To not want to know if DS walks?

[FairfaxAikman]

I've asked my PIL (who look after DS when I work) and DH not to tell me if DS takes his first steps in front of them so at least in my mind I'm not missing it.

Today I got a text from DH saying he'd taken one step and then fallen down.
I said that counted as telling me. And he snapped back "So it's just you are supposed to get all the firsts with him?"

As far as I'm concerned if DS walks, DH still "gets" the first (not like he's missed out on loads as he spotted first tooth etc) but I don't feel I'm missing out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

AIBU?

Sorry OP, I'm with your husband. He's supposed to keep a wonderful milestone secret from you so that when YOU see your DS take his first steps, it's the 'real thing'? Presumably he'd have to keep this quiet for the whole of his child's life and bite his tongue every time you talk about his 'first' steps?

You are not your son's only parent.

Also very ungrateful to someone looking after your child so you can work.

I can’t help but think this is a precious first child thing - I hope it’s a one off thing because if you’re like this with lots of stuff it would be exhausting

Hm this is the first time I've ever completely misjudged the outcome of an aibu. When dd took her first steps and dh wasn't there, I didn't tell him. I just acted like the first time he saw her do it was the first time she'd done it. He was so happy to have witnessed such a big milestone, I was glad I hadn't said anything. So I think yanbu.

If it helps my DC are 17 and 20 years old. DC1 I can vaguely remember him taking a step at my parents house for the first time. Possibly.
DC2 not a clue when his first steps were.

There are lots of milestones and firsts. Some you will see and some you won't, but in the long run it doesn't matter at all.

The underlying problem is the inability nowadays for most women (sorry, ladies, but its mainly women) because of financial issues, to be a SAHM, so you miss loads.

The government could make our tax code a lot easier on single earner families to be able to afford that if they want. 2 working parents on 30k each are far better off than 1 working parent on 60K.

I love this. In my head the husband will keep the charade of ‘never having witnessed the child walking’ up forever! And then what if it never walks in front of the OP? It could be like Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

Exactly what Bluewall said - it's not really a one off event, more of a gradual progression.

Fairfax, I'm wondering whether part of you is feeling bad about having to go back to work when he is still so young and you would prefer to be with your DS cherishing every moment, which isn't always possible from a practical perspective?

I think it would be quite natural in the very early days to be anxious about not being there to oversee every aspect of his development. I'm not sure getting DH to keep quiet is the answer because he just wants to communicate his pleasure about DS's achievement to the other most-invested person!

Maybe if you could see your DS's progress as a continuum rather than discrete events, which is a more realistic way of viewing his development anyway, things might be easier for you. Then talking and walking, or whatever, become processes rather than singular events that might be missed.

YABVU & stupidly precious to boot

I don't think anyone can really understand this FOMO of your babies firsts unless they have been in the position of having to go back to work or share care of their child.

Plenty of people on this thread are in those situations and understand that it disappointing to miss ‘firsts’

What people think is massively U in this situation is forcing the rest of the family to lie indefinitely, and to hide any excitement they might feel at witnessing a first.

In the nicest possible way OP, you are being a bit possessive over your DS and slightly bonkers. We all have to cope with disappointments in our lives, and not everything that might make you sad will be kept from you; that way "MIL is extremely sensitive" lies.

I appreciate you struggle with this, but please try to just be pleased he walked rather than fuming about how DH forgot that he's not meant to tell you stuff.

He’s just excited and wants to share that with you.

Yabu it sounds very controlling

YABU sorry OP - and it is all a bit strange. Maybe I have just compartmentalised this a little bit in my head, but my DD was at nursery from 9 months and my DS from 11 months, and they probably did everything first there. But it's still special when you see it! And you as the mother are not necessarily the paramount person in his life in all circumstances at all times, despite how you may feel when they are tiny.

As PP have said, walking is such a massively gradual thing, I'm not sure if you would even know if they took their first steps? They stand, then shuffle round the furniture, walk holding your hand etc. What even is their first steps?

You are placing far too much importance on this. Give it a few weeks and you will be working they hasn't started waking anyway - toddling babies are a bloody nightmare for touching everything

Don't sweat it. My youngest took her first steps when I was at work. DH sent me a video of her and her sister and it was adorable. I didn't feel like I had missed anything.

*wishing

Is this real you dont want your husband to share baby news because you will be upset and jealous?

That's plain weird.

Stop being daft you silly woman. First child by any chance?

You are not being unreasonable to feel sad that you might miss this and other firsts.

But you are being massively unreasonable in censoring what others are or are not allowed to say to you.
As much as you claim to not be being unreasonable because your DH still ‘gets’ the first would you be the same if the ‘real’ first happened on your watch? Or are you allowed to tell him?
Even though your DH still ‘gets’ the first you are diminishing his experience of it by not allowing him to talk about it and the suggestion here is that YOUR experience as a parent is more important than your DHs.

You are trying to micromanage your child’s life and in the kindest possible way you need to get over it ASAP, just be happy that he is growing and progressing and let these things go.

I see crazy people

People pretend all the time, I worked in nurseries and saw lots of first steps said nothing then celebrated a few days later with a very excited mum.

I'm guessing we're also going to have threads about PIL/DH taking him to see Santa for the first time when you weren't there, hair cuts, first shoe purchase etc.

It is disappointing in a way to miss ou to these things but your son shouldn't miss out because you are doing something else or working, especially as he has people around him who love him. Also, the first anything isn't this definitive line that isn't exciting. They wobble about for at least a few days, so you get to see the excitement and effort they will make to get good at walking, even if you missed the first steps. Santa excites them every single time (including the dodgy one collecting money outside the supermarket) so you probably have seven years and approximately 30 opportunities etc etc.

YABU and possessive and unfair to your Dc and your DH. Im' sorry.

You’re being a bit silly. Have you only just gone back to work?