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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to know if DS walks?

268 replies

FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 08:45

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
trackingmedown · 03/07/2019 10:35

And was it really the first step your DH saw? My eldest didn’t walk until 17 months and when she did she was instantly very steady on her feet. I suspect that maybe she had staggered a few wee steps before this and we just missed them. In fact I think she was like the Pandas in the old KitKat advert and had been jogging round the room in private and just dropping to her bum anytime an adult looked her way.

Omzlas · 03/07/2019 10:35

Even with the drip feed, you're being unreasonable. I can't begin to imagine how difficult things are for you when it comes to firsts but agree with PP

WhiteDust · 03/07/2019 10:37

Don't do that OP.

(OP) AIBU?
(Everyone) YES
((OP) Drip feed
((Everyone) feels bad for saying YABU.

You've had a rough time but you asked a question relating to being the first to see your DS walk.
Not : AIBU to feel this way because...

FWIW, your DS is being brought up by his two parents and anyone else who cares for him. All of whom will witness him develop and grow. It's lovely to share these experiences with others.

Vivavivienne · 03/07/2019 10:38

With that tsunami after thought, you’d probably have had the same outcome but more gently delivered.

Your behaviour here is completely unreasonable. And not remotely justifiable. Many of us here had traumatic births, I spent 48 hours in intensive care and then high dependency. I didn’t ruin the joy for my husband and try to get him to lie to me.

Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone deals with that differently, but it doesn’t make your behaviour here reasonable.

Drum2018 · 03/07/2019 10:40

Have you addressed the issue with your counsellor of wanting to have monopoly on your child's 'firsts'? It may be something you need to work through as you can't continue expecting your family to pretend they haven't seen Ds walk, see his first tooth, hear his first proper word etc. It's unfair and unrealistic. You can't be with him 100% of the time in the same way many of us can't. That's just the way it is and you need to find a way to accept that. Be grateful that your Ds is healthy and gets to do all these things and learn to share the joy.

LondonJax · 03/07/2019 10:40

OK I understand the back story with this. Our experience was the other way - our DS has a heart condition which meant a procedure at 10 days old to save his life and another a couple of years ago (he's 12 years old now). It is hard to try to put that sort of experience in a box in your brain so that you can enjoy the rest of your DC's life. It was probably a good year or so before I came to terms with what happened to us.

But, there are going to be so many firsts that you will miss. You will share your son with so many people in his life time and some of them will get to experience 'his firsts' when you're not there. Our DS learned to ride his bike when he was out with DH after we'd been taking it in turns to help DS so I missed that. He took his first step with me. His first tooth dropped out at school! Our DS said his first coherent word to one of our friends who was playing with him when I was cooking and DH was laying the table for dinner. The friend pointed to a picture of a baby in a book and DS said what it was. Our friend said 'Oh DS is clever saying baby' - DH and I said 'he can't say baby'. At which point DS did! So we missed his first word. Never mind. He's made up for it ever since....

The scenario could get farcical if you're not careful: DS gets up and walks when you're not there. You're not told as per your wishes. Then DS takes steps when only you are there. So do you tell DH - being as it's so important to you not to be told, wouldn't the thought occur to you that it's important to your DH and you'd do the same?

So if you hold the 'secret' so DH's not upset at missing the first steps at what point do the two of you actually say 'hey, DS is walking!' Someone has to admit the child took their first step surely? Do you stage it so that you're both there when DS gets up and walks?

You've had a rotten start in your life with your DS. Just embrace the fact that you and he are here and safe. Firsts don't really matter in the scheme of things.

WhiteDust · 03/07/2019 10:41

Just to add, they are your DS's firsts . Not yours or your DH's.
Children don't perform on demand or with the correct parent.

SD1978 · 03/07/2019 10:42

You've said you've been signed off by mental health- is it possible to continue sessions with someone? You clearly still have some issues to deal with understandably given the birth, but maybe trying to get some more help would make things easier for you in the long run?

saraclara · 03/07/2019 10:42

I think it's kind and sensitive of nurseries and childminders to keep schtum about first steps. But partner and grandparents? They're family, they love the child. It's totally unfair to expect them to keep secrets, wherever your emotions come from.

Aprillygirl · 03/07/2019 10:44

So instead of sharing in your DH's excitement you decided to make him feel bad and make it all about you. Poor bloke. You sound like really hard work OP.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/07/2019 10:45

I think you are being weird, the first time you see him walk will be the first time for you. One of my grandsons pretended he couldn't walk at home because he liked being carried about but it turned out he'd been walking for quite a while at the childminder and his aunt's house.

Halo1234 · 03/07/2019 10:46

Yabu. Your son has two parents. Enjoy him through other people eyes. Be pleased he met a new milestone and stop making it about u. Be glad he has a loving dad and grandparents who want to share the joy of seeing these milestones too. It's about your son not about you. You will see him learning to walk too. Ideally he will take his first steps in front of all of u but that's not likely. Enjoy sharing him and seeing him form relationships with lots of loving people. Stop trying to keep the best bits for yourself. You will be happier if u do this too.

BlackSwan · 03/07/2019 10:47

Wanting your cake and wanting to eat it too. Your PIL take care of your baby while you work. They get to enjoy that time - not just sacrificing themselves for your sake. Grow up.

Esker · 03/07/2019 10:49

You sound very self centred. 'It bothers me because I'm missing out'. You are just one person in this equation.

I guess it's not massively unreasonable to ask them to not send you a text, but it is unreasonable to start making a fuss if they forget, or if you happen not to have specified exactly what constitutes walking Confused

Poppy1774 · 03/07/2019 11:03

Wow get over yourself!!!

alittleprivacy · 03/07/2019 11:04

If you really want to know why I am precious about missing out on parts of my son's life it's because I almost died when he was born and as a result missed out on the first hours of his life. All I have of that time is a photograph.

Again with this not being a pissing competition but I think this is far more common than maybe you realise. I nearly died when my son was born. Many other mothers I know have similar stories. It doesn't excuse placing unreasonable demands on our loved ones, sucking their joy out of their experiences or treating our child's achievements as something down for our gratification. Yes it's an explanation for having unreasonable feelings, but explanations aren't excuses or justifications. They are something we acknowledge makes something more difficult but still accept that we have to do that difficult work in order to really recover.

Poppy1774 · 03/07/2019 11:05

Just read your update - massive drip feed!

Chartreuser · 03/07/2019 11:06

OP I am sorry to hear that update but I, like many others on here, had similar, sadly childbirth can be like that. That's why it's even more important to access treatment. Whilst it gives context it doesn't excuse this, this places a great deal of unfair pressure on those around you.

It will not be healthy for your DS to grow up in such anxiety too so for all your sakes it sounds as though you could do with further MH support.

IhateBoswell · 03/07/2019 11:08

Just read your update - massive drip feed!

Pretty useful to read ALL OPs updates on a 190+ comments thread, can stop you writing something plenty of other posters have already written. HTH.

Lweji · 03/07/2019 11:09

Even with the dripfeed, YABU.

Your OH was excited about it, and it's not a competition.
I'm sure you've had and will have plenty of firsts with him.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/07/2019 11:10

OP I'm sorry you've been through a tough time. In the nicest of ways, like others have said, this is common and I also know plenty of mothers who this has happened too. I do hope the support is there for you, however YABU.

This about your son, not you or your husband or even other family members. It's great that you've now acknowledged YABU and apologised to your husband.

You never know - this may all be for nothing and you may both witness it!

babysharkah · 03/07/2019 11:10

Even with the drip feed it's a very odd, selfish response.

I didn't see dts for 36 hours after birth, it was difficult, but taking that away but you can't carry on with views like this. It's bonkers.

00100001 · 03/07/2019 11:12

Loads of mothers have traumatic births, and miss the first few hours, and have only vague memories of the first few days/weeks through recovery or sheer and utter exhaustion after giving birth.
This doesn't give you exclusive "rights" to every 'first moment'.... nor should your DH have to lie to you by omission...

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/07/2019 11:14

Make everyone hover with their phone. I saw all my children's firsts but can't remember anything but the joy and excitement. Last week my son sent me a video of my granddaughter's first steps. Amazing, and her Mum was very sad not to see it.

@FairfaxAikman I had an awful pregnancy, labour, emergency, c-section and recovery for my youngest. I don't love him more than I love the others but the awareness of how amazing it we're here and healthy is with me every time I think of him. Please be kinder to yourself, it took me nearly 8 years before I could see an ambulance without breaking put in a good sweat.

Chloemol · 03/07/2019 11:15

Grow up

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