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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to know if DS walks?

268 replies

FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 08:45

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 03/07/2019 10:17

TBH, with all drip feeds, you need to stop being precious. Your child isn't your property. Your son has his equally excited and loving father and other relatives who want to celebrate the first milestones and enjoy them.
The first tooth or step you see is your first. Seeing it is not a pissing contest.
I only have one child but I don't mind she walked her first step at her childminder's house. It just happened. I still got to see her walking and that was enough for me to be happy about. You can't chain your child or forbid it to move or develop till you get to see it first.

00100001 · 03/07/2019 10:18

Presumably any "firsts" you've witnessed alone you've hidden from DH? and you've 'ooohed' and 'aahed' and played along when he goes "wow, PFB just rolled over for the first time!" ?

tro me,t hat's kind of lying... and not sustainable for the next few years....

howdyalikemenow · 03/07/2019 10:18

Ahhh the sympathy inducing drop feed!

FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 10:19

This reply has been deleted

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Millie2018 · 03/07/2019 10:20

YABU even with the massive drip feed. Is this how you plan to continue? Your poor husband.

Teddybear45 · 03/07/2019 10:20

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Ghanagirl · 03/07/2019 10:22

@FairfaxAikman
@howdyalikemenow ODFOD.*
You’ve just complained about posters being unkind...

nowahousewife · 03/07/2019 10:23

Sorry you’ve had a tough start to you child’s life but just enjoy the moment. There are plenty of firsts you will see and others you won’t. You cannot control everything once you have kids.

Wait until he’s a teen and you have to deal with the first time he gets drunk, girlfriend stays out past curfew etc. You’ll be glad to leave those to DH😂

codenameduchess · 03/07/2019 10:24

Ah there it is, the sympathy drip feed!

Still op, do you see a pattern here? I want all the firsts, I'm upset if I don't get what I want, my feelings will be hurt, I had a bad experience, I want it my way.

You don't seem to consider your dh or ds in this. Yes you've now shared your trauma, but it doesn't change the responses. If you feel like the birth is still affecting you then you can seek counselling and get yourself help to process it instead of wanting some weird pretend world.

IhateBoswell · 03/07/2019 10:24

You’ve just complained about posters being unkind...

Was pretty unkind what she was replying to, so...

escapade1234 · 03/07/2019 10:25

I think we are led to believe that witnessing firsts is very important. It’s not really. It takes them ages to get the hang of walking, you’ll be part of the process OP. I wonder how many babies take their first steps when nobody is watching at all then sit back down before anyone notices.

The child doesn’t know or care and, trust me, it will looks the same when they walk for the second, third or fourth time.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult start to motherhood. Your feelings are understandable.

nowahousewife · 03/07/2019 10:25

That should read ‘girlfriend stays over, stays out past curfew etc’

loobyloo1234 · 03/07/2019 10:25

Stop being so defensive OP. If you had put your later drip feed information into your first post, you would have got a more mixed response I’m sure? As you know, YABU but I do have sympathy. Hopefully your DS will take his first steps when you are there though Flowers

cestlavielife · 03/07/2019 10:26

Ok so given your update maybe you still need some CBT to talk thru these scenarios ?
You dont want to be less happy about future firsts whoever witnesses them.

There will many firsts thru his life. FIrst lost tooth. First grazed knee. First taste of whatever. First goal.he scores. First whatever. First chin hair. First word he Reads. First pint. First girlfriend.

Your dh didn't steal first hours from.you it just happened. Learning second hand in no way lessens the firsts.

Celebrate your life and beautiful family

Okyah · 03/07/2019 10:27

You feel how you feel but in the scheme of things it really doesn’t matter who gets to see DSs first step. There are terrible, unjust things going on in the world but this isn’t one of them.

Ellieboolou27 · 03/07/2019 10:28

@FairfaxAikman if you'd said that at first then you probably wouldn't have got so many harsh replies, having said that it doesn't really change that YABU.

Okyah · 03/07/2019 10:29

Have just read your update and can see why you feel so upset about this. 💐

HoppingPavlova · 03/07/2019 10:31

If you really want to know why I am precious about missing out on parts of my son's life it's because I almost died when he was born and as a result missed out on the first hours of his life. All I have of that time is a photograph.

I’m really sorry and it’s not a pissing competition but I still think it’s weird. One of mine was whisked away at birth, I didn’t get one glance. They were worked on and by the time I was able to join them they had been transferred to a specialist children’s hospital for major surgery. They (being children’s hospital) said don’t bother coming for x hours as the team are doing work ups before surgery so you won’t get to see baby but they should be free at y time and you can then spend a few hours with them before surgery. Arrived at y time to find that they had been rushed into surgery earlier as deteriorated yadda yadda. Surgery took several hours. When out was being stabilised by team in ICU and no room beside bed. When I could see them it was virtually 24hrs after birth, if I hadn’t been told I would have had no idea which baby in ICU was mine (swollen from surgery so didn’t even match the dodgy Polaroid I was given). They were wired up like nothing else, attached to a board that secured tubes/wires in place so it was over 2 weeks before I could hold them (and then in a modified board so holding the board really) and you couldn’t even touch them as it stressed them and sent all of their alarms off and took ages to get them stabilised again. But such is life. Never used this sort of stuff as an excuse for odd behaviour with DH. Not saying I never exhibited odd behaviour, sure I probably did on occasion but never made excuses for it and owned it if called out on it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2019 10:32

@nowahousewife
Gosh I think it’s maybe a little early for op to be thinking about her ds’s girlfriends staying over. Wink

Imstaying50untilDHdoesit · 03/07/2019 10:32

DS never said Mama until he was 18 months old. Then everyone, including the dog on the street, was Mama. Get over it, there are so many milestones, letting your DH have one is not being unreasonable.

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2019 10:32

I can't say I really understand op. I spent a month in hospital after my daughter was born and my husband had to take her home and bring her back during visiting hours to see me for that month. At no stage did I ever think he should lie to me about any milestones she hit, or wish him to then sit and pretend it was her first time when she did them again.

I think we are all different, and clearly you need to do you, but I find your justification for your desire for people to lie to you. Not to know you're child has hit a milestone, then people to lie again when your child does whatever in front of you, is rather difficult to comprehend.

recklessgran · 03/07/2019 10:34

Yes, you're being ridiculous.

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2019 10:34

Tbf even if you said something in your initial post, people would probably still say you were being unfair to your husband and unreasonable.

sacope · 03/07/2019 10:34

Well given the drip feed I can understand why you feel like this, but it's not a normal or reasonable response the the situation all the same. Have you spoken to a professional about it? It would be more productive going forward to try to get yourself into a position where you don't constantly feel that you are missing out.

Tiptopj · 03/07/2019 10:35

I was exactly the same OP so you're not the only one. I asked my husband if he walked whilst I was at work not to tell me. I also did the same for him whilst I was on MAT leave, DS would do something whilst with his DAD and my husband would be so excited thinking it was the first time I went along with it and never mentioned he'd done it a few times earlier.
However, with regards to walking, it's often such a gradual process that it's not always clear what actually are their first step- the chances are you will see them in some form or another and if you do miss the excitement will take over any feelings of missing out x

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