To not give DD's friend a lift?

[PotteryLottery]

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

I'm sure we all get over-invested with our DCs lives, it's part of the deal . Is your DD in Yr 5? I do agree with a PP that many primary friendships start to pall around now and really you will spend from now until secondary school just marking time (and most children are more than ready to move onwards and upwards).

I think you need to start really evaluating whether any of her old 'friendships' are worth the effort now, and helping her to understand that soon she will have a whole range of potential friends and can pick the really decent ones! And it's not just her - I think most children get to this stage and can move from enforced or juvenile friendships to proper ones, as they approach their teens. I wish her lots of happy times going forwards!

I'm not sure it was fair to make OG share her snack; my Dsis used to offer me some of her ice cream on purpose to make me have to share mine, and it royally pissed me off. But that might just be my baggage

The rest of it sounds fine to me, and like your DD is realising that OG is not a very nice person. It's a good thing that you had the 3rd child in the car, he would have been a helpful social buffer.

Definitely distance yourselves, and be busy a LOT if asked over the summer! Also have an eye on what's in it for the other family of OM casually says "Oh, let's get the girls together...." - 10:1 she will want you to have them, or that a request for childcare/help will arrive PDQ afterwards.

I mean, I think you need to keep in mind that these are in fact CHILDREN. To describe another child as vulgar to your child is a bit

Kids fall out and make all the time, it's part of growing up. I appreciate you're looking out for your daughter but that's way OTT. From what you have said, I don't think OG was particularly out of order on the trip

I think you are way over-sharing your thoughts with your DD.

If they do go back to being friends, she's the girls you said was 'vulgar'.

I am trying to imagine my own DM being this involved in my friendships and fall-outs, and I can't in a million years.

I'm not saying you should be over-invested - you're her Mum, of course you're in invested. But parents getting over-involved helps no-one, and I'm absolutely certain doesn't make the DC feel more secure about thing. Quite the opposite, I think.

Unless you feel your child is being bullied, you really need to leave them to navigate their own fallouts at this age and listen, but don’t get involved. They don’t have the emotional maturity of an adult as some of the responses here seem to expect. At this age there are lots of arguments and power struggles in friendships. In a couple of years it gets better. You did the right thing in giving the girl a lift as you are an adult and has arranged it with her mum. I made the mistake of getting too involved with my DD’s fallouts, then the next week they were all best friends again and DD wouldn’t hear a word said against the girl. Just be there, but don’t get over invested. Also, we all think our child is the angel in the situation, but often it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other!

*falling outs

I have told DD that even though we honoured the lift, OG’s behaviour was completely unacceptable.
I agree with you although I would not have said “completely unacceptable” to my 11 yo dd and this was enough said.

I told DD that I feel other parents would have been more assertive and retracted the lift
This was unnecessary and will have confused your dd. All that taught your dd is that you are not assertive and she is therefore learning not to be assertive from you. This will make her more, not less likely to beg and grovel to this girl or another child in the future.

I have told Dd that I find the OG vulgar and DD should not copy her behaviours.
I find your statement vulgar. This is a primary school aged child you’re ripping to pieces. You are not doing your dd any favours especially if she tells the girl what you said.

I told DD that the way I feel at the movement, we won’t be spending any of our hard earned cash on OG.
You are way too invested. You’re not making your dds life easier.

I said upthread about how dd and other girls had the same issues with a girl in her class. The girl was treated with kindness and lack of judgment both by her childminder and me. It took maybe a year all in all but the girl has come out the other end now just fine. Of course I wanted to act like you but recognised it would be drawing battle lines and exacerbate the situation.

You are not teaching your dd anything good here. Much better to steer her toward people, who treat her well and discuss how she can choose who she plays with. And you can do this without judging those, who are unkind. They are children.

Your dd should be the one to choose whether or not to buy this girl a present. She needs to be allowed to make up her own mind, not be spoon fed and dictated to, which is what you’re doing so she’s getting this both from the girl and you. The only time I would intervene is if it is an offer of appeasement.

Also, btw I think not offering your water to a thirsty 10 year old is worse behaviour than anything I've heard from the kids. You sound a bit much tbh.

It’s such a tricky balance being supportive and alive to bullying and getting over involved. Dh went in about another child’s unkindness only to have the girls best friends again. I think abit of briskness goes along way. Think you might be tipping over into too involved op

I think the reason you've become a Hot Trending topic (or whatever the terminology!) is that this kind of friendship issue, and how much dparents should get involved, is one of those perennial questions dparents have to contend with. It can get quite emotionally 'charged' for the dparent because many of us go into instinctive 'defend my cub' mode.

There have been a few comments on this thread to the effect of 'unless there's bullying don't get involved'. But even if this from the other dc "I'll decide in a week if I still want to be friends with you" is not bullying, it does cross the line where I would want to, at the very least, advise a 10 yr old on how to respond, and whether this is what she wants from a friend. At school I think you do want to smooth things over on a superficial level if you can, if only because they have to go on seeing each other for another year! But i would be very much in the camp of trying to help dd to find new friends - either in or out of school.

I’d still take her and use the journey s an opportunity to speak to your daughters friend about the falling out and find out what’s going on. The other girl will squirm, I know cos I’ve done exactly that to my daughters friend but it gets it out in the open and talked about which will ultimately be a good thing

I can't believe what I had just read in your update.

You deprived a child of water
You called her vulgar to your dd
You made her feel desperately uncomfortable sitting next to the boy (could he not have sat in the front?)
You have been sharing this situation with everyone that will listen to you.

Are you for real?

She is ten years old and you can her vulgar.

I am beginning to think there is much much more to the story of the other child needing more space than we have heard, if this is how you are raising your own child.

I am speechless.

I would be utterly furious if I was Lovely Mum. She trusted you to take her dd and look after her, you failed on every level, and took the moment to punish her dd for what you see as a misdemeanour. It is parents like that I go great lengths to avoid. Passive aggressive doesn't even cover it.

I think once you made the decision you were going to go ahead and give the child a lift you were her chaperone for the journey, not offering a child water just makes you very petty/bitter. You should be above that level of behaviour op.

Well done Op for handling the situation and honouring the arrangement but I would be slowly distancing myself from OG and her LM.

So the OG wants to dictate where your DD sits in HER car?

OG wanted space-she got space as her request to be paired with DD has been turned down.

Not willing to share but accepting the offering.

Hope poor diddums didn’t get dehydrated during 25 mins journey.

I wouldn’t be spending any money on her either.

OP, you have taught both girls a lesson:

Your DD how to behave with dignity

OG that you can’t treat people like crap and expect them to run after you.

Sometimes the adults have to step in when managing the situation is getting a bit tricky.

Givers have to have strong boundaries because takers don’t have any.

I agree about the water tbh-how petty of you.

What was the snack?

If it was a packed lunch type thing then I don't see why she should offer some just because your daughter did & I think that your daughter was rude to ask.

If it was a bag of sweets, maybe rude not to offer them around.

This is awful, you aren't teaching boundaries you are just adding more pressure for DD to take "your" side. You are teaching her to be two faced, to bitch about people behind their backs and do petty things like refuse water to someone you forced to share. You are the adult, you are being more petty and ridiculous than the ten year olds.

I think you would do you Dd a much bigger favour to play these dramas down. If she can be big enough to get past it, you should be too.

Also, you weren't there - you only have DDs side of how it kicked off. Your "OG did it first, so DD can do it," might have been seen by OG as your DD mimicking and mocking something she did. They are just learning and overthinking perceived slights is not a great thing to be teaching them.

Well I like the idea of letting your DD travel in the front if possible, making it clear to the friend that you're giving her plenty of space. Chat about all the fun things you have planned.
Just one thought though-is there any possibility your DD could be a bit overpowering. If so, it might be an idea to have them talk about the friendship, perhaps friends mum could be involved too.

I agree that you are way too over-invested and not doing your dd any favours.

As pp have said, you're the adult. You decided to go ahead with the lift, and that's all you needed to do with a bright and breezy approach.

Getting involved in the minutiae of who said what to when, who did or didn't share their snack, involving the activity teacher in the details of the lift then the comments that you made to your dd afterwards was completely unnecessary and made a mountain out of a molehill.

From what you've said, your own low self-esteem is the key driver in the significance you're giving to the behaviour and relationships of 10 year olds. Working on this will improve your skills in helping your dd to negotiate these tricky situations.

Op you really should have driven the child and been kind to her, and not passive aggressive with the water/snacks etc.

Or you should have refused the lift, stating the reasons and left it at that.

You have done the worst of all worlds, and taught your child how to do things with resentment and bitterness, all the while teaching her to be unkind and spiteful behind her friend's back by calling her vulgar etc. [slow clap]

So now when lovely Mum calls you saying you dd is calling her child vulgar, and your dd is being very spiteful, we will ALL know where that came from!

No wonder the kid needs space! I need space and I am not even there.

It is a perfect demonstration how not to raise ten year old girls. This really is a case of the mothers being worse than the children! Poor kids.

OP, you have taught both girls a lesson:

Your DD how to behave with dignity

@FrenchBoule are you reading the same thread as everyone else??

frenchboule I'm not sure teaching dignity includes not giving a ten year old a drink after they've been on a trip and are probably quite thirsty. I think an adult doing this is the opposite of dignified.

We know one side of a story here and the kids are 10. By all means tell a child to stand up for themselves and give them the confidence to do that, but calling a child vulgar, trying to dictate the friendship by things like not letting DD get a present, putting an adult take on friendship issues and vilifying a 10 year old etc are just not a normal mature response by an adult to this situation. OP is going overboard here. Her daughter needs the space to navigate her own friendship issues, it's part of growing up and these issues are very common at this age.

Some kids are bossy, some kids are always storming off in a huff, some kids are a bit overbearing. It's not abnormal. They are ten and lack the emotional intelligence and communication skills of teens and adults. They are developing their personalities and starting to break free of the close parental bonds and finding new intense bonds with friends. OP should be the grown up here, not come out all guns blazing mamma bear style. It will do her daughter no favours and when the kids make up age all is back to normal, then the DD has the pressure of thinking her mum hates on of her friends. The OP couldn't have dealt with the situation worse if she'd tried.

No wonder the kid needs space! I need space and I am not even there.

• unfortunately so true dontcallmeprecious!

Seems like the majority of messages support the DD sitting in front and the other girl in the back, DD has to accept that this was agreed before her problem, and therefore should go ahead. This could lead to a good time to open up the conversation with "Whats going on with you two, anyway ? Can I help in any way ?" DD probably need encouragement to discuss it and will need understanding. These things hppen with kids, especially girls, so Its a good opening to understanding our feelings chat.

You sound waaaaay over invested in this after that latest update. Analysing drinks, telling teachers not to pair them, noting teachers telling other child off, calling her vulgar, telling her to share etc. You seem to forget that this other girl is the same age as yours, and they're both still learning. At some point your daughter may be 'OG'.

And everything Dontcallmeprecious said. I'm really surprised/shocked by your update tbh.