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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to know if DS walks?

268 replies

FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 08:45

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 09:47

@Sparklingbrook hardly! It's raw so I didn't want to share it but some of the responses were just so damn harsh.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 03/07/2019 09:47

OP - I'm sorry you had a tough time when DC was born. But I don't think people have been particularly bitchy. They've been pretty frank that you're being unreasonable but you're clearly sensitive about this.

IhateBoswell · 03/07/2019 09:47

Drip feed? That's a bloody torrent.

Hope you get to see some firsts OP, genuinely.

Sparklingbrook · 03/07/2019 09:50

If you had put all that info in your OP FairfaxAikman people would have been able to take that on board before replying.

I hope you get to see some more firsts but also as time goes on accept that in the big scheme of things it's fine if you don't.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 09:52

I'm very sorry for the trauma that you experienced. I still very much believe YABU in this matter though.

I hope you manage to recover and enjoy your baby.

SD1978 · 03/07/2019 09:52

Does this mean that if they do something when dad isn't there you wouldn't tell him? I understand the want to be there- but I'd rather know my partner wasn't keeping things from me which should be exciting for us both.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/07/2019 09:53

I think it's understandable but unreasonable. You cant change when a first happens; if they don't tell you when you do see a first you'll never be sure you did.

Weirdpenguin · 03/07/2019 09:56

Your update makes it more understandable but it's still unreasonable.

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 10:00

OP I do know what that is like, I missed the first day with my DD, and struggled for days after. I suppose the difference is she wasn't my first. It is hard but it was probably very hard for your DH as well, in some ways I thought it was harder for my DH precisely because I didn't know. After a couple of days when I was more with it the other mums on the ward told me they were all tearful watching my husband with DD while I was in theatre, the mixture of joy with his new baby and not knowing if I was going to be OK.

I suppose what I mean is be kind to yourself but also be kind to each other, so often men are just expected to be strong no matter what but it can be hard to be the helpless spectator. This was brought home to me earlier this year, my GC lost someone very close to them, one was telling me about the pass they had from school so if they needed to leave a lesson and go to the support centre they could just leave the lesson no questions asked and how kind their form tutor had been. I asked the other one if they had similar support. He looked at me like I was mad and said, "Don't be silly, my school is a boys school and we are just expected to get on with it." I thought that was so sad.

It will get easier, I saw my DD get married a few months ago, as she walked down the aisle on her dad's arm I thought about that little baby in her father's arms and I just felt happy about how loved she is by us and her new husband.

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2019 10:00

I am really sorry you were so ill that was clearly traumatising for you but you should have mentioned it or at least acknowledged that is why you were snippy with your husband.

Teachermaths · 03/07/2019 10:00

Tsunami drip feed there OP.

EugenesAxe · 03/07/2019 10:02

I also had the same thought as OutWithTheOutCrowd that this might be some sort of subconscious guilt about being at work instead of with him? No judgement BTW on what any woman decides is right for her and her family - but YABU. Maybe I'm weird that personal experience of things like this doesn't bother me at all; I would have as much joy at being told as I would by seeing it, and you are being a killjoy to your DH, because it's nice to be able to share joyous news with someone who is a central part of your life.

Breastfeedingworries - as PP said taking steps holding on is far removed from independent walking. All down to the head; it's what, 1/3 adult size at birth? and managing that top-heavy weight when tottering about on legs depends on the baby's development of muscle and vestibular control.

WoopieDoo · 03/07/2019 10:02

Are you ready to leave your baby op? Maybe because of the trauma you just aren't really there yet.

CheshireChat · 03/07/2019 10:03

Oh, I seem to be the only contrary voice to this as I was planning to do the same for my DP if DS had taken his first steps with me Blush. As luck would have it, DP was right there, but I knew he'd be absolutely gutted so didn't see the point in telling him.

OP, it sounds like his birth and everything were quite traumatic so be kind to yourself and take things one step at a time. Also discuss with your DH how it's impacted on you so he understands where you're coming from.

AverageMummy · 03/07/2019 10:04

I think that update is also a tad unreasonable actually. If you post a dramatic overreaction that upset your husband with none of that context & specifically ask people their opinions - they’re going to point out it’s a dramatic overreaction. But trauma can make us do and think funny things. My son almost died when he was 1 & there were a few days where he was unconscious - I was 8 months pregnant at the time & for quite a long time I was precious about some things.

Ghanagirl · 03/07/2019 10:06

@FairfaxAikman
So you both pretend you haven’t seen him walk until your togetherHmm

INeedNewShoes · 03/07/2019 10:06

Have you had any counselling or at least a labour debrief following the traumatic events OP?

I really struggled with something that happened in my DD's first couple of weeks and it only started to resolve in my mind once I'd talked about it at length with relevant HCPs.

It's really important that you don't let the awful trauma you went through colour the way you see things like this first steps.

As a parent who is leaving their baby you can't expect to own all the firsts. These firsts are about your baby more than they are about you and I think it'll be such a shame if everyone can't celebrate them as and when they happen and that you can't be pleased about a 'first' unless you're present for it.

It's the risk we take leaving our children that their firsts will happen with someone else.

FWIW my DD took her first three steps one day and then didn't walk again for another few days. It took a fortnight to go from three steps to ten steps so plenty of opportunities for different audiences to get to see her learning to walk.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2019 10:09

My life has also been pretty traumatic and I never recovered physically from dds birth. I became chronically ill when dd was 3 and couldn’t even look after her sl she went to nursery 3 days. I couldn’t bear to be parted from her anymore. Dh looked after us at the weekend and my friend looked after us for 1 1/2 days, the remaining 1/2 day I muddled through with a home start lady, who visited us about 3 times a month. I was so ill I don’t actually remember that much. It was awful and terribly upsetting. But firsts, I’ve missed a bunch. Firsts are overrated. It’s the relationship, which counts.

Dd is now 11 and I’ve had 2 major surgeries and am currently recovering from the second. I don’t remember very much at all from the past 2 years. Dd is also an only child not by choice.

You need to adjust your thinking and I’m really glad you’ve taken what people have said on board. I also don’t think the plain speaking comments are bitchy. You’re feeling vulnerable, which I totally understand.

Talcott2007 · 03/07/2019 10:10

YABU - DD took her first steps at my PIL's house when most of the extended family were over for a BBQ. She was just standing holding hands with DH's DAunt who was sat across from me on the patio. DD just let go turned and walked the 4 or so steps over to me. Everyone saw and started cheering - all except for poor DH who had just popped in the house to get more meat. He was gutted. But then again he got her 1st not windy smile and her 1st Laugh. She also said Papa before Maman. That's just the way it happens sometimes.

mumwon · 03/07/2019 10:11

when I use to child mind I use to say that I think dc is near to walking :)

Namelessinseattle · 03/07/2019 10:12

My son was brought to high dependency when he was born and about 5 hours later when I woke up I couldn’t remember if I’d told him his name or who I was or who his family were and he had no baby gro and someone else gave him his first bottles and ...and...and..... it took some time but you’ll get over all of that.

The firsts aren’t that important, I don’t remember his first story book but I know he loves them, I don’t remember his first duplo but I remember having fun- I don’t remember his official first walk because there were so many variations but I remember laughing with his dad when we tried to get him to walk at the weekends or in the evenings.

On my second now I have a brand new set of issues and every so often I have to check in and say is this the right thing or are you holding on to all that fear from the start?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2019 10:13

INeed
Interesting how different your experience was from mine with my dd. She took a step at home, I then went next door for a cuppa / chat. She was walking and falling around the room after about an hour and took 8 steps together. It would have been impossible to hide this from dh had I wanted to pretend he was witnessing her first steps.

MrsFrisbyMouse · 03/07/2019 10:15

@fairfaxaikman Given your further explanation, then I can see how you might feel the way you do, it's totally understandable as we all see the world through the filter of our experiences. Given that, did you have any counselling after the birth? With the kindest intention, I think you are going to have to find a way to work through these feelings. Your reaction/desire to control the issue around the first steps may be indicative of deeper issues that you will need to face in a supportive environment.

There are many 'firsts' in a child's life. But honestly, as long as they are experienced by people who surround a child with love and care it doesn't matter which person.

The real joy in your child is not in the firsts, it is in the everyday. The chocolate biscuit they smear all over themselves, the snuggles at bedtime, the way they put their hand in yours. The smiles when they see a loved grandparent, the tears where they fall and graze a knee. Listening to them chatter to their doll, spend minutes looking at specks of dust.

Enjoy every second, third, fourth and more.

EugenesAxe · 03/07/2019 10:15

Sorry posted before you'd put in your update. I'm sorry this happened to you and I can't try to understand. Perhaps talk it out with some people so you can put it behind you?

If your DS does have a first you haven't heard of and you share it with your family as if it was his actual first, but they all know (because your DH would probably share his excitement with his DPs if you won't let him), as PPs have said would they keep up the pretence for you or be tempted to say "I'm glad you've seen it - he did that with me a week ago"? It just seems unhealthy and not something that will help you get over your trauma.

Children are dependent but they are a person in their own right; you don't own their development - they do. It's respectful to your DS to recognise his firsts when they occur, regardless of who was there to see them.

EugenesAxe · 03/07/2019 10:17

I feel like I've x-posted with everyone.

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