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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to know if DS walks?

268 replies

FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 08:45

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
codenameduchess · 03/07/2019 09:30

So op, your dh plays along with your self indulgent charade. You see your ds take his 'first' steps and your dh says 'oh yeah, he did that a few days ago'. How is that different to him telling you at the time? Either way your not getting whatever you seem to want from being the first to see everything. If you expect your dh/pil to play along and pretend they haven't seen something before then you are incredibly selfish and entitled.

Or as pp said, will it just be the two of you pretending you haven't seen your ds do things because neither can admit they've seen a 'first'?

I don't think you do actually see your ds as a person in his own right if this is your attitude.

Bear2014 · 03/07/2019 09:30

sarahjconnor bloody hell that's ridiculous.

JemSynergy · 03/07/2019 09:30

I am struggling to even remember my kids first steps (aged 9 and 11 years old). They have had lots of firsts since then. I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Ellieboolou27 · 03/07/2019 09:31

You need to get a grip!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2019 09:32

What happens when DS asks when he walked for the first time? Can DH claim it or will you shut him down and declare oy his first steps for you count?

I understand why you find it hard, but yabu

Yokohamajojo · 03/07/2019 09:32

My oldest DS took his first steps at the childminder and at the time I did feel a bit sad that I missed it but really you'll see so much more and it won't be important in the long run!

Sparklingbrook · 03/07/2019 09:33

My two DC have never asked when they walked for the first time, and it's not a question I have asked my own Mother!

WelshMammy123 · 03/07/2019 09:33

The thing is though that no one will be able to keep it from you as the second you 'think' he's taken his first steps you'll know from the reaction of DH or whoever that actually it's not the first time. Even if you don't know for sure you'll probably wonder.

Of course it's amazing when they do things for the first time and I remember not wanting to miss things with DD1. I would never have dreamt of asking DH to keep it from me though as it's his moment too and why shouldn't he tell me excitedly in the same way I would him. He's seen lots of first as have I which is how I think it should be.

MirriVan · 03/07/2019 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2019 09:34

Good god precious mummy moments ! how your eyes didn't roll out of your head sarahjconnor is a blessing

trackingmedown · 03/07/2019 09:35

So you would rather see a ‘fake’ first step than share the excitement of your DH seeing the genuine first step? That seems weird to me. It’s like wanting to see a scrubbed up ‘Disney’ version of something rather than the real thing. And is it reasonable to expect your husband to contain his excitement and pride? You probably wouldn’t want to if you were there for that first step.

It is sad that you might miss some ‘firsts’, but surely the first time you see him walk is a special moment for you and him even if has done it a couple of times before ?

GhostHoward · 03/07/2019 09:37

People pretend all the time, I worked in nurseries and saw lots of first steps said nothing then celebrated a few days later with a very excited mum.

That's completely different to asking telling your excited partner he's not allowed to claim he's witnessed the first steps.

QueSera · 03/07/2019 09:37

OP, I say this in the nicest possible way - you need to let go a bit, you sound far too controlling. It is very unreasonable to expect people to lie to you. That's not normal or healthy. Share your little one, be happy that your child has other people in their life who want to share in these happy moments. You certainly won't be physically present for all the firsts, that's unavoidable, please don't let that disappoint you or skew your view of what's acceptable - asking people to lie is not.

MustBeAWeasly · 03/07/2019 09:38

My DH got the first smile, the first giggle, the first word and the first time dd pulled herself up 🤷‍♀️ I loved seeing how excited he was telling me. He misses so much while he works. I was just as excited seeing it all for the first time myself.

Chartreuser · 03/07/2019 09:38

YABU and I think it's really unfair that you have to get this 'experience'. What about first words? All guests?

Most of youngest 2 DC's firsts were at nursery. Their keys workers were as excited about then add I would have been, that assured me that they were perfectly happy and in the best place possible and THAT was what was important. And then had plenty of times seeing them practice since.

contrary13 · 03/07/2019 09:38

My daughter took her first steps when I wasn't there - she was 11 months old and my parents were looking after her whilst I was working. Their (my parents') plan was not to tell me. It would have worked, too, had my daughter's first steps not been out of their back door, which has no step, and face-first onto solid concrete... I noticed the large bump and brusing on her forehead and demanded to know what had happened to my precious baby. My poor father looked very sheepish and said, "er, she walked for the first time out of the back door...?"

Ignorance, and lack of bruising to my child, would genuinely have been bliss.

When my son's half-sister took her first steps, I was looking after her for my ex and his wife. I didn't tell them. They'd been anticipating it for a while, and the little girl is my son's stepmother's precious firstborn, so I didn't want to ruin her joy.

So, no; I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP... but your child's father was there, so maybe he feels that you're trying to prevent him from having a "first"?

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 03/07/2019 09:38

I think a nursery setting is a bit different though @snitzelvoncrumb because, as nice as it must be to see all these babies growing, ultimately it’s easier to pretend it hasn’t happened if a nursery member of staff sees it as they won’t have a lifelong relationship with that child so it’s a sort of “What they don’t know won’t hurt” situation.
When it’s another parent seeing it though it’s a bit unfair to ask them to rewrite history for the benefit of the other parent though surely?

magneticmumbles · 03/07/2019 09:43

I think you have the right not to know something you don't want to know. Just as my DH doesn't want to know the sex of our baby at the next scan. It's about respecting other people's wishes. If you've expressed your wishes to him, and he still decides to tell you, that's gloating.

QueenofmyPrinces · 03/07/2019 09:43

My son took his first steps at Joan childminder's house and she phoned me at work to tell me.

I was overjoyed and I couldn't wait to pick him up and see him walk. When she opened her front door he took about 5 unsteady steps towards me before falling over and it was so magical.

Wouldn't you be embarrassed if you were screeching excitedly about your son having taken his first steps with you and meanwhile, behind your back, everyone else knew that they weren't? I think I would feel like a bit of an idiot in those circumstances....

thedevondumpling · 03/07/2019 09:43

The one I never get is wanting to be there for the first hair cut. I found taking them for their injections less stressful than a fullon melt down at the hairdressers. Maybe my kids were just particularly attached to their hair and it is a joyous occasion for others. My husband came along for one first haircut but he managed to be otherwise engaged for the others, I think he'd have left them with hair 2ft long rather than go through that again.

I guess you've just gone back to work OP and it is hard to feel you are missing milestones but can you just feel joy that your child has successfully reached the milestone. One of mine walked so late I was getting worried that there was something wrong, if my husband had phoned to tell me she had finally done it I'd have been celebrating.

Original poster
FairfaxAikman · 03/07/2019 09:44

Ok so we've established IABU, which I accept by the way, (and have apologised to DH and suggested he film it for me) but my god there are some completely bitchy and unhelpful responses on this thread.

If you really want to know why I am precious about missing out on parts of my son's life it's because I almost died when he was born and as a result missed out on the first hours of his life. All I have of that time is a photograph.

I was so ill with sepsis that I have only brief memories of the following days - the trauma was such that my mind has blocked most of it. I've only recently been signed off my the perinatal mental health team following all this.

Yes he's PFB - because he's very likely to be my only child and not through choice.

OP posts:
GhostHoward · 03/07/2019 09:44

...and how is spotting his first tooth a first?

Bloody hell, with my youngest everyone in my family other than me got his firsts. They saw him first; held him first; changed a nappy first; fed him a bottle first; dressed him first; gave him his first bath; took him in his first journey home (after nearly two months in the NICU); took him out on a trip in the pushchair first.
I was busy in a coma, so couldn't have really helped if I'd wanted to, but can you imagine if I begrudged any of them that. They were just caring for my baby. Your husband loves your son as much as you do and so don't begrudge him that first.

IceRebel · 03/07/2019 09:45

If you've expressed your wishes to him, and he still decides to tell you, that's gloating.

No it's just a parent being excited about their son's development. He's not gloating he's just sharing a joyous moment.

Sparklingbrook · 03/07/2019 09:45

I am sorry to hear your update but that is one huge drip feed.

colourlessgreenidea · 03/07/2019 09:46

I am sorry to hear your update but that is one huge drip feed

It’s a veritable tsunami!

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