Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD's friend a lift?

337 replies

PotteryLottery · 02/07/2019 21:25

DD's best friend (age 10) has said she wants space from DD and will decide in a week if she will be her friend again.

A while ago, her lovely mother asked me to give her DD a lift to a one-off activity, and I agreed as I will be taking my DD anyway. This falls within the week of "space".

AIBU to say I can no longer take the girl as she wants space?

I.e. Should my DD just have to put up with this one-off journey I agreed to before their falling out or should she not have to endure a journey with someone who won't play with her this week?

OP posts:
noeyedeer · 03/07/2019 22:31

Just one thought, would DD be better in the back with MF, and OG isolated in the front with you? Something to consider, as it gives no chance for DD to feel left out.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 03/07/2019 22:32

Did the other girl apologise for her part in this, or did she merely deign to accept your daughter's apology in time for the free taxi service? Are you thinking that the other girl just wants to go to the activity and is putting up with your daughter until after you've driven them?

buckeejit · 03/07/2019 22:35

Haven't read all the comments but I do find myself agreeing with both sides so it's tricky.

I think the best thing overall though is to stick with DD & not give the lift, allowing the space requested but be cheery when you see flaky friend & as pp says, expand her circle. Even though DD is eager for her verdict, is there a way she can take the higher ground when the verdict is delivered? I don't mean saying dd needs space now or similar, but to voice her feelings honestly & express herself in a fair and neutral way.

Tough situation, good luck OP

Original poster
PotteryLottery · 03/07/2019 22:41

I can suggest to DD that OG sits in the front, I'm happy to do whatever makes DD happy.

OG hasn't apologised. I think she is just sort of making up because LM told her to.

I don't think that OG is that fussed by the activity. She would like to go but not going wouldn't be the end of the world.

It will be hard making the call to LM but I will do it if DD doesn't want to be in the same car.

OP posts:
TantricTwist · 03/07/2019 22:49

You should ensure that OG sits in the front and that your DD sits with the other friend.

Turn the music up so OG in the front can't hear the girls chatter in the back.
Be sure to invite lots of other school friends from now on back to yours for DD to hang out with so DD can decide who she trusts and wants to be friends with.

SandyY2K · 04/07/2019 00:27

It really doesn't matter who if any child was in the wrong.

One child wants space and I wouldn't want my child feeling uncomfortable in her own family car, while the other child decides whether to be her friend again.

I also don't want a child to be my child's friend purely to get lifts from me.

So it's best that she gets the space she's requested and I help my DD work on her self confidence and not be left hanging.

I support my DC in these kind of things and quite frankly, if my child said what the other girl said, I would 100% understand if the other mum didn't want to give my DD a lift.

I would take the time to ascertain why my DD wanted space and even if I felt it was a valid reason, I'd explain why she didn't go about it in the right way. I also wouldn't want my child to have to be in the car, if she wanted space from the other girl.

If I couldn't get my DD there, then she would have to miss out on the activity.

diddl · 04/07/2019 08:20

You obviously don't have to say what the activity is, but is it at all possible that your daughter will be left out of things by the other 2?

She obviously finds it hard to stand up to the one & might the other one be led into ignoring your daughter?

It could be that the other girl really doesn't want to be friends & is being told to by her mum.

I don't think that either girl is really being listened to.

SushiForAmateurs · 04/07/2019 08:24

I definitely wouldn't put the two other girls in the back together.

Put Miss 'I need space' in the front, and DD and mutual friend in the back together.

MsTSwift · 04/07/2019 08:27

Urgh sympathy op having exactly the same. Our policy to encourage other friendships hang on in there your dd will find much better friends at secondary. Oh and read cats eye by Margaret Atwood to remind yourself how pre teen girl bullying works

IrmaFayLear · 04/07/2019 09:28

Heartily agree - you don't want two whispering and giggling in the back and your dd left out.

Who would be ten, eh? Mind you, I have seen similar behaviour with school-gate mums so I guess leopards can't change their spots. In fact I know of friendship issues/leaving out etc among women at a posh retirement village so it never ends!

billy1966 · 04/07/2019 10:00

OP, begging for forgiveness is an awful state of affairs for a young child.

I wish you could see that.

Kindly, have a look at your own self-esteem.

Honestly, you have a long road ahead of you with your DD if she thinks she is not worthy of her Mum's priority.

That child is not your DD's friend.

Accommodating her in your car should be the least of your concerns.

yiskasha · 04/07/2019 10:10

Just read the full thread.

No way would I allow this. I don't mean to be harsh, but you're teaching your child that it's okay for others to treat her badly, because even her Mum won't stick up for her. It says a lot about your self esteem too.

I'd just call the Mum of the other child and say you're teaching your daughter a valuable lesson about her worth.

Your daughter can travel with her other friend and know that she's got the support of her parents.

The other little girl isn't your daughters friend, so don't push the friendship.

onedayiwillmissthis · 04/07/2019 10:11

Gosh OP...not sure it's a good idea to have your daughter in front of car if it leaves OG in back with another girl. Better for your daughter to be in back (less chance of her being left out). Keep 'space' requiring OG up front with you where she is not going to be able to get away with any mean comments etc. The old saying "twos company threes a crowd" can ring true under the best of circumstances...and here? I wouldn't want to risk it.

WeLoveToBoogieOnASaturdayNight · 04/07/2019 10:22

Another vote for definitely putting OG in front, and DD & MF in back.
Otherwise OG and MF will giggle together, isolating DD.
Don't let your DD be the outsider in her own car.

greenlynx · 04/07/2019 11:31

Don’t put DD in front, put her on the back with MF.

Weezol · 04/07/2019 11:32

After your update I feel even more strongly that the lift should not be given. You're now trying to juggle seating to make this okay. Please stop. This isn't okay.

billy1966 and yiskasha have both made very good points.

greenlynx · 04/07/2019 12:39

From your update it’s clear that it’s happened at school. So LM should know all circumstances ( as you are) about her daughter’s behavior? She should know that her DD’s the first who started behaving this way.
I thought it’s nothing and you should give a lift at the very beginning but now I’m not sure.

TheCatThatDanced · 04/07/2019 12:42

Wow - I don't recall being that aware at 10 to want space. Neither of my DC both under 10 but over 5 would be aware of wanting 'space' either.

Precocious little brat. Just say to the mum you won't be taking her this time.

wellbuggerme · 04/07/2019 12:54

on that update Id not have OG in the car at all. Shes only been made to make up with DD because lovely mum needs the taxi service! If you didn`t offer that I bet OG would never speak to DD again would she????

OP OG and lovely mum are using you and thats wrong.

dinnerpartyhell · 04/07/2019 15:57

Having said from the outset that you should absolutely continue with the lift, as we shouldn’t sink to a child’s level, after your latest update, I have changed my mind.

You are being played by the other mother who should clearly have mace other arrangements for her child, and who isn’t being straight with you, by the OG who clearly has no intention of apologising! Between them they appear very insincere and manipulative. That said it all happened at school, so who really knows.

I now would not be driving that child anywhere. The girl needs to learn not to behave like this. Eleventh hour cancellation is perfectly fine.

Juells · 04/07/2019 16:12

billy1966
OP, begging for forgiveness is an awful state of affairs for a young child.

^^ this

FFS let your poor child see that she's entitled to stand up for herself. You need to stand up for her as well, and let the 'lovely' mother sort out lifts elsewhere. You're allowing your daughter to believe that she's the bottom of the heap, and needs to appease other people in order to have friends. Is she not worth more than that?

TheCatThatDanced · 04/07/2019 16:30

OP - on the back of the posters since I posted - please please stick up for your little girl. I was bullied (not really as a child, teased then, bullied more as a teenager) and if I had been 10 or older and my parent had taken the side of the bully (which this child is) then I'd have been upset and felt betrayed.

The 'lovely mother' as others have said is being nice to you so her DD continues getting lifts. Take away the lifts and let's see how lovely she is to you then.

chocatoo · 04/07/2019 17:46

Yep, mean girl in front and definitely take her as it gives you the chance to surreptitiously let mean girl see that you have got your DDs back. Police their activity and conversation carefully and purposefully all day to ensure your DD is totally supported by you.

EllenMP · 04/07/2019 17:49

I would lay it out for the other mum, but ask her to respect your daughter's confidence and not mention the conversation to hers. If she is lovely I'm sure she will want to know what her daughter is doing and help her see that it's hurtful.

Boysey45 · 04/07/2019 17:57

I wouldn't take her and I would encourage strongly for my daughter not to be waiting round for this girl to decide if she wants to be friends again. Who does she think she is? Your daughter needs to make new friends and give this charmer the heave ho now.