posts.