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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to know if DS walks?

268 replies

FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 08:45

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GhostHoward · 03/07/2019 09:00

YABU....!

So, as a scenario...your son takes his first steps with you, when your OH isn't there. You keep it to yourself (because he also wanted to be there for the first and I assume you feel he has as much right as you to see his sons "first" steps). Next day your OH sees him walk and thinks it's his first time walking, so doesn't tell you...Where does it end??

alittleprivacy · 03/07/2019 09:00

But he wouldn't be missing out. If he gets to see it first I'd just rather he just doesn't tell me. If it happens with me I'm happy to do what he wants!

Sorry but you are being silly and really, really selfish. You are making your son's development all about your preference to live in a pretend world. You are sucking the joy that the other people who love your son, like his father, will feel at being part of your son's real development so that you can nurture a delusion. You are treating your son less as a real person with real firsts and more as an extension of you, which long term could actually bode really badly for your relationship with him as a real live person.

It seems to me like you are actually unhappy with how your real life is and determined to create a pretence that is more like the life you want. It won't work though and will only lead to more and more of the unhappiness and dissatisfaction that you are feeling now. You either need to work out how to make the changes in your life that make you happier. Or if that's not possible, work out how to find more happiness in the reality of your life that doesn't rely on pretending that things aren't how they are.

SparklyMagpie · 03/07/2019 09:00

It takes quite abit to shock me

But you are so far past being unreasonable it's not even funny. What an absolute selfish killjoy

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 03/07/2019 09:00

If your dh hasn't said he doesn't want to know about any "firsts" because you are happy to do what he wants I presume you let him know as soon as DS has done anything and have a good crow about it too,

but everyone else has to keep quiet and not let on about any achievements for fear of upsetting you??

again, and I seem to be saying this a lot on MN just now...WEIRD!

BarbarianMum · 03/07/2019 09:00

That is properly bonkers OP This is about your child, not you. He's not a puppy you are teaching tricks.

The vast majority of your child's firsts will happen without you. Get used yo it.

HairyFloppins · 03/07/2019 09:01

YABU OP.

Let DH enjoy the moment.

Butterymuffin · 03/07/2019 09:01

It doesn't make you a worse mother if you're not there. But I do think expecting your DH to lie to you to maintain 'ignorance is bliss' isn't the best long term recipe.

Original poster
FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 09:01

@Sarahjconnor it bothers me because I'm missing out. No other reason and I certainly don't think DS is a possession - it's actually something I have to stress repeatedly to my own parents who treat him like a dolly and get pissed off if he won't come over and cuddle them on demand!

OP posts:
MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 03/07/2019 09:01

YES sparklymagpie ...killjoy, that is totally the right word.

Lindtnotlint · 03/07/2019 09:01

Have another kid, then these things will seem less important Grin

In other words, let it go...

AugieMarch · 03/07/2019 09:02

YABU. Let's say your dc takes a step and you shout out in joy "looks, she's walking!". Do you expect your dh to act surprised if he's already seen her take a step? That is bananas.

MohairMenace · 03/07/2019 09:02

Your child is an independent person in his own right, his milestones are milestones because they’re important to him and his development - not because of who did and did not witness them. There needs to be a bit less ‘me’ in your approach..

Hoppinggreen · 03/07/2019 09:02

YABU and a bit nuts to be honest

VivienneHolt · 03/07/2019 09:02

I think you are quite unreasonable, because your husband should be able to share his excitement about this with you, and it just feels odd to me that you would want him to keep secrets from you about your child’s development and then (presumably) lie and pretend to be excited about your baby’s ‘first’ steps when you did see them.

I totally appreciate though that it must be really hard to miss something you care about, so be gentle on yourself!

PuffSleeves · 03/07/2019 09:02

Just have your ILs and DH tie your son into a chair with a harness unless you’re present? Hmm

Shelby2010 · 03/07/2019 09:02

So if DH isn’t allowed to tell you that he’s taken his first steps, then you shouldn’t tell DH if you see him walk first because then DH will feel like he missed out.

Your son could then have been walking for ages before you both see him do it together & and can declare it as his ‘first’ steps! Don’t you see how ridiculous this is?!

MollyHuaCha · 03/07/2019 09:02

I can't believe you are stressing over this.

SparklyMagpie · 03/07/2019 09:03

Actually thinking about this abit more, conversations about your child must be an absolute joy in your house

So you can't even openly discuss milestones or anything because you'll spit your dummy out.

I'm a single mum and I witnessed pretty much everything but anytime his dad told me, I was over the moon for him

You're crackers

BarryBarryTaylor · 03/07/2019 09:03

It’s very precious of you.
However I remember when I worked at a nursery in the baby room, our manager suggested we don’t mention it when a child has taken its first steps as it would upset the parents to know. So instead we used to say ‘so and so tried to take some independent steps today’ until the parent told us they had been walking alone at home.

cantfindname · 03/07/2019 09:04

Unreasonable? I think ridiculous might be a better word!

Bluewall · 03/07/2019 09:04

Taking the first steps isn't really a once and done thing. The take a step fall down, maybe take 2 steps and fall down. Then you usually spend the next few days trying to get them to do it again and with all 3 of mine that was a family 'event' all sitting DH and I sitting waving toys trying to get them to walk between is etc.

I think this is like weddings at the time everything seems so important and a big deal but looking back you laugh at yourself a bit. OP it is hard going back to work and leaving your first born so hugs and it gets easier. But remember don't make your husband the enemy he isn't stealing anything from you. You are still a good fun and still get lots of fun with your little one even if you miss the first something x

IceRebel · 03/07/2019 09:04

But presumably you’re also asking him to continue with the charade that DS hasn’t walked before.

This //\

Surely by doing it your way he will have to pretend that's the first time, or else you'll get annoyed that he's raining on your parade if he says he's already seen it previously.

m00rfarm · 03/07/2019 09:05

Wow - just wow. You seem a little unhinged. Your family must be spending their time walking on eggshells around you if something as small as this has turned into a big discussion.

RiftGibbon · 03/07/2019 09:05

I'm going to be showing myself as odd but I don't get all the hype about 'firsts'.
My DC asked me how old they were when they took their first steps and where it was; I have no idea. One day they were crawling, at some later date they walked.
Bit like first word; no idea.

CherryPavlova · 03/07/2019 09:05

Don’t be daft. He's not a doll for your personal enjoyment and nobody else’s. It sounds like a very childish perspective.

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