To not want to know if DS walks?

[FairfaxAikman]

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

What's this rubbish about coping in Syria or during the war, that's completely irrelevant. And as someone who had family during the war and subsequent dictatorship, some of them didn't cope all that well and the standards they were held to were definitely lower. All fed, none dead (hopefully) was enough, nobody cared about the impact of your MH on the following generation for example.

I suppose you could keep picking over it, again and again. I just don't see what's to be gained by that. Mother and baby are fine. Move on. It's hardly bile Crikey, people are sooo sensitive.

OP, I would recommend counselling instead or EMDR. Support groups are a double edged sword really.

My boys were taken to be resuscitated and then straight to NICU - I didn’t get to look at them, didn’t see them til the next day, couldn’t hold them and had to go home and leave them every day (one was in for two months). I understand how hard this is to go through. I truly do. Everyone copes with this differently. However, I think you need more help as the way you feel is impacting your partner and family and will impact on your child too.

OP, I'm so sorry you had a shitty birth experience. As women we're often led to believe that giving birth will be this romantic moment of bliss, but so often it isn't and that can leave terrible feelings of guilt.

My twins were very premature, in hospital for a couple of months. I didn't hold them for hours and hours after their birth. The hospital gave them their first bath. Did their umbilical cord thing (not even sure to this day what that was about). I'd go in first thing in the morning and be told about nurses cuddling my babies during the night. I felt such a profound sense of loss and of having missed out. Of course, I was being over-sensitive and unreasonable - and I'd much rather my babies were cuddled and loved rather than ignored. Bloody hormones! Lots of other things happened during their hospital stay which were extremely hard to cope with (a story for another day though!) - 9 years on and I still find it quite emotional to look at anything on TV with a prem baby unit.

Look, you know you've been a bit OTT but you know why, and that's a good start. The trick is now to figure out how to overcome those feelings and have a healthier outlook. You're going to miss lots of "firsts" when they go to school and it will help you to start getting your head around it all now.

Let me share this: as my children got older, I used to have relatives who would buy the children things that I wanted to give them - this is related so bear with me! It used to frustrate me because I felt I was missing out but when I really thought about it, it doesn't matter. All of this - whether it's about their development, their happiness....it's about them. Not us. Try to take yourself out of the equation in your mind. You are their mum, nothing will ever change this. Your priority is your child's health and happiness. Try to stop attempting to control everything (I mean this in the kindest way - it's a common tendency for a mum who feels like she missed out at birth). If you find yourself feeling sorry because you missed something, you need to actively reframe it in your mind and don't allow yourself to wallow or dwell on the subject. It takes practice but it does work - you need to consciously think about it and make an effort. Rather than thinking "I missed their first step!" say to yourself "That's amazing, another sign of healthy development - I can't wait to see it myself soon!"

And don't forget, you are their mum - there is no-one and nothing that can replace you. Whether you see their first step or not, you are your child's one and only. Don't lose sight of that ❤️

@SinkGirl - your experience sounds almost identical to mine! Did you have twins too? Mine were in SCBU for a couple of months and my son had to be resuscitated at birth too. I remember reading the report a few months later and being in shock about the description of nearly not being able to get him breathing (you know, it's funny - 9 years on and even writing that still makes me feel extremely emotional!. I gave birth at 3pm and didn't see my babies until midnight. I think I'd have lost the plot if I'd had to wait until the following day like you! And same, going home and leaving them overnight was so, so hard. Reading your words made all those memories come flooding back.

Thinking about it actually, I still have envy about all the new mums with their lovely "just given birth" photos. We all have firsts that we missed, OP, if that helps at all.

Also, long story but I split up with my partner at 8 wks pregnant and was a single mum at birth. Since then I've met a lovely man who is dad to my children. We'd planned to add to our family as I desperately wanted the experience of pregnancy and birth with a partner. Doing it solo was very lonely at times. My son is autistic and has dyspraxia and has a high level of needs. It's meant that it's just not sensible to add to our family - it's now too late to do so due to my bio age so it's never going to happen. So many things I feel I've missed. I cared for my dad through his terminal illness when my children were toddlers, while my son was getting diagnosed too. I kept thinking about all the things I was missing and that I'd experience them "next time" with the next addition to our family. Of course now, I've had to accept that will never happen and those experiences I'll just never have. I have two lovely, lovely children who are just wonderful - and if I ever feel sorry for myself for missing out , I just remind myself of that. I can't pretend it's been easy but you do get there in the end.

Yes, my twins are nearly 3 now - both have ASD, one has other disabilities too. They were born about 8pm and and it was about 3am or 4am when I was able to go and see them, wheeler into nicu on my bed. I barely remember to be honest.

I still have imaginary visions of my boys screaming in the night with no one to comfort them - I’m sure it must have happened sometimes. It’s awful. I didn’t feel like a parent for a long time.

These things definitely have a huge impact on you.

I appreciate you feel you may be" missing out",But to be fair your PIL are providing free childcare for you?.You are being a little bit precious here really.Many "milestones "can be missed !.My friend went into in the garden for a couple of minutes ,and babe took first steps cue round of applause from GP and SIL!.

OP: AIBU?
Forum: Yes, you are
OP: but it’s because of xyz
Forum: wow, that sounds tough. But still, YABU
OP: everyone is so bitchy
🙄

You missed the bit where I acknowledged IWBU @Derbee

Why is everyone still attacking the OP? She said she had apologised to her husband, and asked him to film the first steps. Basically, she asked the forum for their opinion, they gave it (in spades) and then she acted on it. Job done.

"Why is everyone still attacking the OP?"

it's because of the totally irrelevant drip feed in what appeared to be an attempt to sway people's opinions...

I didn’t miss the part where you acknowledged YWBU! I did miss whatever comments you’d written afterwards that were deleted by Mumsnet. I just don’t see the benefit of asking a forum for an opinion, dripfeeding, and then arguing.

the issue (in my mind) here is not that she misses out on 'firsts' - shit happens, you can;t control when a child will say it's first word etc.

But she wants everyone around her to lie by omission and pretend the "first" never happened. In a way, denying her DH the same sense of excitement that she wants.

And at no point has OP indicated that she has done/will do the same thing for her DH, and not excitedly tell loved ones about it u. e.g. if she saw baby roll over first, did she keep quiet until she and DH saw it together and he turns round and exclaims "Wow, little one just rolled over for the first time!!" and she lies by going "oh, yeah.... wow... they've never done that before ...how exciting!" Knowing full well they rolled over 4 days ago and she witnessed it.

@derbee that was a single acronym calling someone out for a nasty comment. Noting more exciting I'm afraid.

Fwiw op I completely sympathise with your trauma. I've been through my share of shit too. I just can't stand drip feeds where additional and quite pertinent information is inserted later down the line when a thread appears not to be going the way the OP had hoped. So no. I won't fuck off.

I hope you see many more firsts in your little one's life but you are not 'owed' any of it just because you e had a tough time. None of us are.
HTH

@FairfaxAikman

Well done for asking the question and acknowledging that perhaps you are being unfair.

As you have expressed your very traumatic experience has made all these firsts and major steps more precious for you.

Just keep your mind open and I hope that with time the emotional and mental wounds begin to heal soon x x

YANBU but YABR (ridiculous).

@sevenoftwelve pleased you responded to that nonsense because you put it very well.

Clearly this thread shows trauma is still very misunderstood. My Psychologist who specialised in trauma said it’s not about the specific event & how comparable that is, but how the individual person has physiologically responded & processed. War is sort of a good example actually - 20 soldiers could experience the same traumatic event & 3 of them be diagnosed with PTSD. Whether war, car crashes or birth - the impact on an individual can be so severe it is debilitating.

Belittling OPs trauma is really not a good look & shows how little is understood about this.

You can't just drop in the fact that you nearly died as a reason/excuse for feeling as you do. That's a pretty bloody massive drip feed.

Whilst it's great that you've realised you're bing unreasonable and apologised, the responses you've received are directly proportionate to the daftness of your dilemma. It was a pretty unanimous U from what I could see. AIBU can, however, be a bit of a viper's nest.

As your child grows, there will be so, so many 'firsts' that you'll see abd some you won't be a part of.

Tbh, it's understandable you don't want to miss it, but by Overthinking situations like this, you miss the enjoyment in your child sometimes.

Be happy, understand you won't see everything he will do, but after the ordeal you went through, just taje pleasure in the simple things.

Hi op, I get where you're coming from, I arrested during ds2 s delivery at 24 weeks, it was over two weeks until I was even conscious.
But I'm sorry I also say YABU. Your son is independent from you, his firsts, his milestones are his not yours. You cannot expect people to lie, it's not about you. When he's older he will ask, when/where is first steps etc were, you won't want to lie.
I wouldn't want a 'fake' first.

A child never takes their first steps at nursery (or childminder, grannies etc)

If you really want to know why I am precious about missing out on parts of my son's life it's because I almost died when he was born and as a result missed out on the first hours of his life. All I have of that time is a photograph.

Sorry for your traumatic time, but it is not an valid excuse to dictate unreasonable demands to others. If are having problems seek support.

Very soon this will not matter to you at all, not one bit, so don't fret about it. In the scheme of things, bearing in mind your son will probably be on this earth for 75-80 years at least, it's a small thing. Don't fret (or sulk). It's rather childish and petulant to do so. Move on!

Well I don't think it's massively U. I didn't tell my dh when our first child took their first steps (when he was out) as I thought he'd enjoy the excitement and surprise of seeing it himself. And he did.

I didn't want to miss the firsts and didn't. Nurseries won't tell you either, they say things like nearly did it and if you watch they are close. They have usually been on their feet for about a week before parents realise and think they were the first.
You can believe you are the first if it makes you feel better, I'm sure a lot of parents do this.