To not want to know if DS walks?

[FairfaxAikman]

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

You're taking the joy out of milestones. You should be supportive and excited when a milestone is hit not sad that you didn't witness it. My DS took his first proper unaided walk across the room when I was at the supermarket...not when I was at work. Who knows when these things happen, just enjoy when they do. For the record a step doesn't count as "walking".

YABU and really weird with it.

YABU. If my DH has asked me not to tell him about 'firsts' I would think he was weirdly selfish and prioritising his own feelings over, well, reality... I also , like a PP said, would find it weird if DH then got excited about seeing 'first steps' and I had to say "oh yeah he's been doing that all week" What a strange situation to have to lie about your own child. I'd rather share the excitement and ring him to tell him rather than be excited about a new development and have to hide it or lie about it. Sorry OP you're being very U.

Yep, this is weird. Very U.

I'll be gentle because Lord knows I've had my fair share of DC related batshit moments, especially in the beginning...You are being supremely unreasonable. Your son's first steps are not about you. Or your PIL. Or your husband. It's about YOUR SON achieving something. It's a big milestone FOR HIM and all the people who love him should be able to share that with him and be excited. You don't own his "firsts"; HE does. Don't you want to know when your son achieves this? Do you really want people to hold that information back so that you can make it all about yourself? Make it about you seeing his first steps as opposed to him actually taking them? You're also affecting your husband here by insisting that he enable this odd behaviour and curb his excitement about an important milestone for his child. I'm positive that if you really reflect on this you will see what people are saying.

I understand how you feel, my ds took his first steps in front of his dad. But that was the only first he saw so I will let it go.
Op from what you described it wasn't actually his first steps just a little step so it actually doesn't count. Let dad have this as he must be excited, but we know in a few days you will see his first steps and that is what counts (and will be written in his baby book I'm sure).

So in years to come and you are talking about DS's first steps and when he took them etc, your poor DH has to pretend that what he saw doesn't count and that your experience is the one that should be recounted? . But it will be a lie. Is it going to be the same for all firsts? Word? Loss of tooth?

Besides, maybe you WILL see him walk for the "first" time, but you'll be wondering if it was! I can assure you, you will actually wonder if it is indeed the "first" time or if DH or PIL's have already witnessed it but not told you.

How bizarre!

You are not missing out. At some point you will see him for the first time walking. It doesn't matter if it's the first time he has actually taken any steps, it will be the first time you have seen it.

Just enjoy your child, don't get caught up in being there for every single 'first'. Otherwise you end up sounding batshit crazy

Have you always been this controlling, OP? I can understand being sad to miss out on the firsts but the way you are attempting to control other people's reactions is off the scale!

Bonkers.

You haven’t answered a question that’s been repeatedly asked - do you not want him to tell you until you see it yourself, then he can say yes he took his first steps earlier at the park or whatever; or are you not wanting him to tell you and then pretend that the first time you see it is the first time?

You sound utterly ridiculous OP

I don't think yabu but I don't think they are doing it out of spite. My dh works long hours and when my kids started walking/laughing/talking etc I said nothing until he saw it for himself rather than make him feel like he was missing out on milestones to provide for us. Though they are probably not doing it to be mean but just excited.

you will actually wonder if it is indeed the "first" time or if DH or PIL's have already witnessed it but not told you.

When I worked in a nursery we had a lot of first step. It was an unwritten rule that we would say oh your baby so close today, until the parents had actually witnessed it at home.

While it may be upsetting to not be there, wanting everyone to pretend its not happened just to please you is unreasonable, you're asking that they bury any joy/pride/excitement in your son's milestones for your sake.

Heaven forbid you should be in my current position, going through numerous tests with my child, where the accurate date of all these milestones is incredibly relevant. Asking your DH or PIL to video him is much more reasonable.

You aren’t being unreasonable. You’re being ridiculous.

I am really worried my twins will say their first word at nursery when I’m not there - but that’s because they’re almost 3 and non-verbal, so it would be an absolutely massive thing. I want to be there for it, but I would absolutely want them to tell me if it happens!

YABU! My DD1 took her first steps at nursery (where I worked) her keyworker brought her down to the room I was in and said DD has something to show you and put her down on the floor so she could take a couple of wobbly steps towards me. Now we'd been expecting it, she'd obviously already done it in her room at nursery but would I rather have her carers lie to me and pretend it hadn't happened of course not. Trust and truth are so important. Your DH & PIL must be thinking what else are we not to tell her? You trust these people to care for your child, obviously they are going to play with her, talk with her, interact with her. They are going to see her do so much and share the joy that nurturing a little one brings. You can't expect them to lie about things or be scared to encourage her to do new things - you'll be back on here in a few months saying "my pil are looking after DD while I work but they do nothing with her, leaving her bored, unstimulated, unchallenged, it's hindering her development, Aibu?"

@Breastfeedingworries that is not walking or even cruising, DS has been doing it for a good few months and pulling himself from seated to standing holding our hands and has just turned 7 months. It's not a first, nothing to tell. It's like holding them above your head and saying they can fly.
OP YABU and ridiculous

You're being bonkers. Sorry.

Get a grip. His first steps are his first steps and you covering your ears and shouting lalalalalalala like a child aren't going to change that.

You can't police other people like that especially not your DH!!

Christ, this takes PFB to a whole new level.

Erm, what if you also happen to miss his second steps, and his third? Is everyone expected to keep lying to you indefinitely?

Very unreasonable

I actually don't think YABU. I was so upset about the possibility of my awful ex seeing my dd's first steps when she was with him. I really didn't want her to go to him but I had to suck it up. I asked him not to tell me. He lied and told me she had walked with him anyway (she didn't walk until a long time after his claim and he is a compulsive liar). I was so upset. I don't think anyone can really understand this FOMO of your babies firsts unless they have been in the position of having to go back to work or share care of their child.

Perfectly reasonable to feel sad or disappointed to miss something you wanted to be present for.

Thoroughly unreasonable to propose this. You're basically forcing others to feel the difficult feelings you don't want and denying them positive, exciting experiences. Why don't you want to share in their joy? Why don't you want to permit anybody but you to feel things that are so valuable to you? Don't you think they might feel the same?

Your child has a whole lifetime of firsts, achievements and other exciting moments ahead. You won't be there for every last one of them, but you should still be able to feel excitement or joy and share in them by virtue of your relationship with him and presence in his life.

What about if your husband is there to see him win his first sports day race - will you impose this ban then too because you're disappointed you missed it? Or will you share in the moment as a family, take pleasure from seeing your son bursting with pride as he tells you, and take joy from seeing their excitement and happiness at bringing the story home to you as something wonderful they shared together and now want to share with you?

It's better you learn how to manage that now. You're focused on the wrong things and being very unfair.