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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
Zombiedropoutmum · 04/07/2019 17:58

I'm currently going through a similar situation with my 10 year DD. The OG treats my DD like rubbish and is always 'needing space'. The OG is now banned from joining us for our of school activities and is banned from our house. the OG mother sees friendships as disposal and the OG has followed her example. I will not have my DD treated like this and have encouraged her to make other friends. Personally if I was you, I'd be telling LM to jog on and take her toxic DD with her.
Being treated poorly like this stays with children and really messes with their confidence.

TigerTooth · 04/07/2019 18:12

Another tell the mum here - but don’t say they’ve fallen out - explain that her daughter wants space.
Let her walk
I hope it rainsGrin

Mrsthomas29 · 04/07/2019 18:18

Personally if I was the other mother I would want to know, so that I could explain to my child that that she won’t be going to the activity this week because she’s not been very kind to her friend. Some may not agree but that’s what I would do

daisyboocantoo · 04/07/2019 18:28

Hope that your DD is feeling a bit better. I would do exactly what you have done, and tell your DD that whilst it is kind to honour commitments, she should
probably distance herself from anyone who doesn't value her friendship.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 04/07/2019 18:32

OP girls can be so cruel. It sounds like the other girl thinks she’s too ‘cool for school’ and ahead of secondary school and the ‘popularity contest farce’ many get into she is trying to distance herself from your DD now.
In my experience her lovely mum is possibly oblivious to her DD feelings and is happy for her DD to go to the activity which you are facilitating but sounds like her DD isn’t bothered either way.
But in my experience however annoyed you maybe at the other girl please, please please don’t text the mum again (however nicely you do it) to drop the girl in it as it could make things a lot worse. Trust me.
Instead it’s fine not to give the girl a lift use whatever excuse you want and however last minute. Instead bolster your DD’s confidence, encourage other friendships inside and out of school, have fun together and keep talking. And if the girls are going to secondary school together please please do all you can to ensure they are in seperate classes. I didn’t do this but by this time of year my lovely DD who was unaware and uninterested in the popularity shenanigans had been well and truly left behind and socially outcast.

She had a difficult time at secondary but in year 10 things have settled down and she has a small group of quiet girls who aren’t interested in make up or throwing themselves at boys etc.
Her primary school friend now still doesn’t speak to her and looks down her nose at her and me.

telvg · 04/07/2019 18:33

Remember there might be more to it as well. Girls fall out all the time so your daughter may or may not have said something herself that instigated it. Personally, if I had organized this with another parent, I wouldn’t let her down because she might not be able to get her daughter there. My daughter and her best friend have these sort of fall outs every so often, and when I speak to the other mum, it usually turns out my daughter has also said something.

Sb74 · 04/07/2019 18:35

My daughter is 12 and is always changing views on friendships. You can’t let this immaturity stop you from keeping your word with another adult. Take the girl. Your daughter in front seat. Let it work itself out. Explain to your dd that kids can be cruel and insensitive because they are still learning about life. I am always talking my kids through these situations.

dinnerpartyhell · 04/07/2019 18:56

One word of caution, you only know for sure one half of the story op. I say this with experience. Keep an open mind. Be very on this, knowing what is happening every day and how your dd is feeling.

Girl friendships at this age are hellish. Be kind and comforting to dd. Let her be strong and find her own solutions. Talk through options, and talk through the consequences. If we do X then Y is likely to happen. So your dd learns to problem solve.

Don't assume that any child is mean until you can be sure of the whole story.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2019 19:24

I think it’s ok you’re taking the girl as it’s not good to get involved in friendships by refusing to give a lift unless there’s actual bullying. This is exclusion and this girl just isn’t getting how things should work right now. Maybe you can kill her with kindness, talk about how we all act I’m my car etc.

My dd is 11 and going to secondary next year. Dd has a friend like this and has been through this sort of thing over the past year or so. I don’t think the girls parents are aware and they would handle it badly imo even if they did. They’re very busy with all their children, working etc.

The childminder and I have both spoken to her when she targeted dd (and the cm when she targeted dd / other children). In a kind way. Something along the lines of : It’s ok to be fed up with your friends sometimes or need a bit of space (or insert similar). It isn’t kind to say to someone else you won’t talk to them until x date. I know you’re a kind girl so I’m just letting you know. etc.

You cannot assume just because this mum is lovely that she talks to her dd in this way. Maybe she doesn’t have the skills. Going in heavy handed to protect your dd isn’t going to help anyone or teach either child anything. Everyone needs things modelled to them and if they don’t, I figure it will escalate in secondary.

Get your dd doing other stuff, which doesn’t include this friendship group, maybe with some different friends, finding friends outside school etc so she has options.

browneyes77 · 04/07/2019 19:38

Another vote here for letting the OG sit in the front on her own and letting your DD and MF sit in the back together.

I wouldn’t want to take the little madam at all to be honest, but if you’re going to take her then don’t let your child be the one singled out at the front in her own car, because it’s likely to continue when they get out of the car.

Nearly47 · 04/07/2019 20:00

Don't tell the other mum. Do as others said and put your daughter on the front seat with you and the " friend" at the back of your daughter would prefer this way Its a teachable moment. You made a commitment to do a favour to someone. So you keep it and don't get involved in 10 years old argument. You can only make it worse

Passenger42 · 04/07/2019 20:42

If you have arranged to give a lift to the friend then you should do it and see how the girls behave in the car. If they are not friendly then speak to parent at point of drop off. Don’t stop your arrangement because of an argument. Or if you want to stop the lift at least give a week notice.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/07/2019 21:02

After today I would not be available to give 'lifts' to this girl.

As it sounds like from your post that both the mum and DD seem to use you when it suits them, and not necessarily because your DD and her DD are friends but because it suits there needs and wants.

billy1966 · 04/07/2019 21:07

@Zombiedropoutmum.

Well done for having your daughter's back.

Children have very long memories for this kind of stuff. Surprisingly so!

HiJenny35 · 04/07/2019 21:07

They are 10, take her, they will probably make up before then or make up on the journey. It's going to be very difficult if you make a big deal of this and then they make up.

Juells · 04/07/2019 21:19

They are 10, take her, they will probably make up before then or make up on the journey.

I wouldn't want my daughter to make up with her, I'd want her to have more self-respect than to be hanging around for crumbs to be offered.

diddl · 04/07/2019 21:33

", I'd want her to have more self-respect than to be hanging around for crumbs to be offered."

Absolutely!

MyOtherProfile · 04/07/2019 21:42

she is happy to sit in the front for the first time ever, with OG in the back with another mutual friend who is also coming.

I would sit OG in the front with me and let DD and the mutual friend sit in the back and be sociable together.

BlondeBumshelll · 04/07/2019 21:49

Yes I would also put OG in the front and let your DD socialise in the back.

Kids fight all the time and I really have had to bite my tongue a lot over the years otherwise I'd have dropkicked too many kids but sometimes you do need to step in when things get too much.

Ilfie · 04/07/2019 22:08

You’re bigger than this! Just do the lift - it will speak realms about you as a mum

happymum12345 · 04/07/2019 22:37

Absolutely not. How utterly rude of this girl to speak to your dd this way. Explain this to her mum, gently.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/07/2019 22:47

it will speak realms about you as a mum

Why does Op need to have this women's approval on her parenting?

Original poster
PotteryLottery · 04/07/2019 22:51

Oh gosh, this made the Hot Threads email. What a dubious honour for my DD.

So, lift day arrived. Got a message from LM saying that finally, today our girls went into class together chatting happily. My DD has wanted that all week.

I emailed activity teacher to say please can DD not be paired with OG because I was concerned about a further similar false allegation due to the nature of the activity. Teacher agreed and wished me luck with the journey.

DD wanted to sit in the front because she has never ever done so, and the 3rd friend is a lovely boy who wanted to kiss her in Y4, and they are pals but now embarrassed by the whole kissing thang, so my DD didn't want to be physically close.

OG told DD not to sit in the front but I said DD could and she did. DD offered OG some of her snack, and then when DD asked for some of OG's snack, OG said No. I told OG she had to reciprocate the snack, and she did. There was then lots of nice chatting between all three children.

OG asked the activity teacher to be paired with DD but teacher said No as agreed, and reprimanded OG for low level backchat/defiance at least twice during the activity.

On the c.25 min drive home, OG moaned about forgetting her water. Neither DD, the boy, nor I offered our water.

When I dropped off OG, LM asked how they were and I just said fine. I was distant with LM and I feel bad about that, which some of you will find weird. I take on board the comments about self-esteem.

I have told DD that even though we honoured the lift, OG's behaviour was still completely unacceptable. I told DD that I feel other parents would have been more assertive and retracted the lift.

I have told DD that I find OG vulgar and DD should not copy her behaviours.

DD felt the journey went ok and was very happy to sit in the front seat - she's 10, and that was a big deal to her. DD randomly said she only wants to get OG a small present on holiday. I told DD that the way I feel at the moment, we won't be spending any of our hard earned cash on OG.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 04/07/2019 23:05

This girl just doesnt sound nice-i hope your dd figures it out and realises what a true friend is

Also as much as you like lm id keep a distance from them all

Ambydex · 04/07/2019 23:16

Glad you got through it ok but this does feel quite over-invested, picking over details of who offered to split their snack 3 ways (who even does that?) and who didn't, who offered water to whom etc.

This kind of minutiae may be part of a 10 year old's world, but as the adult here I think you can support your DD better if you resist getting so drawn in. But then, I'm here reading it on MN, plank in my own eye etc.